Hi all, first time poster on here. So here is the story...
Earlier this year, a girl got in contact with me to say that she had given birth to a boy that was mine. This sounds normal so far except that I met this girl on a 1 off off the back of an online dating site, slept with her, she claimed the chances of her getting pregnant are low & that she would take the pill the next day.
She then contacted me a few months later saying she's 4 months gone & i panicked. I blocked her & was in denial of this happening which looking back, was a very bad thing for me to do. A friend then got in touch with me so I decided to face the music & see both mother & child. I'm not with the mother, I never was but she has been accepting of things which i really appreciate. It took me a number of months to get my head around it but in that time, he has slept over at mine & I have taken him for days out.
7 months & I now am seeing the values of having this little boy in my life even though it isn't full time.
Now here is where it gets more interesting. So I meet a girl on the internet, sleep with her, she claims she can't pregnant, she gets pregnant, she tells me, I panic & go into denial stage. She gives birth & someone how gets a hold of me. IT HAPPENED AGAIN ... WITHIN 2 MONTHS OF BABY 1 BEING BORN!!
So I am a dad of 2. Mum 1 is fine, very reasonable. Mum 2 isn't as reasonable. Ok, as i mentioned earlier, looking back it was a bad thing to do to be in denial & I feel terrible for it. But my attitude in life is that you can't change your past but you can influence your future. Mum 2 has threatened me verbally & is has a very negative attitude to life off the back of this. I said I would only meet her and the baby in public places where as she won't agree to this so as it stands, things have come to a standstill.
For the record, I'm paying them via a family based arrangement.
In the meantime, not everyone knows of this story because ... well it's embarrasing. I ain't embaressed about having kids, but more the way they happened to 2 different people within the short space of time. Close people know including a girl I have started seeing about 5 months ago and she has been super amazing and all of their support has helped me incredibly. But it is still a secret to the open world & it plays on my mind a bit so I wondered if someone could give me their thoughts on how I could break the news? Would it be a simple online post on social media? a blog? (never done a blog before) or something else?
I have a week off work mid December so the intention was that I break the news Friday evening, The reason being is that I am off work for a week and by the time I am back at work, hopefully it'll be old news. It is mainly work people that don't know (apart from those who need to know) because I work in a contact center which has a gossip type environment. The saying is that words can never hurt you but they do.
I maybe bound to say this but I am a decent bloke. I don't do drugs, I very rarely drink, I work very hard & I do things for charity. I just made an error in judgement in hiding my head in the sand when 2 girls were pregnant within 2 months of each other.
Anyway, I have waffled on enough & I am sorry for going on. I could have gone on more to be honest. I would be interested to hear what you all have to say whether positive or not.
Thank you for reason,
BRB83
HI There,
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I think the only person at work that really needs to know would be your manager, anyone else you wanted to know and trusted you could tell, I wouldn't make an announcement on line, it's too public and if you don't want a big deal made of it, then doing it publically online is the wrong way in my oppinion as it makes a big deal of it.
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I would ask to speak with your manager the day before you have your holiday time and tell them, then maybe tell the people you trust and want to know the same day, if they tell anyone else, you are still out of the way for a week so won't hear any of it.
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If you want any advice on dealing with the issues around baby number two then just ask, we have a wealth of knowledge in contact cases and are happy to help.
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GTTS
Hey, thanks for taking the time to read & reply.
My manager knows & some selected people at work knows. I just want to be in a position where I am hiding a secret & as hiding secrets was one of the reasons why I have felt lousy about things at times.
I feel like I am missing out talking to people about how my boy/girl are getting on in life. The idea of having the odd still photo with my child is very appealing without it being full on. When the people I know ask me how they are getting along, they whisper it to me because I have asked them to keep it to them selves.
I feel that the last few months, I have been a bit of a recluse at work in wanting to sit in quiet places, not often get involved in general conversations because of this secret & if I carry on with this secret, I don't know if I will feel the same hence why just coming out with it will take a weight off of my shoulders. It wouldn't be an attention seeking type of thing, more just a release. I wouldn't tell the full story, more something along the lines of 'I have 2 kids, there are reasons why I haven't mentioned this before which I will keep to my self but how being a dad is awesome' (I would obviously word it better than that). I know people will ask questions but I can bat it off with a straight bat. This kind of goes against what you're saying maybe but ... oh I don't know. I will think it through.
