[Solved] Bit of advise from dads please

Hi there,

In my opinion, you are being reasonable, at 9 months old its understandable that you are being protective of your baby. You should tell him to come on here and read some of the stories from Dads that get no contact at all, he might just realize how reasonable you're being.

You are doing what you feel comfortable with and what is in the best interests of your baby. Just stick to your guns and try not to let his nastiness affect you. If his bad behaviour continues, perhaps you should invite him to mediation. He needs to be reminded that as the mother of his child, he needs to start treating you with some respect! After all your going to be in each others lives for the foreseeable future!

Best of Luck with it 🙂

Hi lee2012,

I agree with NJ - this sounds reasonable. Your son is very young and it makes sense at the moment.

I would also agree about mediation - it is a great process that will allow you both to speak your mind and explain your point of view.

I would suggest looking at National Family Mediation .

What's your sons name ? how is he doing ?

Keep talking.

Gooner

I did arrange mediation in the summer and he wouldn't go. I have since suggested it too but he says there is no point... Not sure why. I sometimes think his main concern is trying to upset or hurt me rather than actual do whats best for our son.
My sons name is Ayden and he is amazing he has just started crawling so he is all over the place now. I just hope it all gets sorted soon or I can just come to terms with the way my ex is as I feel like its just taken over my life for the past 9 months, I have spent near enough every night worrying about if he takes me to court and if this is all going to have an affect on Ayden. I dont know or understand how having a baby has turned so nasty.

Hi Lee

I think you should continue to push for Mediation, perhaps if you explain to the father that the court would expect Mediation to have been fully explored by parents before considering making any kind of order for access. You could contact your local Mediation Service and go and have a chat about the issues anyway, they would then write to the father and invite him in to talk things through ...he might take your request a little more seriously if it comes from an official source....if he fails to attend then if it goes to court it will demonstrate his unreasonable behaviour.

It is very stressful when both parents are at loggerheads and it can consume your life as you have mentioned....Trying to reach agreement when the other person isn't listening is nigh on impossible. Your offer of contact is more than generous in my opinion and I feel confident in saying that a court would also think you have been very reasonable. If he took you to court, he wouldn't get more access than you are offering and the likelyhood could well be less contact because of his failure to put your sons best interests first....as you said its seems he is using this to hurt you first and foremost.

It might be a good idea to write to him and include a schedule of contact that you are happy with, and tell him that you have taken advice and have been reliably informed that this is more than generous, give him the opportunity to accept what you offer, but also state that if he cannot agree, and will not attend Mediation then he leaves you no choice but to deny access and go to court. Explain that his continuing unreasonable behaviour is very unsettling for you and is causing unnecassary worry, which you feel will start to affect your baby if it remains unresolved. Let him know that you want him to be fully involved in his sons life, but that means developing a good relationship with you too. As Ayden gets older its so important that he has parents that get on and work together to give him the best possible start in life, and enable him to grow up to be a happy and confident child. Photocopy the letter and send it registered signed for, so that you have proof it has been delivered.

Good luck 🙂

Hi Lee,

I agree with NJ and Gooner,

What you have offered is and always has been fair to your ex, it seems as though he wants what suits him and not Ayden, he has shown that by saying that the sunday morning was too early!! does he expect Ayden to stay alseep until later when he finally does go and stay over with him??

again I would agree that you should push for mediation as thiswould give you the chance to talk things through with him.

The only thing I would be very careful of though is denying access even in the short term as that may impact the judges oppinion if it goes to court. I speak from experience on this as my ex stopped my contact and it was looked upon badly by the judge and she got quite a dressing down due to it. Court is stressful and it consumes you fully so I feel for you and Ayden as it seems you have a long way to go before you can get through this but we are all behind you and as said rest assured in the view you are being fair towards Ayden's dad.

Darren

Thanks. I have sent him a schedule but with no response other than no he wants him overnight by the end of feb. When I have asked him to justify what he wants to be beneficial to Ayden (spending so much time away from me and possibly unsettling him further with starting in childcare the same time he is demanding to have him overnight) he simple answers I am his dad it doesnt matter.
He wants to meet up to discuss it but I don't know if I feel comfortable with this after all that has gone on and I feel it will be pointless as he seems to have lack of understanding when it comes to what contact I suggest. Do you think I should meet him or not?

I havent denied contact only when Ayden has been too poorly. On one occasion this was for a week and the other was for 1 day. He did end up in hospital and the doctors, but then he thought Ayden should still have gone with him. This is something I really don't agree with is taking a child from there home when they are ill.

Hi

I agree that Ayden shouldn't go when he is ill, it wouldn't be in his best interest and his dad should understand that.

