Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Hi There, I KNOW ITS LONG BUT PLEASE PLEASE READ IT!!! 😐
I'm a 19 yr old girl and I lost my mother to Cancer a little over 3 years ago. I'm an only child and I want to move out for uni even though its still in london (I'm currently on a gap year). I've spoken to my dad a few times about it but he views it as my abandoning him which is nothing to do with it at all. I feel like I need some space and I want to be independent. The thought is difficult for both of us as we're the only direct family that we have close by. My fathers family all live where he was born (abroad) and my mums side live in a different City.
But yeah, basically, i've had counselling for over 2 years and its helped me so much, but being a man, my dad doesnt want to admit to me or anyone else that counselling would help. He did go for a few sessions which were compulsory and I could see such a big difference in him but he wont go back and I cant help him with some of the things he needs to talk about because honestly its too much for me to handle. He currently tells me all of his problems all the time and its stressfull for me to listen to. I want to help him as much as I can but he's so closed off that I dont know how.
As I'm an only child he also doesnt see anyone else but me. He's working. From home. from his Laptop. And I'm worried that if I leave his mental state will disintegrate.
I feel like our relationship would benefit form not seeing one another every day and there would be less strain on it, but I need to know how to help him adjust to the idea and speak to me about it. It's a decision that will affect both of us and I WANT to be able to make the descision with him.
As you all know, its always more complex than that but we'd be here forever if we al explained it in full so I'd appreciate any advice on the matter. I basically wondered if there are any other widowed fathers who could shed some light on how my dad might be feelling and how I can help him.
I have ahd to grow up a lot faster than most my age so I'm good with up front and honest.
Thank you in advance.
Hi ZeeGirl,
Welcome to DadTalk.
First of all I'll talk as a Dad (I have a, soon to be, 15 yo daughter). The hardest thing as a dad is to accept that your little girl is growing up. We have spent sooo many years in protective mode that allowing our little angel's their own freedoms and space to grow is a hard thing to do. Now magnify this by what your dad has gone through losing your mum and wanting to be strong for you. I can imagine that his over protectiveness (that all Dads have) has gone into overdrive.
But after saying all that, part of growing up is leaving home and starting out on your own. That is a massive part of the whole university experience. So I can totally understand why you want to live in student digs/house.
You need to have an honest conversation with your Dad. Remember originally he was a dad and a husband, then he lost your mother but he was still a dad. I would imagine he is now wondering, if you move out, what is he ? what's his role? - and what he needs to understand is that he will still be your dad.Try not to get frustrated and loose your temper. Try starting out by telling him that you love him and how much he means to you, but that you feel that you need to move into your own place because you need your space and want to be independent. Try thinking about using some of these:
- that it doesn't mean you won't need him any more - he's your dad, you'll always need him.
- Can he help you find a place - value his opinion.
- Agree that you will come home for Sunday dinner (or similar) every x a month.
- Agree to have dad date (an evening devoted to just you and your dad) every x.
- Agree to regular phone calls.
He needs to know he is still important to you but that you need to be able to make your own choices and learn by making your own mistakes - with the security of knowing that he will always be there for you.
This is one of the toughest discussions you are going to have with you dad, but explain that you have thought long and hard about it and you feel its the right time.
The most important thing is for you to reassure him that you are not pushing him out of your life, just moving onto a new stage but you still need him to be part of your life and involved.
I have asked James from the charity Jennifer (they support widowed fathers and their children through all stages from bereavement to family life as a single parent.) to pop by this thread and give you the benefit of his experience.
I hope some of this will be of help and that it makes sense.
If you want to chat some more please post again. I would love, if nothing else to know how it works out. I'm sure other members of the DadTalk community will be more than happy to advise as well.
Good luck and keep in touch.
Gooner
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.