Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Sorry if I have put this in the wrong place just after a bit of advice / support.
Last week we had the two boys for a full week, had a fab week and today had to take one home back to his mum and the other on a kids camp. I was upset at dropping our youngest off anyway as he didn't want to go back, they have 6 brothers/sister at their mums so barely get a look in. He came back out sobbing his little heart out cause he wanted to come home with us. We tried to be positive and encourage him back to his mum then went to take my other son to the school ready for kids camp....
When we got to school I checked his suitcase his mum had packed and it was awful, some of the clothes were dirty, his brothers jumpers and 2 pairs of socks - he's going for a week. I wanted to take him back home but he was really looking forward to it so we let him get on the bus. I spoke with one of the camp leaders and asked for further information, explaining that as he lives with his mum during the week and the school hadn't provided us with any information. We were also down as first contact as his mum is going away so need to know more about the camp in case we need to fetch him. I get handed a leaflet and take a look at the website on it for more info, the camp is for disadvantaged / under privileged children who would benefit from time away, may not get another holiday or time out for the parent/carers. This upset me because there is no way on this planet that my sons are disadvantaged / under privileged when they are with me and their stepmum, they are very loved and very well looked after. We both work and earn good wages and pay maintenance without fail for those boys. Their maintenance is clearly not going on them each month and we are so angry and upset. We know she doesn't care for them as well as we do and we have asked for them many times but all we get is 'It will affect my money'. But we didn't realise things were this bad at her end that the school has classed them as disadvantaged / under privileged children.
Sorry for the long post just so upset for them and angry at the school for not even contacting us about it even though we have been into the school and asked to be kept informed separately. Just do not know what to do next!
There are issues here and with 6 other children in the maternal home it's highly likely that the maintenance you pay is being spent on the family as a whole and not used for the sole benefit of your boys.
It's so distressing when you know they would be better off with you and want to stay with you but there's not a lot you can do to make that happen.
I know how it feels to see a child being classed as a child in need or disadvantaged because they are with a mother that doesn't put their needs first.
I think a stiff letter to the school is in order, they should be keeping you in the loop. As far as being disadvantaged, perhaps you need to tell the school that any shortcomings you should be contacted immediately, share your concerns about the children's living conditions and the fact that they are extremely unhappy with the present arrangements. Ask if there has been any noticeable changes in their attitude or school work. It might be good if you asked to go in and see the head teacher to talk the issues through.
Have you thought of agreeing the mother can keep all the benefits,/child benefits she gets for the boys....if she would let them live with you? It's definitely something I would give serious consideration to if I were in a position to do that. If you did then after a year you could make it official and then you could stop that arrangement....just a thought.
Thanks for your comments Nannyjane. We are planning to contact the school to arrange a visit with the head as this isn't the first time we have had to speak to the school regarding certain things that the boys mother has either neglected to tell me or has given me the watered down / her version of events. Also I am contacting as many official bodies as possible with regards to how they are taken care of while with her as we don't communicate well and any concerns I have result in her getting defensive which doesn't get anywhere.
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.