With regards to meeting up it wouldn't hurt to do this but suggest a public place like a coffee shop and don't take Ayden, you could ask a friend or family member to come along and sit at a different table to watch from a distance that all is ok.

That said though if he is wanting to talk them mediation would be the best way to do this so give that another try.

Darren

This actually makes quite interesting reading what a mother is offering… and being refused cooperation by her ex.

From a fathers point of view as I’m fairly sure you’d not get the impartial advice from somewhere such as Mumsnet!! I’m sure they would suggest to stop the contact and let him take you to court then make up all sorts of fictitious stories about him to force him to do as you want him to!

What I’d suggest is happening here is that your ex probably feels that you’re trying to “tell him” what he can and can’t do with his own child…..my ex does it all the time…and did before I left her.

The real point I would like to put is that as a “reasonable” father I would want more time than you are offering “allowing” with my child. After all he is a part of you both………..and I know how bad the pain and hurt inside me is to be apart from my child who I love more than breathing.

Your ex should be allowed to be a big part of your child's life and not excluded because you feel your child should not be away from you….I mean no offence by this….and I can see why you feel such a young child should not be away from you from your point of view, but surely his father has a right to keep a bond with his child too?
The child is a part of you both……and unless there are safeguarding issues over why he should not spend reasonable time with him then why prevent it?

The times need to be agreed between you both….mediation would help but you have to both make compromises not just him or you…both of you!

Is he a good Dad? Is he capable of looking after a child?

If yes to both then why restrict his contact with his child….If you have doubts talk to him reasonably and actually listen to him rather than “tell” him. If you’re confrontational he will be straight away on the defensive and not listen to you…..mediators would be the ideal people to help you both see each other’s point of views.

In my opinion parenting should be shared when people separate not taken away from someone because the other has issues letting them

Like I said if there are valid safe guarding issues then fine restrict contact but if there aren’t he has just as much right to be in his child's life.

I think I agree with your statement that the father feels he is being told what contact he should have and that is never going to be an easy thing to get past. But what I also feel is that the father is thinking of what's best for himself and not thinking of the young child.

A court would always consider what is best for the child and not what was better for either parent, and although maybe more time could be offered by Lee it seems that the father only wants this time on his own terms, he has been given the option of longer extended time and says that it was too early on a sunday morning so collects later, he also collects late and drops off early on another contact day. I know when I collect my son I am over near where he lives a a good 10-15 mins before my collect time so that I'm not late and get my full contact time with him.

Darren

Yes I agree I do feel he thinks its because I am telling what he can and cant have but I whenever I have suggested something it has always just been that a suggestion and I tell him which I am happy to look at something else.
But the past 9 months my ex has gone back and forth with things. First off 10am was to early and an unreasonable time, then 8am was then it wasnt and now it is. He wanted to do alternate sat and sundays, then he didnt he just wanted to do Sundays, then he wanted to do alternate sat and sundays again. He wanted Thursday, then Wednesday. He books a 2 week holiday out of the country when he was 9 weeks old but when I am taking Ayden away I get hurled with abuse. Can you see where am coming from? All my ex has ever tried to do is work Ayden round his life.
Unfortunately there are a lot of manipulative, selfish and unreasonable mothers out there but there also mothers who aren't and unfortunately the same goes for dads too.

With regards to his age when I spoke to his health visitor about this she was they one who said babies and small toddlers should not spend a big amount of time away from there main caregiver be it there mum, dad or whoever. In Australia they advise not to let any child under 3 spend regular overnight stays with the other parent because of the affects it has and can have on them.

I can see where you coming from DAD-I-DAD but I do believe contact should be whats best for the baby/child and I do think age has a lot to do with this. If Ayden was 5 id be more than happy to do alternate weekends and one night in week and half the school holidays.

How about you both write down what you each feel is fair…..then swap and reach a compromise?

Mediators would be able to give him the benefit of their views with the age of the child involved and maybe help you both reach a compromise.

The thing I’ve always worried about with my child is because I left when he was 2,1/2 that his mother controlled and limited the time I could have with him and then moved a new guy in and cut my time to zero to promote the new guy as his new father! (Fact! She told him that he has anew daddy now!!!) I’ve been steadily losing the bond he had with me since she started preventing me and him from spending quality time together.

I don’t personally feel that an hour here…and hour there in a few weeks is not enough quality time with a child who’s life you have been in since conception…gone through the sleepless nights… the rush to the hospital when he was ill….the bath time and bedtime routines that are suddenly ripped away from you by someone telling you that now you have left them you are no longer capable or able to look after.

But that’s just this dad’s view.