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Ex and I separated May 2011, 3 children: 4, 2 and 1 (separated whilst she was pregnant). We are good friends now that we're apart and we have a somewhat flexible approach to sharing childcare.
However, we do have very different expectations when it comes to the way we organise our lives with the children.
I am very regimented, I see having the children as akin to a small military operation. To that end, everything is planned and prepared in advance. I know what I am going to do and when. I am on-time for everything with or without the children. And on the rare occasion that I am going to be late, I phone or text ahead, well before I am due. The children are always well turned out, hair brushed, teeth cleaned and cleanly clothed.
In contrast, my ex has much more of a lassez-faire style, making her regularly late for things (often by only 10 minutes or so). Today, she arrived at my eldest two's dancing class 10 minutes late, with my youngest still in her pyjamas, covered in breakfast. Her car (large 7 seater) is full (and I mean full, like from the floor to the edge of seats) with clothes, left over Happy Meal boxes, fruit peelings, juice spillages, books, toys, rotting food etc. This means the car and any coats that are left in it, constantly smell. To be honest, I don't want my children growing up to think that is normal. Her house is better but still not great. She doesn't even own a working hoover or a broom. There are also occasions when I know the children haven't brushed their teeth or even been bathed for a couple of days. To be honest, I don't want my children growing up to think that is normal.
However, there is no telling the ex who believes that her way is right and everyone else is wrong. When she realises she is wrong, she sulks. Her friends agree with me (at least on the cleanliness issue) but never approach her about it. Now, I am the first to admit that I am a clean freak, but I accept when I have the children that it is simply not possible for them to remain spotless, I can deal with untidyness, but have draw the line when untidy becomes dirty.
I don't think it is unreasonable to expect my children to be dressed, cleaned and groomed before they leave the house. I also don't feel it's right that I have to apologize to people on her behalf when my children arrive late to things. If I can manage it, then why can't she? Before I raise this with her, am I right to interfere or do I have to accept that she runs her life differently?
Before I raise this with her, am I right to interfere or do I have to accept that she runs her life differently?
It would be difficult to change how another person lives. I am not as organised as some people, but I do try to do better. Its always good to help someone live a better life, but if you do it in the wrong way it will bring conflict.
I would see nothing wrong with not getting a bath/shower every day; many people have ezhma and being over clean makes it worse. My father used to get a bath once a week, does that make him a bad man?
Try to be constructive, have a think about how you could help, not just criticise.
I don't think it is unreasonable to expect my children to be dressed, cleaned and groomed before they leave the house. I also don't feel it's right that I have to apologize to people on her behalf when my children arrive late to things. If I can manage it, then why can't she? Before I raise this with her, am I right to interfere or do I have to accept that she runs her life differently?
Wow, ok - any conversation about this is not going to go well. I really think you'll have to accept that she runs her life differently. Would you like her to have a say in how you run your life? I'm not even sure how you would go about having the conversation. You may even find that she thinks your more regimented life -style (which I can identify with btw) is not the best approach.
You can't tell her how to live her life and it sounds like your kids are happy and healthy - then between your two lifestyles you must be doing something right.
I would concentrate on the fact that the two of you are friends and that you both share the care of the children which is brilliant. It sounds like both your ex and you live in two different kinds of ways - which is great for your kids to see, when they are older they will make their own judgements about what is 'normal' but as long as when they are older they know that they were loved by a great mum and dad then that is all that will matter.
I hope I haven't waffled too much and that this is of some use.
Gooner
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