[Solved] Gutted, upset, sick, can't cope

Arghhhh! Just wrote a long post and then deleted it! 😡 here goes again!

I agree it is unfair! The first step would be to talk to her about it. If you can't or she won't listen then you might like to consider Mediation. This is where you would both sit down with a trained Mediator and talk through all of the issues, and with the guidance of the Mediator hopefully reach an agreement. You could try and put in place an increasing timetable of contact to include overnight stays. If you were to take it to court, they would consider that 3 is an acceptable age to start overnight contact, especially as you have established a bond and contact has been regular and consistent. I think this is the angle you should approach this from. I would imagine neither of you want to go to court, much better to get it sorted out within a family based agreement. The court process can be emotionally draining and can cause the relationship between separated parents to breakdown further.

If Mediation fails then the next step would be to apply to the court for a defined Contact Order. You can do this without a solicitor as many Dads here have done. There is a fee of £200 to submit the C100 form, but if you are in receipt of benefits or on a low income you can get an exemption from these fees. To do that you would need form EX160a.

There are three stickys at the top of the Legal Eagle section, two are about self representing and the other is a guide to the C100 form with help on how to fill each section of the form in. You will also get plenty of advice and support here if you decide to go down this route.

Here's a link to the Mediation service

www.nfm.org.uk

Once again thank you nannyjane you help me alot.
I dropped my daughter off on friday at her mums whilst my ex new fella was there. I was polite to my ex and her son but did not get into conversation with her new fella just talked to my ex about our daughter. When I got home I had a text off my ex thanking me for being civil as she knows its hard. I told her its only hard as another man get to see my daughter overnight and take her away on holidays something my ex want let me do. My ex text back and said ok we can discuss overnight access.

All was good until this morning I found my ex had been away with her son and left her new fella looking after my daughter for 2 nights ( this breaks my heart for so many reasons) I don't know if my daughter is safe with him, he gets the contact I want and I worry my daughter will grow to love him more than me and think of him as her dad.

I don't want to go to court as I think it's better for my daughter we as parents remain civil but my ex and her antics are making it very hard, she has agreed to talk about overnight access soon though so hopefully im getting somewhere. It's just hurts so much that some fella has had my daughter overnight after a year of knowing her were i have begged my ex for nearly 3 years to have her and I never have been allowed.

Finally it's the constant fear that my daughter will not want to know me that's making me ill, I can't stop thinking what if she thinks this new fella is better than me and she decides se does not need me anymore. She tells me she misses me, she dances at the door when I pick her up, she tells me I'm her daddy and she is affectionate to me, where out all the time together at play centres, parks, zoos etc or cuddling watching tv. My concern is that as the new fella sees her overnight and can take her away I'm going to loose contact.

Regards very worried dad

Ps I asked about mediation a while ago on 3 occasions and each time she refused to comment on the subject, plus I'm to frightened to talk about her new fella having my daughter overnight because in the past when I have had issues she tells me I'm lucky with the contact I have and implies she can change it at anytime lie she has in the past. I used to see my daughter everyday until she decided I should see her 4 times a week for 4 hours and she is happy for it to o to court as she has legal aid

Oh Lee, please, please stop beating yourself up, your little girl will never transfer her affection to the other man, she loves you and you are, and always will be, the most important person in her life...There is a very special bond between fathers and daughters. We love our Mums but our Dads are special in a different way! Please trust me on this...I was the archetypal Daddys girl so I know! My Dad used to work away for months on end, it just made him all the more precious to me. 🙂

Its good that your ex is considering overnight contact, but it worries me that she uses it to control you, she may not want to loosen the grip she has.

I think that you asking her to attend Mediation, and the Mediator contacting her and asking her formally to attend are two different things....of course she would find it easy to refuse you, shes controlling you. If she gets a letter from the Mediator it might just make her think twice. Keeping you fearful is all part of the control, but she cant keep using your daughter in this way. If she fefuses the Mediator you will be issued with an FM1 which you will need if you have to go to court.

