[Solved] Deflated (but starting to re-inflate)

Oh man that sounds awful. You must feel really let down.
You were looking for some resolution, a court enforced agreement and got nothing of the sort. It must feel like you're back to square one again. Whilst I understand why mediation is a great idea - there are times when an agreement isn't possible.

Personally I say rant away, vent as much as you want.......that's part of what this place is about.

Mate - you must be feeling cheated at the moment. Really sorry to hear that it didn't go as you expected it would.

What's next ?

Gooner

Oh man that sounds awful. You must feel really let down.
You were looking for some resolution, a court enforced agreement and got nothing of the sort. It must feel like you're back to square one again. Whilst I understand why mediation is a great idea - there are times when an agreement isn't possible.

Personally I say rant away, vent as much as you want.......that's part of what this place is about.

It sucks, We went to court back in July and it now feels like i've wasted so much time, we have been through mediation when we split and after 8 sessions we hadn't resolved anything so I stopped as at £150 a visit it was a waste of time, I'm now left with the same thing all over again, and the thing that smacks me the most is that because I'm not an addict or the like I don't count high enough for the judges help!!

Mate - you must be feeling cheated at the moment. Really sorry to hear that it didn't go as you expected it would.

What's next ?

Gooner

Well i'm left with no choice but to go to mediation, but I can't see it making any difference as she will not accept anything anyone tells her, like I said she even argued with the judge and caffcass that she had a right to know where "her" son was at all times.

I get the feeling she won't give up until I don't see him.

Have anyone else on here had to stop seeing thier children for the best to save them being put in possition of having to choose between seeing either perant?

I don't want my son at 8 yrs old to have to choose between upsetting his mum or up setting me it's not fair on him, but then I don't want to just walk away and not see him either, as I know that his head will be filled with....."Daddy didn't care enough to see you"

I don't know what to do next like I said feels like i'm wasting, my time fighting to get no where

Darren,

Don't give up mate. Access is the right of the child not the parent, so it's your sons right to have access to his dad. You're fighting for him not for yourself (I know this is easier said than done).

Go through the hoops, so that you are trying to get this resolved for the best - keep focused on where you are trying to get to. The last judge has just asked you to take a detour. Hang in there mate.

I reallt don't want to give up, but I have always had in the back of my head that I may need to for the sake of my son,

His mum is very controlling as is her mum, so I see the pattern, her mum made her dad's life a living [censored] so he walked away as he couldn't do right no matter what he did. If he called by and spent the day with her it was too much, if he stayed an hour or 2 it wasn't enough and my ex was poisened against him by her mum so much so that she didn't want to see him.

My ex already tells my son so much that an 8yr old shouldn't know and he talks to me about what's been said telling me about how mummy thinks this or that about what we do, and how she needs to know thing's. He wasa so worried before the first court visit that if I stopped off on the way to where we had said we were going he would ask if I should txt mummy to tell her.

He came to stay with me for 4 nights in the summer holidays and he was sent with a diary to fill out of what we did, he really didn't want to do it and again was worried about what mummy would say if he didn't as she had said he had to.

I'm not giving up yet but just need to keep an open mind to it as I don't think she will stop until that happens and I don't want him to have to choose between us, I would rather make that decision for him and allow him to be a child, and then just hope that in time when he is old enough he will want to see me.

Hi Darren,

That's awful - I think you have been badly let down by that last judge, and I don't blame you at all for what you're feeling, but giving up is not going to help, so don't consider it. Do you really believe that if you walk away that your ex is going to stop spreading the poison? Did your ex's mother? If you walk away, your son is going to feel abandoned and your ex will make sure he thinks it was solely your fault. The best thing you can do is have a good time with him when you see him so he can temporarily forget the conflict.

Oh man, this sounds horrific. The thing about him bringing a diary to document what you do together really breaks my heart. Writing things down to remember the good times with his dad is one thing, but writing them down to report back to mum is just sad. Bless your poor little guy.

I think the fact that you have considered walking away in order to protect your son just says how much you SHOULDN'T walk away. You obviously care deeply about your little boy and how all this is affecting him, and he needs a man in his life (ie, you) who loves and respects him that much - enough to protect him. He also needs to see just how fiercely his dad will fight to be a part of his life. Your dedication to him will do nothing but build his confidence and let him know he is worth fighting for.

