[Solved] a very confusing break up...

Honest truth?

Next time stick a bag over it too young to have a kid and is messing with your head now which in turn could affect your exams/future.

Hi Denny, first congratulations on becoming a Daddy. Welcome to the site and we will try to help you , regardless of your age you are now in the same boat as a lot of men on here and should be treated the same.
can i ask you are you on your sons birth certificate ?
do not go around the house again with out permission as they can get you arrested and at your age you do not want a police record. i think what you need right now is to have someone mediate on your behalf, will your mum do this ? she could get intouch with your childs mum and her parents and see if they can come up with a solution for you to see your son and im sure your parents want to be involved in there grandsons life. whilst the mum of your child is living with her parents it will be under there rules, my grandaughter was born in the same circumstances as your son
Do you think you and your girlfriend will get back together. have you tried asking her to meet up away from the house . If she does not want you in her life you need to accept this. But your son asa right to see you and get to know you , you are is Dad, but you need to be careful and do this properly. you also need to take a step back and try to concentrate on your own life and exams as they are your future. There are things you can do, you can try mediation and i should imagen you will get this through legal aid heres a link www.nfm.org.uk you sound like a bright young man and come back andd let us know how you get on

Thanks Ak,
Yes I am on the birth certificate, we did this when everything was going alright
I'm finding it hard in myself now to think if it is possible for me to get back together with her as this has caused me too much hassle, especially when i need to be focusing on exams...
She refuses to talk to me or my mum, and my dad has vowed not to talk to them until my mum gets an apology from then; as you can tell, there is a terrible in-law relation going on here...
We are waiting for them to come back to us on times which i can be with my son, but they said this last saturday "we will contact your mum and let you know then" however they havent followed up on this, so legal may have to be the way forward...
At the moment, i may as well resume the typical teenager life-theres not much else i can do to keep myself happy!

We were very aware of this at the time, but there was no need for that comment as you cannot change what has already happened

Hi Denny. As you are on the birth certificate you have parental responsibility, this means you are recognised in the eyes of the law as the legal father and you have certain rights, for example, medical records and school reports (bit young yet lol )
I would write to your ex , recorded mail asking for contact, I would start of little but often due to being a baby, maybe 3 times a week for a couple of hours, if she refuses you can try mediation as the court expect this. Dont leave it Denny as weeks turn to months then years. Your parents are upset, this is there grand child and what should be a happy time is a stressful time being controlled by the other grandparents and mum. Having a child is a massive responsibility and is now with you for life. you are young but this does not mean you cant be a great dad

Thanks Ak, I'm going to try and text her tomorrow and see where this brings us, hopefully (and fingers crossed here) I will get to see Keiron before christmas day... I am trying to be as mature as possible about this, as any man will now this is an emotional rollercoaster that you could say is worse than collusus (haha) and i've tried my best by listening to what they want... Not knowing what the mother wants is proving to be a challenge as well, as she will not tell me what she wants let alone let me give anything towards my son... hopefully the christmas presents will go well appreciated (i know keiron will)

Hi did you get in contact with her ?

indeed i did, were meeting on thursday for an hour in a garden centre!

Hi did you meet up ?

Sorry Ak,
I havent been updating as i've been preoccupied with emotions and trauma and exams! Its all been too much and things have been pushed to the back of my head...
Although things have finally cleared up in my head and i can now fill you in on the last 3 weeks!
I now get to see Keiron once a week for one hour (which i know is horrible, but its a start and im trying to work my way around more time with him)
Annelie finally cleared up why she broke up with me - Apparently i have no potential as a suitable husband and providing her with a future with me going to uni... In turn, I feel like i have finally gotten over her (after 12 painstaking weeks)
The first two visits to my son were rather awkward; On that thursday, she bought her parents along and it felt as if i was held at gunpoint for that entire hour... due to that fact i felt any movement or sound i made would be the end of me! So i sat still, focusing my full attention onto Keiron
The next time we met was in ascot this time, on a sunday, for an hour... We talked and walked, until it came to the end of the hour when I asked annelie the questions that kept me up all night: "why did you break up with me?" "What made you think it was the right move?" etc etc... Of course those questions didnt get answered until saturday over text... She failed to confront her emotions in front of me, which to me showed that she has some real growing up to do (to add onto that, she claims i'm the immature one when she hasnt changed a bit...) On sunday gone, we pretty much walked and talked again until we sat in Costa so I could finally pick up Keiron for the first time in ages... and he falls asleep... My luck?!! As annelie was leaving, I didnt want to leave his side, and annelie snaps "Don't worry! You get to see him again!" I simply reply "yeah, one hour a week is great" Which brings us up to now and its her birthday today, and its a battle in my head whether to say happy birthday or not (yes its a small and stupid thing). It seems like the more mature thing to do, but its a battle against the pain and rage in my heart!

