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I live 70 mile from my ex wife and 12 year old son. I live alone, Im in a relationship and moved here from our former home town for work (still in the same job) when our marriage broke down 7 years ago.
This past year, my sons behaviour towards his mother has has worsened and he get very angry and aggressive. This has led to lots of 'dad to the rescue' phone calls which have now reached epic proportion.
This weekend it culminated in her saying that I should move back to their home town so that I could "Play a bigger part in his life". Even if this is what I wanted then its not possible due to work / house etc.
I have a very good relationship with my Son. We speak by phone most days and he stays with me every other weekend. There are no behaviour issues when he is at my house.
Her calls and text messaging are getting more persistent and beginning to impact on my work.
I see all of this as just putting pressure on me as some sort of guilt punishment. I dont see why, as she ended the marriage. Her 5 year relationship with someone else has just ended and I believe this is behind her behaviour.
Any advice on how to deal with her without it impacting on my Son?
A very difficult one.....very complex and hard to comment on it. There's 4 people that this affects, you, your partner, your son and your ex.
I'd say the most important issue for you is to maintain a good relationship with your son.
Doesn't sound as though you need to do a lot of work to keep your father son relationship going. If your happy with the status quo then thats fine.
Would your ex be willing to increase access perhaps have entire holiday period with your son. This may take the pressure off the mother son relationship.
With her wanting you to move closer to her, is this the beginning of (in her mind) a potential re-kindling of your relationship. She can't end your relationship, go off with someone else for 5 years and then when that goes down the pan, expect you to "go running back to her"! She should be making the efforts here.
In my view, you've been dealt a good hand....don't waste it.
D23
With her wanting you to move closer to her, is this the beginning of (in her mind) a potential re-kindling of your relationship. She can't end your relationship, go off with someone else for 5 years and then when that goes down the pan, expect you to "go running back to her"! She should be making the efforts here.
I was thinking exactly the same thing 😆
The rescue phone calls are probably simply that your son is growing up and becoming a teenager, and your ex is finding it harder to cope, with the added problem (for her) that she is on her own again. It's all very well her expecting you to move back, but you have a job where you are, so it's completely unreasonable. Are you able and willing to have your son more often than alternative weekends, certainly for a period of time? If so, perhaps you could suggest this. Alternatively, speak to you son and give him incentives to make more of an effort with your ex - perhaps a holiday away with him periodically or something similar.
It does sound like a hard situation you find yourself in. You may find it helpful to think about why you think your sons behavior has worsened towards his Mum, if this is genuine. With his Mum's relationship having ended with her partner, he may well being going through some hurts & pains himself. How old is your son? If he's old enough to sit down & talk with you, you could try asking him how things are going at home. Really hope you are able to work things through! Let us know how it goes.
Thanks for the replies guys. I think you are right about (in her mind!) re-kindling our relationship as I know she has told me before that she felt breaking up was a mistake on her part. Im not worried about her but have my sons interests at heart. I'll see how it goes and try to see him more often. I know she wont object but time is an issue as he's getting older and doing more at clubs etc on weekends.
After re-reading your post I saw that you already stated your son was 12 yrs old. Sorry for missing that. I hope things start improving soon!
Hi Matt
It may be worth seeing if there are any clubs he is interested in near you so that he continues to have time with you as he gets older.
Hi Matt
Your son's anger and aggression could in part be down to his age, with the onset of puberty etc. I'm assuming your ex lived with her partner before they split and if your son was close to him, then this is yet another loss and a setback for him to cope with, at a difficult age (not that there's ever an easy age). 🙁 I presume this guy, your ex's ex-partner isn't intending to stay in touch with your son?
You have a great relationship with him though and are in regular contact, perhaps when you see him next you could, as springchicken has suggested, sit him down and have a chat, or go for a walk, in the car etc and really listen to what he is saying.
I hope things improve for you soon.
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