My advice would be stick things out, and try to stay away from fighting dirty with your ex. You'll be a great example for your son if he sees you're not willing to stoop to name-calling, scare tactics, or back-biting.

He's lucky to have a dad like you. Well done.

Hi guys,

Thanks for your comments it's been a tough few weeks getting my head around the court visit.

I'm not about to walk away from him, not without a massive fight to stay part of his life, I just think I need to have a realistic view that actually at some point it may well end up in that being the only way to protect him and allow him to be a child.

Bit of an up-date,

We went to mediation, and actually managed to get some where, I have been having him from a Saturday morning through until a Sunday evening I pushed fro Friday night to Sunday evening but she just would not allow it, saying that I could only do that if I collected him from school. I work 8-6 Monday to Friday and would have to travel around 30 miles to collect so wasn't possible.

I spoke to my manager and they agreed to me starting at 7:30 each day so I could leave at 4 every other Friday meaning I could get to collect him at around 5PM this was agreed (and to be fair is no different than the time I would normally arrive at work anyway 😀 ) I sent her an eamil asking if we could arrange to go from Friday to Sunday on this basis, to which I was told "no it can be discussed at mediation in Feb) she had sent a letter to the court asking for our court date to be moved until after Feb to allow another mediation appointment to happen, Which if I thought she would be reasonable in I would have agreed to, however during the first one her bariers went up and she wouldn't allow overnight contact until it suited her saying she had plans (which turned out that she went food shopping)

I Was back in court yesterday which wasn't great 6 days before christmas, but there you go.

The judge was different again and started by saying that he didn't want to get involved as we were now in mediation and asked why we were back as my ex had written to the court asking for the case to be adjourned, I explained where we were and that I felt that we would be in a stale mate at mediation as my ex wouldn't back down over Friday noght contact, He then spoke to her and she gave her side, and some how managed to allow the judge to think that there had been a long break in contact between myself and my son.

The judge said he couldn't see any reason for me not having Friday night contact but that he didn't really want to set an order and that he would rather we sorted it all out between us, he then came back to me and I was then given the chance to explain that there had never been abreak in contact and that I had always seen my son on a weekly basis, so he then said due to that he really couldn't see any reason that it shouldn't go ahead but that again he didn't want to set an order.

What he did do though was to set out 2 weekends between now and the next mediation for Friday to Sunday contact saying that this would allow us to see how it went, ready for discusion in mediation, and then we would go back to court in another 2 months.

It's such small baby steps at the moment but at least it does feel like it's moving forward. My view is that in the next mediation she still won't agree to the Friday night as she mentioned in court that the only reason I was pushing for Friday night contact was as I knew that CSA payments would be reduced so I'm sure this is the reason she doesn't want to give in to it knowing she will recieve less money. So my hope is that if that is the case the judge will look at this at the next hearing and do something about it.

I won't lie, having to give her less money than I have over the past 2 1/2 years will be a good thing as I will actually have some money left to do things with my son instead of always having to say no, but that's never been the reason for any of this.

So there we are a small step forward but at least it's forward this time.

Excellent. As you say, small steps, but in the right direction.

It's worth giving a lot of consideration to her argument about the reduction in maintenance as she's obviously going to use that in court - I wouldn't go into too much detail as to the figures, as that will imply that you have been working out the financial implications, and you don't want to give the impression that it's important (though this is only my opinion) - concentrate on the fact that she originally said you could have this, and that she's the one who's backtracking because of the finances.

Throughout court I've kept it focused on seeing my son and him spending time with me and my family, I've never spoken about money and when she made the coment I didn't give any responce, The judge dissmissed it saying that finances weren't his concern and his only concern was our son and him being able to have a relationship with us both.

Throughout she has tried to throw dirt and make out she has had to push both me and our son into spending time together, the one thing i'm thankful of is that none of it has factored into anything the judge has said or decided.

Yep, I found that with my case - my ex tried to throw anything she could at me, but since there wasn't anything, the judges and Cafcass saw through the whole lot and she damaged her own case every time. Not retaliating in kind is actually very satisfying afterwards 🙂

my ex actuall started to loose her temper which I think helped me a lot

Hey mate

Just wanted to say good on ya for sticking at it, I know that you know it'll be worth it in the end but it can be hard on the way. If my dad had been as dedicated as you, my life might have been a lot different, so keep at it.

Well done mate and chin up