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Five years into our marriage, things have got to a pretty bad state and I am now stuck as to what to do.
I have made some pretty bad mistakes - debts, hiding debts from her, losing house (and her deposit), making both of us go bankrupt, losing my job, not telling her for 3 weeks, and not always supporting her or being there for her emotionally - so in one sense realize I deserve anything that comes my way BUT at the same time cannot see a way through the barrier of resentment and blame that has built up.
She thinks nothing of hitting me, throwing me out to sleep in the car (if she doesnt take the keys off me first) in all weathers, threatening to take my parents to court to get the money she lost with the house back (as I dont have it) ordering me about, telling me that I have forfeited all rights to a say in anything, and making out that everything that happens is my fault in some way (even things that she has done, she says she only did because of the situation I put her in).
A few weeks ago she gave me an ultimatum that I either get my parents to apologize to her, for some minor things they'd said to her or go. I refused as I felt it was inappropriate that she was demanding that when she'd said far worse in the same phone call and was continually expecting them to cough up financially. She then repeated the ultimatum in front of our 7 year old, explaining that she had asked daddy to just one thing to show how much he loved his family and he was refusing as he loved his parents more.
I stood my ground, so had to leave amid a flood of tears. Now she is accusing me of abandoning my family and not caring about the boys or her. She has now given me another ultimatum, come back having made all the changes that she has specified, or never see the boys again.
So, do I go back, accepting that I am forever going to be in her debt and therefore have to do whatever she demands, treat her lovingly at all times and never react in any way or blame her for any situation, regardless of how she treats me - in order to get to see the boys OR do I take her other option and divorce her, with all the risks of her putting a case to the courts that will stop me ever the boys again?
She basically is not shifting on anything, dismissing anything I say, because it is me that is saying it, completely refusing any thoughts of mediation and not listening to any external advice that does not back her position. I just feel trapped between two unworkable options - too guilty to really stand up to her, and knowing it will all come back tenfold, yet not strong enough to battle through the revenge and resentment to make a go of it, and not able to contemplate not seeing the boys.
What can I do? Do I take the kickings in the hope of being able to change into the 'normal' husband she wants, or am I justified in walking away from a situation I caused in the first place?
Hi there 🙂
... You know, I wish I could come up with some magical solution that would solve all your problems, but there are no quick fixes. This decision is yours and yours alone I'm afraid.
I can give you some advice about whether she can stop you seeing your child should you not go back though, and the simple answer to that is no she cant! You're "crimes" are all financial, and this is not a reason to deny you contact with your children. Theres no way a court would class you as an unfit father because you made some bad financial decisions.
From what you say, your position seems untenable...if you decide to go back you need to act to make change happen because it wont just get better on its own. In my opinion if you return you should both seek help and counselling and Relate would be your best bet. If she wont agree to this then I dont think she leaves you with much choice, because if you just roll over and take it all it will just get worse! Heres a link to the Relate website www.relate.org.uk
Your wife seems out of control, to use the children as a weapon in the way you describe is unacceptable, as is involving and blaming your parents and using physical violence against you. If you return under her terms then you are just affirming her behaviour....but the choice is yours. I think she may need help to get her past all this, but thats something that only she can do. Perhaps you could speak to her family, maybe they could talk to her about getting some help, her GP could refer her for counselling but she has to be willing!
If you decide to part ways there are steps you can take to secure contact with your child. If you are unemployed you are entitled to Legal Aid, however this stops on April 1st so you would need to go and see a solicitor ASAP so that they can start your Legal Aid application before the deadline. The first step would then be to offer her Mediation, if she refuses then the next step would be to apply to court for a defined Contact Order. As I said, theres absolutely no reason why you wouldnt be granted contact. If you are employed then you might think about representing yourself through the court process, theres plenty of help and information about this here and plenty of Dads that go down this route.
Heres a link to Mediation www.nfm.org.uk
quite simply despite your failings with regards to the house etc... what she is doing to you is classed as "DOMESTIC ABUSE"
had you done that to her you would have eventually been "hung out to dry" and made to pay by being prevented from seeing the kids etc...
this is DOMESTIC ABUSE.....do not tolerate it and get these events recorded with the police now! put it this way...if you don;t go back to her....you'll not be "allowed by her" to see your kids right? well....if you then decided to take legal action to get a contact order to see your kids she could very likely do what many others do......claim you were the abuser.
i'm harsh...i'm opinionated...i'm probably outspoken....but i'm probably also saying what others are thinking! but i am this way through the things my ex has put me through.
don't put up with blackmail and domestic abuse or domestic viloence.....it needs to stop before your kids witness it and see it as normal behaviour to do to their partners when they're older.
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