Hi I’m not really sure what I’m expecting from this, I guess I’m just trying to reach out to someone who may have gone through similar to me. I have 3 gorgeous girls (6, 4 and 16 months) and a fantastic wife who is the best Mum to my kids that I could dream of. Perfect little family. A few weeks ago we found out we had an unplanned pregnancy and we were both in deep shock. We’d never written off having a 4th but certainly wasn’t planning on doing so at this time. From the moment we found out wife said she can’t go through it all again/couldn’t give any more and was emotionally and physically drained. She was also worried about not being able to be the Mum she wants to be to the girls we already have. I initially had the same anxieties/worries but over time (4 weeks of anxiety, researching and soul searching) my feelings were the opposite. Wife’s feelings sadly didn’t change and she wanted an abortion. She wished she felt differently as she could see the pain I was going through. It’s been so hard respecting her and her rights against my own feelings and emotions - last thing I wanted was to co-erce/force her in some way to continue a pregnancy she didn’t feel able. I have spoken to a counsellor who believes I’m grieving. I keep going over what I could have done or said differently to change her heart.
Sorry to hear your situation, It must be really hard for you both. I have never found myself in this situation, but I have always said to myself, that if I did, I would respect the womans decision, no matter how hard it is on me. It is their body that has do go through it all. I often think, if the financial situation meant we couldnt care for it, if i knew it would not get a good upbringing., then maybe it is for the best?
I honestly do not know what to suggest, only that you will have to try and support your wife through this and treasure the children you already have. Try not to put pressure on her to keep it, it will probably make things worse. You might already have done so, but just sit with her, tell her how you feel about it and you will support her and help her through whatever decision she makes. But she will need to understand the emotional impact it will have on you, I am sure with time, things will get better. Good luck with it all.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. My approach has been very much as you have suggested you would take in the same situation, so that’s very reassuring. I keep thinking what if I had got her Mum on board but I know that would have been completely wrong and would have backed her into a corner. I have tried so hard to provide my thoughts/feelings in a non-pressured way. Of course that’s very hard when you have so many emotions on the inside, keeping it together and trying not cry in front of her for example (which just adds more pressure) I should have been clearer and said she has had the abortion already. I’m just trying to find a way forward and needed somewhere to talk/put things out there, hence why I’m so grateful for your reply. Just to be heard helps a lot, so thank you.
I would suggest you go to see your GP, and you've said you've been to counselling. I think it's worth both of you going to counselling and talking this through with someone independent - as said, you need to greive, but I think you also need to talk about this out in the open together otherwise it could fester and affect your relationship. You also need to look at having a vasectomy so you both don't go through this again.
I agree with actd. Definitely think about going to see your GP and consider trying to set up some counselling with your wife. She is probably processing a lot of grief and guilt as well. Take care of yourselves.