[Solved] Split up beofre the birth...
So basically, me and my Girlfriend of 14 months have very recently split, as basically the relationship was not going to end any other way to be honest with you. However, we are expecting a baby boy in November, so right now as the break-up isn't going smoothly.
We have agreed to stay friends, however I am constantly being told that I haven't been there for her and that she has gone through this whole pregnancy on her own. I would disagree with this in the sense that as we are living at our separate family homes, and I never felt particularly comfortable around her family, so this made things more difficult straight away.
I have always offered to buy whatever she needed, go to any appointments she wanted me to be at, and do basically whatever she wanted me to do, as despite our differences, she is carrying my child so I would always look for her to be happy and well.
However, around 2-3 Months into the pregnancy, she became unbearable to be around, constantly sniping at every single little thing I did wrong, splitting up with me every other week for a couple of hours, belittling me in front of her family, just everything. I understand hormones and that things come with pregnancy, but I always felt she was just too over the top with it all, and that it was deliberate.
So anyway, for the next month or 2, things improved, she became a lot more pleasant to be around, and things slowly improved, then a couple of months ago, we started the spiral downward again...
Everything I did was wrong, I wasn't around enough, I wasn't doing anything for the baby, I wasn't saving enough money, literally everything I was doing was wrong, as she would say these things.
Now I am in my early 20's, as is she and we are both becoming parents for the first time, I may have made mistakes, I maybe should have spent more time with her than the 3 times a week I was doing. I am open to the fact that I may not have done things perfectly. I wouldn't want anyone to think I wasn't aware of all of this.
But as time went on, she became disinterested in me, continually accusing me of not being around, not being interested in the baby and so on. Another thing she started to do was tell me I couldn't go out with my friends, I couldn't play sport on a Saturday and things like that. I found this to be very controlling behaviour. It was made out that I was some sort of waste of space who went out every weekend on the town, blew all my money and was never around, which couldn't be further from the truth. Yeah sure I would play Cricket on a Saturday and perhaps go for 1 pint after the game, but that would be it. Hardly out every night like she would have everyone believe...
So the usual back and forth is as follows-
I'm told I'm not interested in the baby, but never how I'm not interested.
I'm told I should not see my friends at all, but spend all my time with her instead. (Which I would have no problem doing if she wasn't so unbearable to be around)
Whenever I try to explain how she is being unreasonable, the reply is along the lines of 'well I'm pregnant you should just deal with it'.
But to cut to where I stand now, we have split, which was a mutual decision as we were just not suited to each other in the long run I don't think, and she is at home with her family for the rest of the pregnancy and the first few months of our baby's life I would imagine. So now I am looking to the future and to what things I have to worry about now (Being on the Birth Certificate, Access etc).
I desperately want to be part of my son's life, to not be would kill me to be quite honest, but I am also aware she holds all the cards now and I accept that I will more than likely become a 'weekend dad' as time goes on. There are jibes and comments made by her to try and wind me up, but I wont bite. I wont give her any ammunition or any excuse to try and stop me seeing my son.
Not only did I find this platform to explain my issues to people who I otherwise wouldn't, other people opinions on this would be cool, as I don't really have anyone to talk to who gets this, so I'm hoping that some of you guys out there can relate in some way?
As far as it stands at the moment, pre birth, you don’t have any rights, having split makes this time difficult for you both.
Bringing new life into the world is massive, everything changes and it’s a big deal to get your head around it all, especially if your relationship has failed.
For the woman, especially a first time mother, they have to deal with their changing bodies, their up and down emotions and worries about the birth... dealing with a break up and the fear of being a single parent and all that entails, adds to their anxiety.
For the man, there are the same doubts and fears, but the pregnancy can seem remote, they aren’t physically carrying their child and often don’t have the same connection.
Right now I would back off from any contentious issues, just let her know that you are committed to your baby and have respect for her too. Offer help with buying things the baby will need, perhaps ask her for a list or suggest that you go shopping together, if that’s possible.
Sometimes flowers with an apology, delivered to her door, can go some way to improving things, small gestures mean a lot to a woman.
Perhaps you could write to her, to get your feelings down on paper and explain how difficult you find it to talk about how you feel... let her know just how much your son means to you and your hopes for the future. It doesn’t have to be heavy duty.
My advice in a nutshell, is to be patient, be kind and be there for her when she needs you to be. Let her know you’re supportive and want to be involved and then leave it to her to decide how that will work. Hopefully the gentle approach will work and towards the end of the pregnancy, things will settle and you’ll be able to talk about the more practical side of things.
All the best