[Solved] Changing feelings of love after reconciliation

Hi There,

Is's great to hear you have managed to get back together and have managed to re kindle the love you had (probably always have had) for your wife. I guess your wife feeling the way she does is probably a reaction to the seperation, I don't think she feels any less for you than you do for her.

I would hazard a guess she is keeping her defences up incase things go wrong again. I may be way off but if i'm not things will probably get better over time when she relaxes and realises you are there for keeps.

You may need to try and talk very openly about how you feel and how what she has said has effected you.

You have botth been through a lot and you may need some help to get back on track. Have you though about relationship counciling? you are together and plan to stay that way, but you may find that councilling will allow you both to talk very openly and sort out how to move forward and past this.

You may be able to have this talk without a councilor and that would be great as I'm sure it would bring you much closer.

I hope you can sort this and it doesn't ruin what sounds like a good solid relationship.

GTTS

Thanks GTTS

Things have got worse/ more complicated.

Last week, I caught her seeing another man behind my back. I now do believe that they are just friends but she has told me she has feelings for him. My reaction was not good. I demanded she stop seeing him a d initially she refused; said there was no reason to.
I upped the ante, threatening to leave etc and think I have pushed her further away. Our relationship is now in a strange place - seemingly down to my jealousy and knee-[censored] reactions. Trust is now an issue for sure. I trust that she is faithful and that she tells me the truth when I ask her, but not sure I can trust her fully.

Think I may have screwed things up big time. Last couple of days we've spent a lot of time together, doing stuff around the house and I've tried to be more attentive and generally more around...her reactions are neutral to slightly negative. Don't know what to do?

She's clearly confused but I don't want to give her too much space - I don't want to lose her again.

Hang on a minute...it takes two to tango! I think you have every right to feel angry, jealous and mistrustful...and I dont see that this is all your fault! If you caught her with another man and she has admitted having feelings for him...add that to the fact that she says her feelings for you have changed, then I think shes trying to tell you something here. Perhaps its her way of letting you down gently and not wanting to hurt you, but you are hurting already and as much as the truth will break your heart, better that then being given false hope. I'm sorry if this seems harsh, its not meant to be...

As GTTS suggests maybe some relationship counselling might help...I would also suggest you do give her some space even though youre frightened of losing her...if she has made her mind up that its over then no amount of you being around will stop that from happening, in fact its likely to hasten it.

I am so sorry, I understand what it feels like to lose someone that you love....do what you can to save your relationship but dont be blinded by your love.

Best of luck with it 🙂

NJ you may be right - I'm hoping that you are not, but logically it's a reasonable hypothesis.

Space is difficult. I would without question - but for the fact that HE is on the scene. I have no doubt he will NOT stay away. If I walk away and let myself be done unto I could never respect myself - I'd know that I could have fought but chose not too.

If she decides on her own that we are done, I have absolute no doubt that both she and I will regret the decision for the rest of out lives. She says she would like to remain friends - I'd like to think that is possible but I don't. I have a number of friends that are now single - great mates but I wouldn't wish them on any woman. Before we split up originally, she told me to go and at she didn't need me (only not as polite). When I did leave the reality was different and she begged me to come back. Can't help feeling this is a case of déjà vu.

If we do split I don't think I'm strong enough to remain friends. I'm praying she sees sense but terrified so won't until it is too late.

Hi There,

Sorry for the delay between posts,

As NJ has said you do need to give her space and allow her to decide how she will deal with all of this, if you push her too hard and don't give her space you could push her away to the extent that she won't look at you in the same way, she will look at you as the person who watches her every move and doesn't trust her.

I know it must be very difficult to trust he with what you have found out, but you feel confident that her and this chap are just friends and nothing has happened. I think I would feel the same as you and would ask that she didn't see this chap as knowing she has feelings for him. I would wonder if these feelings are what they seem though as they may just be an escape from the current situation.

I would still say that it would be a really good idea to try some relationship councilling to try and sort this all out as it will allow you to both talk and get everything out in the open.