You definitely need to say happy birthday to your little one….even if it’s by text asking her to say that daddy says happy birthday….maybe ask if you can see your little one in person to say it and be able to give your birthday gift.
If she refuses don’t argue with the ex….just be the bigger man and accept it and store it for a later day should you need it. Put the present/card to one side and label it 1st birthday.

Its very hard to do and go through I have Xmas presents for this last Xmas from me and for the last 2 Xmas’s from my child’s grandparents who’ve now not seen their 1st Grandchild for almost 2yrs now!

Keep writing a diary of the times you do see your child, what you did etc… and the dates and reasons why your ex wouldn’t let you see your little one…..if you eventually end up going to court to get contact or more contact then these notes and records will be useful for you.

Keep your chin up and don’t bottle it up….come on here and ask questions….there are plenty of us here going or gone through what you are who can help.

Things have been made worse this week with the snow... My dads car has broken down, and my mum is very busy today, so i have no transport... and last week i warned i might not be able to get to ascot this sunday. As far as i was concerned this hour every sunday was set in stone... apparently not... Annelie refused to come to lightwater to let me see Keiron and the excuse is it wasnt planned.
Now this, in my opinion, is rediculous and im trying to be mature about this situation, but she is refusing to cooperate and refusing to give me more time with Keiron... This whole situation is a massive mess and i don't know why its come to this... I dont even know what i have done wrong to deserve this! This whole situation has forced me to take legal action, and i will start getting in touch with legal aids tomorrow in order to get some more time with my son. Annelie also seems more intent on getting her hands on my money than ensuring the bond between father and son (As im in full time education, and earn beneath £1500PA i dont owe her a penny)

Curently the society we live in seems to favour the mother an encourage her to prevent or limit contact to very little as it will not be in their best finacial interests!
this is in my opinion so wrong! there are too many stories of parents who seperate only for the mothers to then restrict access to the kids.....in a lot of cases this is done out of spite for the partner leaving them or cheating on them or other reasons they find need to hurt the other parent for.
the one thing all these have in common really is that the mother (in most casses the RP) does not once consider the impact that reducing the fathers access to his kids actually has on the kids.....do the kids know why daddy is no longer there? in most i'd guess no! i hear of too many where the mothers start brainwashing the kids in to believing that "daddy left you and mummy" its never that "daddy loves you very much and although he's not living with us he still loves you and is going to be there for you"!!

with your ex being so young and still living at home with her parents i'd guess that she is under a little pressure to restrict you going there seeing as "you're the one who has ruined their daughters future!" i write that to show you what her parents may think of you....i'm guessing they thought that their daughter would go on in life and become very successful and do all the things they never had the chance to etc...etc...etc.... and by having a baby they fear she now cannot!
so there is bound to be tension for her......and she will no doubt have to abide by their rules etc... while living under their roof!

