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well dadtalk members, the whole thing started when my little girl (8.5 months) got sick a few weeks ago. she was fine in the end...luckily my daughter's tough but my partner was also sick, as was i. anyway we had some lucozade, some ginger, i had a few brandies on the sly and we got better.
anyhow since then my partner's been getting really anxious about things. like today we went to a pre-xmas gathering with families we know but she was really anxious about our girl picking up germs. she's been getting really upset about the thought that our girl might get sick again, saying we're really isolated, that our child's so little and such a huge responsibility. i keep saying to her that some germs are good for a child, it makes them stronger blah blah. like on the bus today she almost freaked out when our girl touched the window. she said she doesn't wanna get freaked out but she's saying she can't help it.
i'm trying to be sympathetic (i mean i know a bit about depression / anxiety) but we're both knackered and my patience is wearing a bit thin. i also can't stand christmas obligations sometimes so stress levels can go up.
it seems late to be having post-natal depression now, but has anyone had any similar experience in their family? where could she go for support? i don't want to send her to the GP. she's kinda stubborn and proud and for her to go to the GP and admit she felt anxious or depressed, she would see this as a failure on her part. i also think a lot of GPs just put you on anti-depressants and don't offer other things.
any help or ideas really really appreciated. cheers
Hello Jc,sorry to hear things are a bit tough for you at the moment. My little boy came seven weeks early and we were in the hospital for five weeks,when we came home and for a good 6 months I suppose we were very paronoid-especially my wife,we would wash are hands before picking him up and were very fussy in general. If someone smoked my wife would cringe at the thought of them holding are little boy and would sometimes politely make some excuse.
I know it is not exactly what your going through but are situation just seemed to fizzle out and gradually we become less obssesive,hopefully this will be the case for you mate.
Hope things get better for you soon as im sure it will.
Hi J_C,
I have a few thoughts....
- It really REALLY helps when we get talking with other people who are in or have been in the same situations. However, I realise how it can be difficult in the early months to get new friendships going. I guess if I was posting this to your partner I would encourage her to start chatting to relatives, neighbours, people at church etc and gradually you can come across someone with a baby. Go have a coffee together in your house/theirs. They are equally anxious about their little one. My gut feeling is that by talking to another woman she can get the girlie talk listening that will let her feel 'heard'. I might suggest chatting on a web forum for Mums as a way of having virtual relationship while hunting down other Mums.
- It takes a real 'change of gears' to find the rythm of being at home with your little one being the whole centre of your world. Their needs can, at times, become all consuming. [Don't say this next bit to your partner: or more fool you!!] hormones are flying all over the place. That would leave anyone more likely to have unpredictable thoughts, responses, reactions and needs [a Mum's forum would be tearing me to shreds at this point]. By 'unpredictable' I mean that your partner is likely to be experiencing something that she feels she has no/little control over.
Okay. back to you!!
There are a few things that us men don't ever tell eachother or talk about.... So, here I go. What you have written about your reactions to your partner is very nomal. Thank you for bothering to write them down.
If I can share from my memories.... It is not nice feeling like you're not important any more!! And it gets boring always talking about nappy this, bottle that. As for 'what have you dressed her in, it doesn't match' - it just seems like a slap in the face when you've done something to help!
[censored]. No. There apparently is no energy or time for lovemaking. That definitely made me less forgiving and much less understanding of my wife's emotional ups and downs.
These things naturally change over time but it definitely helps when each of you are able to talk with others !!
Keep on posting
/Orange
thanks so much for the replies - really appreciated cheers. i guess my missus needs girlie talk after all. she's been speaking to her ma (who's a great wise woman) and i'm hoping that's been helping. talking to others definitely helps. none of my close mates have kids and they don't understand at all. we just don't fit into their lifestyles! i find it funny this whole making new friends thing. sometimes i'm like 'hey just because we are both dads, does that mean we'll get along?!'
definitely feeling better than when i first posted, thanks again.
Hi J_C,
Great to hear you feel better than you had previously.
What you say about meeting other Dads resonates with me. It takes a little extra effort to make the initial friendship ignite. The great thing is that you are very likely to have a lot in common: nappies, bottles, vomit, rattles, waking at night, giving extra support to Mum ..... And from those common things I found we got on with eachother, the deeper friendship were able to grow. I mean that I was able to trust him enough to talk through the occasional trouble.
Right now I hope you both get space to relax and feel refreshed over Christmas (even though its normally an exhausting time).
/orange
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