GTTS

Thanks GTTS

I think you are all right - space is what she needs to decide but also think that I will lose her once she has it.

Funny, I'm no longer concerned about her "friend" he was a sympton of a slowly failing marriage - just neither of us saw it dying.

Said and done lots this last week or so. Lost over a stone (which is good - I think).

She told me on Tuesday that she thinks we should seperate. I was and am devastated, but there is nothing I can do - my whole future is in the hands of someone that isn't sure if they love me (in the right way). Powerlessness is humbling - I'd never realised how much before.

Decided on Tuesday night that the only thing I can do is distance myself until I am able to move out. I can't do anything about the situation but thought making myself unavailable may make her miss/want me. I was working from home yesterday and decided to go out for an early morning walk/coffee. Got a text whilst I was out saying she wanted a cuddle - I told her this wasn't a good idea and left it. When I got home, we ended up making love. Spent the rest of the day smiling thinking that things were getting better, only for her to tell me later that she still isn't sure - my world came crashing down.

I'm working abroad shortly and plan to move out when I return. I want to get away now but can't as my son is in the middle of his exams - being around seeing the woman I love and want but can't have, is torture. My only hope is that distance, space and absence will make her miss me - just not optimistic that it will.

Hi,

This must be very hard for you at the moment, It seems she wants to pick you up and drop you when it suits her.

Distancing yourself is good, but you need to follow through with this, if she asks for a cuddle don't allow it or she will realise she still calls the shots and will never get the chance to miss you.

I do think you need to show her you care though or she may get the wrong end of the stick and think you don't. Maybe before you go away you should have a talk and explain that although you care for her you can't go on the way things are and that whilst your away you won't make any contcat at all. When you get back you can talk again and see how she feels.

GTTS

How hurtful of her! It sounds to me that she playing you I'm afraid, and I think that the best thing you can do is what GTTS suggests and cut contact when you go away. By stepping back and being firm with her and not letting her call the shots you are allowing yourself some dignity... which although it might not seem important right now, will be in the bigger picture. I think if you maintain your dignity now and refuse to let her play around with your feelings anymore, she might just rediscover some of the respect she once had for your relationship, because at the moment she seems to have very little of that.

Thanks guys - I really need and appreciate the support.

I agree with the comments above. Get out and do things that you've always wanted to do, and have some real "me time". If she wants you back, it has got to be on terms that suit both of you equally.

I agree, she's far more likely to be attracted to someone who is getting on with things and shows strength in adversity. Perhaps she needs to see you the person, the man she first fell in love with, not you the husband who will put up with almost anything to keep her!

You want her to sit up and notice you again! By getting out there it will give your self esteem a boost. 🙂

I am still working away but had a long talk last night and we both realised the reason behind everything.

My wife has never forgiven me for hurting her (by leaving) the first time. Either she can't or won't but either way she hasn't and it has been poisoning our relationship ever since my return.

I'm not sure she will ever forgive me (neither is she) so I now realise that the only option is divorce and to try and get on with a new life. It's the last thing in the world I want but I can't see any other way.

Thanks for listening

No Problem it's why we are here.

if divorce is the only option then I urge you to try and do it as amicably as possible, the more you fight the harder it will be to become friends afterwards

GTTS

Gets more complicated.

Got a text the next morning saying she wanted to try. Home Friday big fight Friday night/Sat morning. 10 hour make up [censored] session - best of our 20+ year marriage.

She goes out to see some unknown friend in the evening and comes back colder. She goes out Sunday (fathers day) and things deteriorate - I move out.

Monday she is desperate for me to move back.

Tuesday we talk and under certain conditions I agree and move back.

Today (Wednesday) i bump into her at the barbers (i finish early and get a haircut and meet her and my son) she is a little cold and tells me she doesn't like being told what to do. She leaves and we speak on the phone. I explain that I'm
not telling her what to do, she can make her own choices, but some choices have consequences. Speak later and she is much more amicable ??????

You must be all over the place with these changing moods...is she going through the menopause?

