[Solved] Bitter ex unnecessarily spiteful to me

Hi

It sounds like your ex has total control of your life and you really need to try to get some of that control back. With regards to maintenance, has you checked what the CSA calculation would actually come out at? It could well be that you are worried that the payments will be higher than they actually would be - and there is a deduction as you have a daughter with your fiancee. The only way I would consider paying into an account other than your ex's is by way of a family based arrangement ( http://www.cmoptions.org/en/options/family-based-arrangement.asp), with that written into it, otherwise you might find yourself being accused of making no payments at all.

Also, have a look at yoji's guide to representing yourself at the top of the legal eagle section - I think you need to consider applying for a contact order. Normally, you would be expected to try mediation first, but that can be expensive, and I believe you can go straight for a contact order citing the cost of mediation as the reason you didn't try that first.

Hi there,

I would remind your ex that if she were to go through the CSA, as she is on benefits, she wouldn't receive any of the maintainace money, like she does now! The only way she would benefit from maintainance is if she was working.

She's lucky your not as spiteful! Its a pity you cant remind her of this but she would probably see it as a threat.

Perhaps mediation might be an option for you, if you were on a low income you might be eligible for legal aid.

You mention that you weren't always the best person to her in the past. Have you tried to address this by apologising and explaining that you were young and didnt realize the impact it would have.... If its not possible to talk to her, you could try writing to her.

I do hope you keep on trying to get access with your daughter...perhaps you could send her little cards and things just to let her know you're thinking about her.

Good luck with everything.

Thanks for your replies. I am paying 100 a month which was agreed by my ex. Me and my fiancée struggle paying that as we don't get any help with our bills and rent. It's only every now and again that it all blows up and becomes a problem, most of the time she is happy with the money she receives. She asked me to pay the money into an account for my daughter and because its for my daughter, I was happy to do so, but I now know the reasons for this is so it doesn't show up in her bank. She always wanted me to pay in cash but I never have as I feel is evidence to prove I have been paying if I pay by bank transfer.

Oh believe me, myself, my fiancée have all tried to praise her and get on a good side just for the sake of making her calm down. My fiancée does very well at empathising with her and she normally calms down but it's a scary thought that my life is constantly on eggshells when I haven't done anything terribly wrong. I'm constantly told that my daughter hates speaking to me on the phone and sighs when I ring, I can't decide if that's just because she's a 6year old and can't be bothered to stop what shes doing rather than the fact its me ringing but of course regardless my ex uses this to hurt me and then tells me she's giving me advice but she really never gives me constructive advice, it's more a few texts making me feel like I should jump off a bridge!

My fiancée has managed to settle the issue in the last day, by suggesting we write letters as it may mean my daughter has more to tell me if she writes it down. My ex though it was a great idea! We done something right then! I'm not confident this is the end. I've had problems for 5years, it won't stop yet. The issues aren't as regular now that we live in different parts of the uk, and the contact isn't an issue unless there has been a problem

In regards to CSA, she is working now that my daughter is at school. We are in that tricky category, I'm not on a low income but because we get no help, it means I'm no better off than someone on benefits once the bills have been paid. So I'm worried that because I'm on an average salary, they will take a huge portion more than what we can afford, meaning my ex can live comfortably and my current immediate family are struggling for food and the essentials.

Hi there

I think you've hit the nail on the head as far as talking on the phone is concerned, my grandson absolutely refuses to speak on the phone, he's 5 and hates being interupted mid play!

It sounds as if you are in a supportive and loving relationship now, just try and let the criticisms roll off you, dont rise to the bait, instead thank her for the advice ....if she thinks shes not getting the desired effect of hurting you , she may well stop.

Your fears about CSA are understandable and I feel for your predicament. Have you checked to see if you might be entitled to Working Families Tax Credits, if not it might be worth a try.

Yes my fiancée has been great for the past 3years. She has tried to not say a word as it didn't concern her, but we are due to get married next year, have a son together and she's dealt it's this for 3years aswell so she try's to be the voice of reason in this but sometimes it backfires and results in my ex being abusive towards her. M ex calls my fiancée 'perfect' and patronising, but my fiancée sees this more of a compliment that she thinks that and says that my ex mistakes patronising for being grown up and reasonable. My ex doesn't like talking rationally, it's just constant arguing and it goes off on all tangents apart from the issue we started with!

In regards to the tax credits....this is why we are struggling because we are not entitled to hardly anything! I was over payed last tax year and so our payments are reduced and can be 99% sure we will recieve less or even none next April. My fiancée is looking into going back to work but because our son is only 18months old, the childcare is an issue so we are not sure if the money earnt will just go straight on childcare but more worryingly have read that my partners income would be taken into account by CSA.

...The system in this country stinks! If you're a SS scrounger churning out kids every year to different mums, you get everything given on a plate and no repercussions, but if you work hard and always try and do the right thing, you're penalized for it. We are the squeezed middle in todays society....it seems to me you're ok if you're rich, and get everything paid for if you're poor! I try not to moan about things I cant change, but you poor Dads have a raw deal!

Childcare is a big problem in this country, its so expensive! I look after my 16mth old grandson for my daughter, she works 2 days a week and goes to college 2 days a week and if it wasnt for family stepping in to help she wouldn't be able to go to work or train for a better career!

I wish you both the best of luck.

Totally agree with everything you have said! Its so fustrating yet absolutely nothing can be done about it. Thanks for your advice anyway- will be back again if theres any more problems.....Im sure there will be!