You say she has Legal Aid, how is that? Legal Aid for Family Law stopped in April, the only people eligible for LA are those that have been subjected to domestic violence.

Thanks once again for your reply your 1st paragraph is what I wish for. I work full time and have a well paid job obviously I pay her money by standing order into her account but not through the CSA. She works part time 2 days a week and knows when it comes to my daughter money is no object. I have paid off 26k of my ex's debts over the years. I told her we can go court anytime she likes she just laughed and said great it will cost you loads but because I work part time and claim benefits I get legal aid. That's all I know of the subject, I have never hit my ex and I never would, in fact I don't hit anyone ever 🙂

I'm afraid she is wrong...that was the case up until April 1st, but now she will have to do what most poor Dads have always had to do, that is self represent or pay thousands in solicitors fees! I wouldn't tell her about that, let her find out for herself when she swans into the solicitors! It rather levels that playing field for you doesnt it!

When you pay the standing order you should reference it as Child maintenance for (childs name), just to cover yourself. 🙂

Trust me Lee no one will every replace you in your little ones heart, you are her world and that will just deepen as she gets older 😉

Wow thanks again I never new that! That's great news that we are all on a level playing field now in regards fathers are not being penalised for being the providers. Thank you again you are brilliant nannyjane. 🙂

Im not usually this blunt but.....get her to court lee@amie1975.....

🙂 will give her the benefit of doubt as she has agreed to talk about overnight access but I won't be giving her the benefit of doubt much longer. That little bit of information is all I needed. Just so happy it's a level playing field now. Once she finds this information out for herself (I won't be telling her) she will be to afraid to go to court as she is already in debt and committing benefit fraud so I think I will get to see my daughter a lot more. I would report her for benefit fraud now but it would only mean my daughter missing out on things, I know that's wrong but for that reason I don't as I want my daughter to have the best.

Thanks for your reply its much appreciated.

.... with this new information you should feel more confident in your dealings with her, and next time she taunts you with going to court you can afford a smug smile to yourself! 😆 Oh I'd love to be a fly on the wall when she finds out! :woohoo:

And appologies if my comment appeared flippant.

Im writing my next statement for court so have my dander up....:-)

Dave

I dont think your post was flippant Dave 🙂 ...and I'm sure Lee agrees! 😉

Youre too nice Nanny Jane.... 🙂

Good luck Lee, wishing you success... 🙂

Hello sorry I have taken so long to reply im actually in work on 12 hour nights. You did not Offend me Dave I liked your remark it made me laugh and recently its only my beautiful daughter that can do that. Im just happy now as I had been worrying about access when my daughter starts pre-school as my ex warned me things will change. She is right they will but not how she expected.

For example im on nights this week i finish at 6am and get in from work about 6:30am im asleep for 7am then up at 8:15am as my ex insists if I want to see my daughter I have her from 9am to 1pm I do this every Monday, Wednesday and Friday but im also doing this tomorrow as I did not see her over the weekend as previously stated. I drop my beautiful princess of at pm then go to asleep and wake up at 4:30pm ready for work at 5:30pm. I ask to see my daughter 12 to 4 when im on nights but she very rarely accomodates me.

Its a shame there are a handful of spiteful women out there who put men through so much, just genuine man who are good fathers and would do anything for there children. Im lucky even though my hours are bad this week and next im well paid but as I wont be needing as much money for court costs I may even change my job lol.

Thanks for all yoour help and Nanny Jane you are great. Thankyou.

I think your ex is being totally unreasonable, and the rate you are going you will work yourself into an early grave!!!!

Getting an hour's sleep and then having your daughter is just not on, don't get me wrong, I know you love to have her but it is unreasonable that when you are on nights you have her that early!

Also I am afraid I think its not appropriate that she leaves your daughter with her boyfriend while she gallivants off for the weekend!!!

I appreciate that she has agreed to talk with you about overnight contact (hmmm....perhaps new fella doesn't want to do it any more, or she sees another benefit in it for herself!LOL!) but I would not leave it any longer than, say, a week, you have been controlled for too long, you need to take some back.

