[Solved] When it's time to see DAD
I'm going to try and make this short and to the point. My DD who is 4 years old, has recently been acting up when it's my turn to have her. It starts when i go to pick her up, she gets upset and says she doesn't want to go. Screaming and crying etc. When we get to my house she seems fine but then eventually she'll start bursting out crying that she misses Mummy and wants me to take her home. Obviously I don't want to see her upset, but I also don't want to lose my time being with her. If I ask her "Why don't you want to stay with daddy?" She replies with "Because I love mummy and only mummy, and not you" now at first this really got to me and overtime I have gotten use to it. But every now and then it creeps back up on me, and it makes me feel awful.
Now I've spoken to her mum about this, and she says "If she continues to act this way, then it might be best if you cut time with her". Now, to me that's not an option. Why would reducing my time with her make it better? Or am I missing something here? She also seems to think that (even at 4 years old) if she doesn't want to go, then she shouldn't. I understand that at that age, her emotions and feelings towards things are all over the place. I've never done anything to make her feel unsafe or scared. I'm just wondering if anyone else has had this problem. Would really appreciate some advice.
My daughter was similar when younger she'd want mummy, I brought my daughter up from being a baby and it was hard to see her want mummy so much and kind of reject me at times,
I just tried to keep her occupied, I'd go my my sisters house were she'd get pampered and had her cousins to play with, I'd take afew kids to play centres with her. Bowling, make cakes, Go for pizza and ice cream.
If she started I'd say ice cream time and just let her cry get to the ice cream place and she forgot about mummy.
Basically diverting and bribing, not sure if it's the "correct" way but it worked and my daughter who is now ten is daddy's girl and doesn't see her mother at all.
I've got two younger daughters 3 and 6 with my wife, they used to cry for mum if mum went out, the three year old was really bad she'd screams get hysterical but Id calm her down by going out going shop for treats, go to family, ice cream or pizza, go shopping to buy cake ingredients and buy loads of sweets too, they soon got over it, now its I wanna stay with daddy hahaha. Ps : I don't let my kids eat too much junk tho, they've had access to too much junk it doesn't interest them now.
I remember when I was a kid it felt awful when my mum went out the house felt empty at first , but dad would get me to help him cook or make me watch him fix something, i became inseparable from dad as I grew up. I was close to both my parents but there was something about dad that felt better as I grew up . Children need dad's.
Just thought this just now while thinking about myself growing up , I'm sure I'd have been ok without mum but I can't imagine being ok if I didn't have dad m
Dad's need to fight these women who stop them seeing their kids. I despise those type of women
Thanks for the reply. Did it ever worry you that someone could be making her say or behave that way? Call me paranoid, but for a 4 year old to say things like "I don't love you, i only love mummy". Makes me wonder why she would say these things. Also when I say to her "Daddy loves you". She would reply with "No you dont". Don't get me wrong she doesn't say this all the time. But it's more often than usual. And it does worry me that as time goes by she'll just reject me completely. Again, call me paranoid. Lol
My two children Iv got with my current wife at times say they don't love me they only love muumy. And I don't love them mummy does.
It could be your ex saying things to your daughter but it could just be your daughter being a kid saying it without understanding how a adult would feel but either way I wouldn't take much notice of it. Just concentrate on making happy memories and giving her something to look forward too.
Aslong as you show your kids true love and build a real bond so you stick in your child's mind nothing can break it.
These bad mums can stop contact and the child can't stand up to mum and even look like they are against you and rejecting you they usually aren't inside, it's usually a front to please mum.
Iv had times with my daughter when younger and it was upsetting but I'd think.. No it's not my baby there's something behind her behaviour. And as she got older she would confide in me and clearly knew who was the genuine parent. Now she's with me and hasn't seen her evil mum since April.
Just build a bond itl all be ok one day
Another thing, don't let your child see or feel any negativeness towards the mum from you. Do the opposite, while out shopping say do you want to buy something for mummy and let her choose something for mum.