I feel terribly sorry for your son caught in the middle of all of this, he must desperately want you both to sort it out and settle down. All of this chopping and changing will just be confusing and upsetting for him.

Thought about menopause - seemst he easiest explanation - but all the women in her family have one through it in the late 50's, she is 44.

Things got worse - when we agreed to try again one of the conditions was that she stop seeing her 'friend' for the time being. I thought we needed to concentrate on us and I didn't feel comfortable with him (however remotely) in the picture. She told me he was 'just a friend' so no problem - the next day I was working in London and found out that she'd been round to see him.

Sadly - instead of feeling hurt, I felt numb and didn't really care.

We've been trying to live as friends since then and its working reasonably well. We even went to the summer solstice together. When we talked I finally understood her - she made a huge point about not wanting to be told what to do (I never have done this). She wants to be able to do what she wants, whenever, with who ever... sounds like single life to me?? She thought that me putting a condition on our 'trying' was controlling and wanted to rebel.

I've tried to move on with my life - I don't want what she wants. I am still in love with her, but my head is in charge these days. I've been out the last few weekends and haven't come home. Interestingly she doesn't like me having the same freedoms and even thinks I'm trying to spite her. All I want is to move forward with my life.

I went out this weekend and bumped into a girl I knew 30 years ago. Seriously hot. We had a great night and I left before it went anywhere - I'm just not ready. Our mutual attraction was clear and it felt incredible to be 'wanted' - done my self-esteem a power of good. I'm pretty successful career-wise and people tell me good looking too - but I honestly don't see the latter at all.

I'm seeing her again this week - I can't stop thinking about her. My wife seems to be picking up on my attitiude change and seems more than curious; taking much more interest in me. At the same time, I have become more distant. In my mind, my marriage is beyond repair - even if she changed back to to wife I knew...how could I ever trust her again? Whenever she went out, I would always wonder, where and with who? and I'm not into keeping her 'imprisoned' at home.

I think that if things move on with my 'girlfriend' I will have to move out again - I can't see how this would work with me at home, even if I am living completely separately in the guest room.

Some women do have an early menopause, mine started at 40!....but my mother had hers later in her fifties, mine was due to ill health I think.

It sounds more like a mid-life crisis to me from the way you have described it...she's trying to grasp her youth again...perhaps its more that she's rebelling against old age rather than being told what to do! Lots of women have a very hard time dealing with the onslaught of age and the changes it brings....she may need the confirmation that she is still attractive to the opposite [censored]. As you mention the buzz you felt on meeting an old girl friend and the boost to your self esteem.

It sound to me like the gap between you is widening, if your wife gets an inkling of what is happening she may try and stop it by making promises about getting back together....exercise caution!

I must say though you sound more settled in your mind than you have done 🙂

Thanks NJ

Just noticed that someone has posted pics of my night out on FB. Already had 'loving' texts from my wife this morning??

I didn't get in till 11am yesterday - she was not happy (although she tried to hide it) went off to visit her 'friend' and when she came back was again more interested in me than 'normal'.

The self-esteem/male attraction thing, is on the money - she was overweight and didn't look after herself when we first split (although that had nothing to do with it). When I left, she shed 2 stone and become super-hot. She is incredibly attractive and has men flocking whenever she goes out. Clearly she loves the attention.
Funnily enough, since these problems - I have lost over a stone and she has put on weight...feels like as I've lost it, she has gained it.

I think in my heart, I know that the situation is not recoverable and so have started the painful process of moving on. My wife still seems unsure of what the [censored] she wants and so flits backwards and forwards. She doesn't want to make any decisions (I understand this) but by not putting me first, she albeit inadvertantly, already has.

My guess is that now I am less-available, I am more attractive to her. In hindsight, this would have been a great plan. My problem is that now I think it is too late; things have gone too far and my trust has been totally destroyed...and I've now met someone that likes me as is attracted to me, just for being me.

I sense you're ready to move on now, the pain is subsiding and bringing some much needed clarity. I can only wish you all the best as you move into a new phase in your life.