As for advice on baby 2, yes if you can direct me through anything then it would be really appreciated.
Hi there
I agree with GTTS about making some kind of announcement over social media, if you want others to know then put a photo of your child on your desk or as a screensaver and tell the people that already know that you don't need it to be a secret anymore and would quite like to be open about it....perhaps they could chat to work colleagues about it whilst your off as a starting point.
As far as contact with your second child is concerned, your first step would be to attend mediation to try and get an agreement in place, if this fails then the only other option is to apply to court for a Child Arrangements Order.
As you haven't been able to start bonding with your second child, if you do,get an order it's likely to start in a Contact Centre. You could suggest this as a starting point to the mother if she would prefer not to meet with you. Here's a link to their website here you'll find info about centres in your area.
www.naccc.org.uk
All the best and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask.
Hello, thank you for getting in touch.
I will hold off from the social media announcement for the time being. What I have thought about doing in the mean time is sending an email to my direct team making them aware that this life changing moment has happened & instead of keeping it to a limited number of people and in my mind, I wanted to come out about it. They don't know to know the whole story e.g. They was both one night stands off the back of a dating site but more that I have 2 kids. If they discuss this with other colleagues then so be it. I have pre wrote out what I will say, tweak it tomorrow and send before I leave for a week off.
As for the mediation, I'll read over the weekend when I get the chance. You're right I'm saying that I haven't got the bond with the second child like I have with the first & that's mainly with how mum 2 is. I'm just frightened that she will want to meet on a private place and then claim I've done something to her that I haven't done, this maybe extreme but I have a feeling she is desperate. She isn't from this country, she only had her auntie & mum little else. I'll see how that site can help me.
If I was to require any more assistance, would I just reply to this thread? And is it worth me telling you how things have gone with the first issue? I'd hate for anything to go through what I've gone through so I'd be eager to support people where I can now I know all that I know.
Thank you for your support guys
I think your right to do it that way, you don't have to discuss the whole story and people will generally go with the flow!
Here's a link to mediation
www.nfm.org.uk
The previous link I gave is to the Contact Centre website, you can self refer and this may be a way of avoiding any problems meeting up with the mother.
Pleas feel free to post anywhere that you feel appropriate....our legal eagle section is the most used, if you wanted to start a blog about your journey we have a blogs section too. If you wanted me to move this thread over to the legal eagle section I'm happy to do that too.
Well I sent the email and leaving work I felt better for it.
Then I get home and I have received a CMS letter in regards to mum 2. This is the second time this has happened because she cancelled the first application after I said I'd pay her direct as a family based arrangement. I explained how much I could afford and she demanded 3 times as much. Because of the way she speaks (aggressive with her attitude) I don't like talking to her and I refused to go to her house to sort it so I think this mediation needs to take place very soon because if I went though CMS this would potentially crippled me.
I'm loooking to buy a bigger house because my house at the moment is 1 and half bedrooms. I wouldn't be able to get a mortgage if I had 2 higher CMS payments and this property is 3 bedrooms so it'd be in the interest for both kids for me to get this property.
I'm sorry to change tact but would this be better in the legal section?
Thanks again
I'm afraid that since she has involved the CMS, unless she closes the case, then there is nothing you can do to reduce your payments. I think with CMS, with two children you will be paying 12% of gross income and I think this is split equally between both children if there are two cases oepn with CMS. Otherwise I think it will be 9% to the one who has opened the case and the it's up to you to make arrangements with the other mother. It might be worth confirming this with CMS, and possibly even opening a case yourself for your other child.
She cancelled the first application with the CMS as I was told that she would get less money overall from other forms of benefits as well as money from me.
I offered her an amount that was a little less than the CMS calculator but wanted more.
Would I be right in thinking that if she does get the money from me via the CMS, she would get less benefits plus any money through CMS would need to be declared to HM revenue therefor she would get less money?
Ta