Child sees dad is nice. Child gives present from child to mum mum either says awww thank you to child or acts negatively cos mum thinks it's really to do with dad and child sees mums negative behaviour.
Win win for dad cos child sees dad as good one.
It's normal for children to make a fuss at handovers but I would suggest you have a chat with mum to see how you can best support your time with your daughter.
Unfortunately, if mum is not encouraging the contact, this can cause issues. Children of that age should not have to bear the weight of choosing who they see and when. If a child doesn't want to go to school or brush their teeth for example, you don't just say 'okay stay at home / don't brush your teeth' you support them to do it. The same should go for contact.
If things continue, perhaps try to consider mediation.
Hi guys once again thanks for the feedback. I just want to give you all a bit of an update. The last couple of weekends my DD has been staying over, she hasn't been sleeping well. She insists on having her main bedroom light on all night because she gets scared at night. She has fairy lights on her bed and 2 other night lights but doesn't like having them on. Every time I tell her the main light stays off at night she goes into hysterics and cries. So one night I let her sleep with the main light on and she didn't sleep a wink. She would just sit up in bed and cry. I would try and climb into bed with her to calm her down but nothing seems to work. So the other day I took the bulb out of her main light and bought her a dimming lamp. This seemed to work (slightly). She was in bed by 7:30pm, watched a film, but she still stayed awake until about 10:30pm she eventually fell asleep. She tells me that she doesn't like having sleepovers at daddy's anymore and only wants to sleep at her mum's. After talking with her mum about this, she suggests that rather than DD staying overnight, she only stays with me for the day and then I drop her back off in the evening and then I pick her up again the next day. It's not ideal. But if it's the only thing that's gonna make her happy and get a good night's sleep then so be it I guess. I hope that this is only a phase. I love having my daughter overnight. But lately she's been struggling. According to her mum she gets none of this at home. her lights are off apart from her nightlights and the bathroom light is left on so she can see at night.
I'm guessing that she doesn't want to sleep over because that's becoming an area of conflict. If she sleeps with the light on, does she actually get to sleep at a reasonable time? If so, is there actually any harm in leaving the light on for the time being? Once it's settled down again, then you can start using the dimming bulb and agreeing with your daughter how much it can be turned down - give her the control over this rather than imposing it yourself, and then hopefully, she'll start to feel relaxed about sleeping over. I'd certainly try this rather than just giving up your time with your daughter.
There's no conflict at all. It's literally only been the last couple of weeks this has been happening. I've let her sleep with the light on, but it keeps her awake all night. Of course I don't want to lose time with her. But I'm trying to do what keeps her most happy. I've tried to talk to her about staying with daddy again and she just says "I don't want to stay with you, I want to stay with mummy forever and ever". I've also tried to explain how just because you're not with mummy doesn't mean you'll never see her again.
Can't you try to not have a bed time and let her sleep when she's tired?
My children never had a bed time. And they are doing well, 19 year old daughter is at uni doing dentistry.
Unlike what some people say will happen if kids aren't in bed by 7:30... Cos mummy wants "me time"
Sometimes I'll just let her fall asleep on the sofa when we're watching a film. Eventually I'll carry her up to her room. Which ends up with her waking up and getting upset. Dropped her off at home today and she threw herself into her mum's arms and wouldn't let go. Listening to them both exchange their love for each other and how much they missed each other hit me pretty hard. What am I doing wrong to not get the same affection? I tried to explain to me DD that I would come back tomorrow and take her for the day. Which resulted in her welling up and crying that she wants to stay with her mum. Whenever I talk to her I always bring myself down to her level, I listen and respond with a calm notion. Nothing seems to help. I forgotten to mention my DD is also beginning to show earlier warning signs of autism. She doesn't do well with change. And she's a bit OCD aswell. her bedroom is always organised neatly. Anything out of place or any changes we make to the house she gets a bit agitated with. My GF is convinced this is why her behaviour is the way it is. When it comes to bedtime.
Communication with your ex seems good, just work together, won't be easy for anyone but as long as you both have daughters best interests at heart it'll all work out eventually