With legal action you need to get that sorted quickly as legal aid for these matters is being pulled by the government in April.So you have no other options available....legal route you will need to have offered to seek mediation and prove that she is not prepared to before the courts will look at contact orders.
do a quick search and you will find pletny of information rearding contact orders, going to court etc...
the courts do see for the most that a child should have a father around and see them often to help provide a balanced upbringing....but don't think for one moment that its going to be quick and painless.....your ex (and probably her parents) may think that you taking her to court is like an "act of war" a challenge to her and her rules.....so as said before anything you do or say needs to be backed up by proof and you need to behave in a "whiter than white" way to ensure you do not give her any ammo to help her prevent you from being a big part of your childs life.

I was recently reminded of a program that Channel 4 and Bob Geldof last year did about fathers rights in regard to an act going through parliment.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHkbYvkRO-g ....... its interesting viewing and i'll be honest most of us here can relate to a lot of the things he addresses in it.

i never wanted to be a weekend dad......i'm still fighting 2,1/2yrs on in my battle........there are days when i want the world to go away and leave me in peace........there are days when i wish someone coudl get the ex to see that my child has a right to his daddy in his life....not just the new daddy she has quickly replaced me with!

I will never stop fighting to see my child.....and you shouldn't either....keep your chin and head held high and prove to her you're going to be there no matter what for your child.....your child deserves it!

In fact, Children's rights should be cleared up and be nourished first.

Hi Denny, sorry havent been on line much.
Im glad you have at least seen your son. Im afraid the weather is against you at the minute. My son may have to cancel a visit and I know she wont give him another day, she will say, tough you have been allocated your day not my fault you cant make it !
Your ex is doing what all women do, control you with your child. Her living with her parents will have a huge inpact on you seeing your son and they will have some control over her as she lives there. I feel going forward mediation may be the answer in the short term, the reason being your son is very young and even if you go to court you wont get as much time as you want. I think at this age the court think often say twice a week but short visits, but due to the distance and transport thats going to be difficult. You can get legal aid for mediation, but it all stops in April so hurry !! look on line at the www.nfm.org.uk from the site you can be directed to your nearest one local to you. If you go the court route they will only order you to try this first anyway. I would do both to be honest , see a solicitor get legal aid started and make sure they will continue your case after April on legal aid and get in touch nfm to start mediation and also its a good idea to state to the mediator you wish any agreement to be made into a court order.

Thats very true Ak, my ex has always been controlling (i've only realised it now as i was blinded by love)...
I'm afraid to take it to court though, as its bit of a gamble, plus i feel the decision to take it to take court was a "heat of the moment" action, that i'm now regretting...
The way she is using Keiron as a tool for her ruthful actions sickens me (personally i dont see why either Keiron or I deserve that kind of treatment)
She was mentioning on our text war on sunday how she has to look after Keiron all the time... Personally I found that response stupid as she put herself in that position! She should know that I would happily look after keiron is she just gave me that time... But she refuses to!
(Did i forget to mention shes as stubborn as S*** in a toilet?)
And Yes Dad-i-d what your saying is very true-The transport situation is the only one i understand though as they live on a bend of a very busy road, meaning it is very hard to get out of there!
But thank you all!
I will update next text war/Visit with Keiron!!!

Hey bud,

I've been reading through your replies and wanted to offer some advice, feel free to take it or not.

1) Stop having long communications through text messages, especially if things get heated. Don't write anything in a text you wouldn't say to her face. Why? Because text messages are written quickly and sent instantly. If you can't talk calmly talk to her over the phone then write her a letter or an e-mail. Take the time to plan what you want to say to her and write it. You'll find just by writing your thoughts down, you'll feel release a lot of the tension. Be clear and concise, and this sounds odd, but get someone else to check it for grammar and spelling. If your ex receives a well written, clear and understandable e-mail or letter it shows you've put effort and thought into it rather than just blasting off a quick knee [censored] text message.

2) Stay away from any kind of communication publicly on facebook, twitter, etcother than positive messages. Like pictures of the baby and leave good messages but don't get drawn into rows on it.

Hi dennyx94,

OK you have got an awful lot on your plate at the moment - preparing for exams, a new dad (congratulations btw), a relationship breakup and two sets of parents who don't get on - someone much older than yourself would find this a lot to deal with, so well done for trying to handle it.