And Yes there is no legal aid any more, and to be honest if she is committing benefit fraud, I would do something about it! Sorry, that's me on m high horse! LOL!!

...I think that she will probably mess you around and make these unreasonable demands on you until you have a defined Contact Order in place.

Pretty soon your little sweetheart will be starting school and contact will have to change to fit in with that....I suggest that you start thinking about what you would like....perhaps every other weekend from Friday after school until Monday morning, when you can take her to school. One night a week, midweek too, and two weeks during the summer holidays so that you can take her on holiday, with access to her passport so that you can take her abroad. Extra days at Easter and shared christmas and birthdays too. The more detail you can get written into the order the better.

Not to put a “downer” on you but if you do end up going down the legal route for a defined contact order try and make sure you’re mentally prepared for “all [censored] to break loose” when she gets the court paperwork.
Typical reaction you hear about is for all contact to stop until the courts tell her to reinstate contact! I’m speaking from my own experience here.

My ex was messing me around, I’d had enough and decided a fixed legal agreement for contact would be best for us all….mainly to protect myself from being emotionally abused by her when she felt like stopping contact for a few weeks at a time like she used to do!
As soon as she got the paperwork through I got a rather abusive phone call….and then no contact with my little one until after the first court hearing….10wks! then just the one day before she started claiming DV and all other claims!

I’d suggest writing her a last chance letter…offer her a last chance at mediation…telling her if she refuses to try mediation then you'll have no other option but to take legal action against her for refusing to increase contact...........see where it gets you.

If you’ve a reasonable ex then you may find its enough to shock her into realising you have a right to see and be a part of your kids life.
if she’s not a reasonable ex then you’re likely in for a rough ride like many of us fathers here!

Good luck

I'm in a catch 22 situation. I see my daughter a minimum of 4 times a week for 4 hours. Quite often my ex lets me have my daughter an extra day for 4 hours or longer on the days I have her anyway. I know I get the extra days or extra hours as it suits her as I'm a free baby sitter. But my daughter is my world and I will have her every second of every day I can. Any opportunity I have to see my daughter I take. I like the idea of seeing her a minimum of 4 days a week but would also like overnight access and to be able to take her away for 2 weeks a year. When Nannyjane says I should ask for a night in the week access overnight and every other weekend overnight Friday to Monday would this be as well as seeing her on the Monday and Wednesday I usually do? I just don't want to be missing out on the amount of occasions I see her a week. I'm also worried If by taking her to court our relationship which is sort of amicable sort of strained will turn really sour and she will be really awkward with the amount of access I see my daughter. I'm worried if we go to court that she will stop me seeing her for up to 10 weeks until we have our hearing. I'm hoping as my daughter gets older she will mither her mum to see me and her mum will give in. Already my daughter says to me I want to stay with you daddy and can I sleep. I'm also a little concerned as I have a heart and my ex has a son who I was close to for 8 years. I know what my ex is like and if I take her to court instead of dealing with it herself she will tell her son who starts high school this year. I'm not bothered if my relationship with him suffers I just don't like the thought of him worrying about his mum going to court. On the other hand the fact she has never let me see my daughter overnight but last weekend let her new fella have her the Friday and Saturday night breaks my heart. But is being bitter and upset with the way in being treated reason to take her to court as it may backfire. I just want my daughter everyday or as often as possible.

...Its an awful dilemma you're in Lee and really no one can advise you how to go forward to get the best outcome...

The average and most usual contact that is granted is one weekend a fortnight plus a weekly midweek contact which can be just for 3 or four hours or overnight. Then extra time at Easter, two weeks in the summer and shared alternating christmas and birthdays. Thats not set in stone but its kind of a norm...

You are right about court it can, and often does, create further problems between the parents. But if the situation has got to the court stage there is already a breakdown occuring.

