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First post here, should probarbly be in the new section, but I suppose this one will do! A short backstory!
I’m 26 years old, my partner is 20, I’m English and she is a South African, we have been together several years, we actually met through an online game originally, now,fast forward to the recent year. December 23rd, we find out she is pregnant, we were still distanced at the time, surviving on trips every other month to one another. Now after this fantastic news, is where life took a very strange turn.
Firstly, we were given some absolutely [censored] poor advice by the CAB, who advised us our best course of action would be to appeal for asylum, well, that fell on its [censored]. After shelling out thousands in lawyer fees too. So essentially, she was told she had to leave.. my world fell apart, my 6 months pregnant girlfriend forced out.. and there was nothing I could do.
We have been dealing with it as best we can, as it stands, she is due on august the 9th, still no baby yet, we are going through the process of getting her back, and the baby, I wont be there for the birth unfortunately, as I used up the full amount of my holiday dealing with the asylum case/various doctors appointments. I will be there afterwards though, as I can then use my Paternity. I’m actually flying out with BA, which for me, is classy!! My parents were sweet enough to give me their air miles they had been saving for at least 15 years, so I didn’t have to pay a penny for the flight. Anyway! I digress! So, we are still having a ton of issues. Such as despite being a english speaker (as her first language) and with a teaching certificate from Cambridge that specialises in teaching English to non English speaking adults.. we get told we still need to pay 300 quid for her to have a test that ‘proves’ she can speak reasonable English (Yup, Ill be in that money forum a lot. Mostly weeping softly to myself.)
So all this aside, Ill hit you with my problem, I don’t know how rare it is, Ill be honest, A lot of my friends are… gamers, which inherently means, losers. So Ive had very few people with which to discuss this.
I feel nothing. I don’t know if its because I havent seen her in the last 3 months, so I havent seen this bump grow, or because of the stress its put on our relationship, or because im simply a horrible person.. but I feel nothing yet. I feel no love, or affection or anything towards this child, granted its not here yet, but im terrified. That when I get there (I fly out on the 24th btw) Ill still feel the same, really I’m hoping some kind soul could reassure me.. that it comes. Because right now, Im feeling like a horrible person.
So! That’s my first post! Nice and vulnerable!
Tom.
I can't say that I'm surprised that you don't feel anything with the fact that you are distant, and the hoops you've had to jump through.
Do all you can to be involved, and the first time you see your baby, you will start to bond 🙂
Hi Tom,
Welcome to DadTalk.
Mate after what you have been through so far it would be normal to be feeling this way. Don't beat yourself up - you're not a horrible person. The very fact that you are concerned that you feel nothing is proof of that.
With all the stress you have been through over the past months it must have taken the gloss off the whole "Hey I'm gonna be a dad" thing. Normally the whole build up to the birth is a enjoyable shared experience, but in your case it sounds like worry, stress, pain and cost. What a shame you are unable to attend the birth - I'm sure you would love to support your other half through this time.
Dads often can feel detached and a little like a spare part at times like this - multiplied by the thousands of miles between you and your partner, I can't imagine how left out and uninvolved you must feel.
When you get out there and see your child for the first time - it will actually dawn on you that this is your child. There will be no better feeling trust me.
Do you know if your having a son or daughter yet ? How is the whole emigration thing going ? Does it look like your partner be able to come over and join you ?
Gooner
The system is an absolute joke in all fairness. She has a teaching degree, she can help other 'foreigners' integrate in the community by teaching them English, she'd be a big asset to any community, stupid idiots. It's wrong big time, but that's our country for you (UK as a whole)
As for your feelings, it's been a long, hard slog, and going through what you have, it's hardly surprising that you're feeling a bit low about things, however all that will change once you see and hold the baby for the first time.
I hope everything falls into place for you, even if you do have to fight the system along the way.
Hello!
Thanks for the swift replies! I shall do my level best to become an active member of the community here, Im in the quiet period at work (Central heating firm) so Im able to post a fair amount!
Baz, As somebody who has been through it, I am a proud English person who has no issues with foreigners coming in and working, and pulling their weight, but I hate scroungers, and I can sadly see why the system has so many, they make it nigh impossible to go through the legit route.
As for Gooner, I am expecting a baby girl, named Cara! She is due on the 9th, but they will induce on the 12th (Its rather soon, but apparently thats how they do things out there)
In regards to her getting home, we have set an ETA of around Xmas. which is still dead wrong, and any holdups could push that back. For example in the last month, the holdups have been,
1, They said we couldnt call her a b****** (my surname) without me being there, a notorised, signed letter done at the south african embassy wasnt good enough. so that wouldve made things infinitely harder. thanks to my parents this one was overcome.
2, We cannot apply for my partners visa, and the passport for the nippette at the same time, because they both require 'original' copies of my birth certificate etc, so despite the fact they go through the same govt agencies.. for a child who has british rights, on behalf of a father who is british.. they cant expedite it, so that they could cross reference them. meaning we have to get the passport first (which can take up to 3 months) and THEN the spouse visa.. which can be the same.
3, the latest mess with the English test.
The system is NOT fit for purpose sadly, but hey, I could sit here ranting all day!
On to brighter things! I really do appreciate the help already, its nice to just be able to talk to people about it, obviously approaching my dangerously volatile 9 month pregnant partner to talk about it wasnt an option, I feel I have stumbled across a really good resource here!
Just a thought - if they require original copies of your birth certificate, you can still get extra copies from the registrar of births, those should be sufficient. I think they are just clarifying that photocopies are not acceptable.
Did find an error in the bank of questions that you need to answer to become a British citizen
Q. What countries make up the United Kingdom
A. England, Wales, Scotland, Northern Ireland
later on..
Q. What is the highest denomination bank note issued in the United Kingdom
A. £50
Wrong!! Having established in the earlier question, that Scotland is in the UK, the Scottish Banks issue a £100 note.
Putting £100 (which was one of the options in the multiple choice answers) would have lost you a mark.
hah, Incase you want a giggle, Ill link a practise test
http://www.emduk.com/download/A1%20Gene ... ooklet.pdf
Its atrocious how simple it is. I think if it was harder, I'd object less!
But yes, thanks for all the kind words! now to browse the other areas of this forum and see if I can contribute anywhere!
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