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A little over fours years ago I separated from my ex. I have 2 kids, a girl 8 and boy 5. My ex lives an hour away from where I live and an hour and half from where I work..(I’m going somewhere with this). She’s now married to the person she’s been with since we separated (who has no kids). I have my two kids Fri evening until Sunday evening every other weekend, and I see them the weekends in between, a fair amount of driving. I do all that I can in between to be there whenever I can.
Since separation I’ve been made redundant (got a job since), payed off a separation agreement that I sorted independent of any court order. I have an arrangement independent of the CSA which is better financially for my kids.
The thing is although I have regular contact with my kids as I believe I should in the back of mind I wonder how long I can practically keep this arrangement up. I have a number of concerns
1) At some point my ex has another child
2) I don’t get on with my ex, it’s purely a case of keeping up appearances. I find her very hard work
3) I don’t particularly respect my ex as a role model for my kids
4) Primarily I get anxious about the lack of control I have.
My kids don’t see there being any issues to my knowledge, it’s a routine they’re used to. In the back of my mind every time I drop my kids off I worry. I’d like to think they’d have the best opportunity in life with my ex, but I don’t. I think they would be better off with me. It’s this particular point that make’s me feel quite bitter.
If I’m honest I’ve considered the following –
Removing myself from the situation, in affect copping out, not of my responsibilities as a whole but to a point where I am in affect say using the CSA and looking at my own life more selfishly. I do not think my kids are hugely unhappy, although they’re not being brought up how I’d want them too.
I think really unless I lived around the corner, were I absolutely do not want to be is the only option that might work for me.
I worry when the kids get older the current arrangement is going to be irrelevant anyway.
I have a girlfriend who has an 8 year old daughter and they live near where I work. I feel that at some inevitable point my role with further diminish with my own kids. I kind of worry that I end up doing so much for the weekends with my kids that I’m not allowing enough breathing space for everyone. It’s all early days and I have a very awkward ex.
Would it be wrong for instance to go on holiday with my girlfriend and her daughter without my own kids?
hi Botham
I would advise that under no circumstances should you "remove yourself from the situation" - can you imagine what the effect that is going to have on your children. While I appreciate your position (I used to have a 6 hour round drive to seem my kids for 6 hours every alternate Sunday), apart from the fact that you children will feel abandoned, if you aren't too happy with the influence your ex has on your children, then you really need to be there to influence them in a positive way.
By all means, change the contact arrangements if necessary, but don't give up on your kids.
No it's a fair comment. I'd certainly never ever loose contact. Just frustrated now and again. I can see things developing differently over time putting things into perspective and I just guess time will tell. So one step at a time. I hope dont still have the long journey to deal with but if so its working well enough
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