I agree with faildeadly85 - you need to stop the 'text war' I understand that you and your ex are angry at each other however you will never be able to agree about anything if you are bickering all the time.

I think it would be best for you, your ex and both sets of parents to attend some mediation sessions - if not for the sake of you and your ex then for the sake of Keiron. At the moment it sounds as if his parents and grandparents are all at war and somewhere in the middle is a lovely tiny baby who could do with two loving parents and four doting grandparents. I'm sure National Family Mediation could help you out (t's worth a try).

You have made some mistakes in dealing with this situation but hey you're 18 - you're allowed to make mistakes - don't beat yourself up about it. We have all made mistakes - it's how you learn from them that matters.

Seriously you sound like a committed dad, who could do a great job of being a parent if given the chance.

I would talk to your parents about, for you and your sons sake. trying to move on from all that has happened and try to find a way forward working with your ex's family to do the best by your son.

Keep talking mate and try to keep as civil as you can (whatever the provocation)

Gooner.

I agree with the advice about texts - imagine how it would look in court if it was presented against you- you need to be better than her.

Thank You all so much!!!
This is all really great advice and I cant express how grateful i am for this help!
I just have one problem, what do i do with all my unanswered questions?
At the moment i feel like screaming in her face about how unfair this is on Keiron and myself...
I don't think i'll be able to restrain myself from begging for these answers!
She avoids these questions over text and she avoids all confrontation face-to-face aswell!

Another problem that i seem to run into quite often is whenever i'm alone i start to overthink everything and drive myself into a depression which can sometimes take a whole day to go away! (BTW not saying i'm suicidal)
I usually start acting like this whenever i find something new out like some BS thats she said about me to our friends...
I try blocking it out, but it always comes back to bite me on the [censored]!

Otherwise from that, 1 more exam left, and my top choice university (RHUL) were remarkably impressed with my enthusiasm during my interview! I'm going to start driving lessons soon, and hopefully start getting my life back! (when i say this, i refer to how i was bit of an overly attached bf :}

Thank you everyone though!!!

I just have one problem, what do i do with all my unanswered questions?
At the moment i feel like screaming in her face about how unfair this is on Keiron and myself...
I don't think i'll be able to restrain myself from begging for these answers!
She avoids these questions over text and she avoids all confrontation face-to-face aswell!

For the time being those questions will have to be unanswered. I know that's not the answer you want. You must restrain yourself for the time being - please trust me on this.

Otherwise from that, 1 more exam left, and my top choice university (RHUL) were remarkably impressed with my enthusiasm during my interview! I'm going to start driving lessons soon, and hopefully start getting my life back! (when i say this, i refer to how i was bit of an overly attached bf

That is brilliant news. Royal Holloway is a good uni (an ex girlfriend of mine - many many many years ago went there :whistle: )
I'm so glad you seem to be getting everything else sorted. Well done.

Keep us posted mate.

Gooner

Alright...update!
Sunday went well... took alot of teeth grinding, fist-clenching and tongue biting, but i kept the questions and anger at bay...
Keiron sure has grown alot!!! However he was asleep the entire time we were at Costa so once again, i missed the opportunity to pick him up...
Alot of awkward conversation... oh and she insisted that one of our friends stayed... (Although having her there helped break the tension and keep my anger at bay)
But thats not all... At the end of the hour i asked if I could pick up Keiron, but annelie would not let me pick him as he was still asleep and she didnt want a screaming baby... So instead i kissed him on cheek and told him my love 🙂
oh but wait there is more! As far as i was aware of, she then went home to feed Keiron... But that isnt what happened yesterday... She stayed out with our friend for more hours after that... So now she is lying to me aswell as denying me access to our son...
SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME WITH THIS ANGER AS WELL! It keeps building up and compressing feeling like my heart is being scrunched into a ball!

I would heartily recommend that you consider anger management - it will help you to understand the process that is going on and give you strategies to cope with your feelings, and to understand that your ex knows how to push the right buttons. It may also prevent you from doing/saying something you may well regret later on