Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Anyone knowing my history of events here will know that I’ve now been having regular contact with my little boy (6) for the past 2mths since the enforced order was re-enforced a few months ago.
I now have a dilemma / issue I don’t know how to approach without upsetting the involved parties.
My parents haven’t seen their grandchild for almost 18mths due to the sporadic contact I’ve been getting and the difficulties in arranging last min family get together’s over that time.
So finally having every Saturday with my little one and with him being very comfortable around me still I decided it would be good to have Granny & Granddad start to get involved in his life again.
So the other weekend I arranged for Granny & Granddad to meet up with us at a playzone for an hour or so to re-introduce themselves to him and for him to make a connection again.
On the way home in the car my son said that he couldn’t really remember them….which hurt…but that’s my ex’s doing and not his fault so I tried reminding him of things like the last Xmas (2011) that they saw him, the bike they got him and other events places we’d been, their dogs etc… he seemed to remember a few bits but not really surprised he didn’t really remember them.
So that was the other Saturday, this Saturday his mother’s mother (Nana) (who meets me to collect him/drop him off) says that he want’s to tell me something and then proceeds to say things that I’m now looking for a little advice on how to handle.
She says (and he nods and says similar) that he doesn’t want to see Granny & Granddad any time soon…..this is in response to me saying to him last week that they were so happy to see him that they hope to see more of him.
As it happens I’d not made plans to see them this week as they were away and also I didn’t want it to be every week until I’ve got more than the current 5.5hrs I get with him but was thinking every fortnight would be ok to re-introduce them again.
Now with him saying that and being upset about it I don’t really know how to get this back to resuming some form of regular contact with his grandparents and him again.
I know much of this is the ex not enforcing my parents/his grandparents in his life and I doubt she ever will but I have to accept her new fella’s parents seeing my son and so she should help remind our son he has another home and another set of grandparents etc… but I know she won’t and I’m forced to do this the hard way and be the bad guy for potentially upsetting my son and risking his trust in me.
I’m at a loss as to how to handle this one…….i know I should really be more forceful with my son but that’s not what he gets from his mother so I’m just battling her ways of controlling him with me.
Hi Dad-i-d,
I appreciate yoru dilema in that you do not want to betray any trust with your son. It is a tricky one and your ex hasnt done anything to help your son in the matter.
My only thought at the moment is can you have yoru parents "pop in" frequently for a short time during contact visits at yoru place and build on that?
I dont know how far apart you live or if it is possible.
I would also show pictures of any times with them and keep reminding him to jog his memory.
Sorry I am not much more help at present.
Regards,
Dave
Oh...something else...
Not sure the relationship with your ex's parents but maybe remind them that your son is entitled to know your parents and ask if they can assist in any way?
Dave
Cheers DaveR.
My parents and i live quite close (in same town) and within 30mins of the ex.
i've got the photos etc... for this weekend coming as wasn't expecting the ex's mother to come out with that but i suppose knowing how controlling the ex is i'm not surprised this has been mentioned.
it is simpy i've had such sporadic contact so far and now with the threat over her of prison should she break contact again i'm quietly confident things will improve as the months go by, i'm just very nervous about upsetting the little one.....he's my main concern and focus.....as far as i am concerned everyone else has to go with his pace and i include myself in that one.
i am disgusted that my ex managed to erase his grandparents on my side from his life....i know had i been a weaker person i would have suffered that same fate.
i've not a great relationship with her mother! (her dad isn't alive) i tolerate her as she does me.....she is just like the ex is....tries to control the handover/collection (I hate that phrase...but it is what it is i guess).
I will message her but know it'll be a load of [censored] that comes back....it always is!
Hi there
It's early days, I think it's a good idea to show him photos and to speak about them but try not to put too much emphasis on it. Perhaps arrange for them to meet you in the local park with the dogs, little steps like that. Maybe taking him on a shopping trip to buy Xmas presses from him for them and other members of your family. It will get him interacting with them....I don't think it will be an issue given a little time and patience.
For her mother to speak about your parents in that way in front of your son was wrong and perhaps you can request that in future this doesn't happen when your son is within earshot.
Cheers NJ and DaveR
I’ve got some bits together for this Saturday, photos and gifts they bought him for the last xmas they saw him.
I’ve spoken with dad about this and he understands (he shouldn’t have to but he does)…and together we’re going to try and arrange for “accidently” bumping in to granny n granddad in the coming months while they out walking their dogs and we on the park or going to the shops or they may pop in on us so we’ll see how that goes.
🙂
Its great your Dad understands.
I am sure your son will enjoy these happy coincidences and have fun.
Good luck Dad-i-d.......
Regards,
Dave
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.