[Solved] Feeling Left Out

Hi mate,sorry to hear things are a bit strained for you. Hopefully if the anti-depressents are helping you might be able to put things into context a bit,I would think you need to start communicating with your wife soon before things really spiral out of control. It sounds a bit like your wife is being quite unreasonable for some reason,I hope you can sort it out and maybe another poster who's been through a similar thing will offer some sound advice.

Good luck pal.

I don't think it's unusual for the children to bond with their mother more at birth, and it's maternal instinct for the mother to put her children first. However, as an intelligent species, we have the ability to rationalise the extent of this, and both you and your wife are having trouble in this.

I would suggest that you contact Relate - you both need to get your feelings out, and having an independant person may be what you need - Prozac is, in my opinion, a short term fix only, not a long term solution.

Hi Happy Camper,
Firstly, a big Welcome to Dad Talk and thanks for posting.

You are clearly wanting to put your family first and have took action to get yourself counselling and support of antidepressants. Thanks for being so honest about your situation.
It really sounds like you are taking it on the chin right now.
Don't be hard on yourself. There can often be a regular 'misunderstanding' between a couple - even though you are both working towards the best for your family.
I can remember how I would get into a strop or feel poor little me when my middle son had been around for a while. It was as if I had coped with our first baby breast feeding but I think that with our second I felt a degree of 'here we go again, I'm not important again' (there goes my [censored] life I thought!!).
As for clingy, my toddlers were quick to go to Mum in preference to me. I've learnt that children are really good at picking on mood, for example: if I am cross with the cat and then pick up our little one to put him in his high char - he can be more likely to cry if he doesn't like the food I offer him. I guess I've found it helpful to not try to do too many things at the same time, thus being less stressed and being more able to concentrate on enjoying the playing, tickling, talking I do with LO. Perhaps its also worth chatting openly with your wife about your relationship with your daughter and son. Perhaps it will help if you are both intentional about gradually helping your daughter learn that she can cling to you too. It might be to start with some Dad-Daughter time: walk to the park, blowing/popping bubbles, feed the ducks, read her books, play with puzzles or things she needs you to help her with, so whatever it is that works for you.
It could also be that your wife might think about backing out a bit so your daughter can have a better opportunity to get happy cuddles and reassurance from you when she needs it. With talking to your wife in mind, I know it takes two to tango, but you can only change how you react and respond. Couples can have misunderstandings and different opinions. It definitely helps is one of you can try listening and trying to understand the other person (their needs, their worries, their frustrations ...). Maybe your wife would appreciate it if she picked up on you trying to listen. It could be that if she feels listened to she might not be as likely to think you are not interested. I don't know if you had considered counselling for you as a couple as a way to try helping your communication up and work things out a bit. Here is the Dad Talk helpful links for Counselling and Advice.

This has been rather a long reply and I hope some of it helps.

Do keep posting 🙂

Thanks for responses guys. All suggestions are welcome and am up for anything. My counsellor suggested relate and I am in the process of arranging an appointment for me to have a chat. I agree prozac is only a short term solution and my problem seems to be the relationship with the wife rather than any problems with the kids(thank god). I do dread the inevitable 'Big Chat' as Im not sure where it will lead. Hopefully it will clear the air and we can move on, just not confident it will be us together which is probably why Ive been putting it off. Think I'd better decide what I want first. I dont want the kids hurt and to be honest they are my priority, its just if dad need to take drugs for life its not going to be a happy family

In most cases depression is something that comes and goes so I doubt you will be on tablets for life and even if you are that doesn't make you any less of a good dad.

I have heard that CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) is having very good results in treating depression - in conjunction with tablets. It's basically a talking therapy where you examine the causes of your mood swings and try to change the thought processes that occur at these times. A close friend of mine has been through this and has come out the otherside - he still has down days but is able to deal with them now. He is very close to being off his medication after a period of reducing the dosage. Before he got help from his doctor he was in a place where he thought his family would be better off without him and spent vast periods of his time planning how to end his life. Most of us never realised he was going through this at the time as for obvious reasons didn't discuss this with us.
He has explained since that he felt very isolated and pushed out by his wife and children but that was partly caused by the way he was acting and his frame of mind. Trust me as a dad , no matter how you feel, you have a very important place in both your children's life. You daughter, for example, will use you as the yard stick by which she measures all men she meets in future. If you ever doubt how important a dad's relationship to his daughter is, have a look at this (I have a daughter and found it really interesting)

why do dads matter to daughters

The fact that you are getting help is a good step as most blokes who are going through this don't - I think relate is a really good move.

You obviously need to have the 'talk' and putting it off can be more destructive than having it. I hope the outcome is that it clears the air and that you move on. Try not to play the blame game - hopefully you will both be able to communicate what you both need from each other and how you can help each other.

Bringing up children as well as rewarding can be one of the most tiring things in the world and its easy for parents to not have time for each other and to become house mates rather than a couple. Communication is the key.

Good luck and keep us posted.