You are more knowledgeable about your options now, so if you are in doubt and are still not sure take a little more time to see if you cant work it out with her. Talk to her about how unfair it is that she sees fit to trust her BF with your daughter above you....try reasoning with her about it, ask her to imagine if it were the other way round and she were in your shoes, how she would feel. At the end of the day you see your daughter every other day more or less, if you can add a full weekend every fortnight to that, plus holidays that would be great I think. The point you make about your daughter as she gets older, calling the shots when she wants to stay with you, is also a fair assumption.

See how far you can take it trying to negotiate with her, if she continues to refuse and you're not getting anywhere there will come a point when you will lose patience and take it to the next step.

Best of luck Lee 🙂

Thanks Nannyjane for your help.
It looks like I'm going to be better off trying to keep the arrangements like they are but work on getting my daughter overnight for 1 night every weekend either the Friday or the Saturday.
That way I will maintain contact virtually every other day and also get the overnight contact I desire as I believe this all helps the bonding process. The weekend every fortnight and a few hours midweek would kill me as its what keeps me going knowing I'm going to see her every other day.
I think she let her new fella have my daughter overnight as she did not think I would find out (she does not know I know now) plus I think she is trying to force them to bond. We have mutual friends who are basically in my camp and they say she is constantly putting pictures in the Internet of my daughter with her new fella with captions such as "the bonding process" so perhaps letting him have her overnight is another attempt on her behalf to try to build a bond between then.
Sorry for the poor grammar I'm on my phone.

Maybe you should let her know you know! Do it in such a way that she doesn't become defensive....say that you can understand that she would want her BF to get on with your daughter and that you too just want your little girl to be happy and comfortable and have people around her that care for her...that you don't have a problem with that. Then you can say that as she feels safe leaving her with BF then she should also extend that courtesy to you...big up the advantages of quality time to spend with BF ....perhaps you could even offer to have the son too....just a thought!

I have told her I will have her son overnight whenever I have our daughter or anytime he would like to stay on his own.

Her new fella has a son also a year younger than her son so I think they enjoy playing happy families at the weekend

I would tell her I know he had my daughter overnight but it usually causes problems as last time I had issues with him putting photos of my daughter on the Internet I complained then she was awkward with times I seen my daughter and the amount off occasions for weeks.

I'm working so I have an excuse for being up. 🙂 I can't believe your awake so late.

...I couldn't sleep ;;)

This makes much more sense…..and scarily similar to mine and many others!

The ex is trying to promote her new fella above you….for no other reason than she wants to play the “Happy family” this way when people see them out together they’ll not ask why she’s missing one of the children!

My ex has forced her new fella in to my child's life and has continued to promote him over me at my expense just because I dared leave her!

This is nothing more than another form of control.

Thanks for the reply dad-I-d

I can usually cope with all my ex throws at me it's just theses nagging doubts that my daughter will one day decide she does not need me as her dad as she has this new man in her life. If she was older and we could sit and talk I think I would feel much better.

P.s sorry about the name change! Just had a terrible thought of a google search revealing my name and this conversation.

I think that is the biggest fear most of us fathers have when the ex’s behave the way they do and start shutting us out of our kids lives.
There seems a link between some stories where the ex’s get new partners and the preventing/stopping of your contact with your child starts.
It also seems the same when you find a new partner that this all starts up too.

Its like they can do what they want but you can’t!

It’s almost like they gave birth so they have the right to dictate to you what you can and can’t do, where you can and can’t take you child, who you’re allowed to interact with your child (new partners, family etc…)

As far as I can see it unless she calms down and relaxes you’ll get more restrictions placed on you by trying to be the reasonable one.

I have bent over backwards for my ex….just to get any time with my little one….i’ve jumped through every hoop she has put in front of me and over every hurdle she’s thrown at me in courts….all for the same thing to just spend any amount of time with my little one.

Even now 3 ½ yrs on from our split I’m still fighting for any time with our little one!
Every Contact Order granted to me by court has been broken….magistrates court orders, County Court orders, County Court Enforcement of Contact Orders….every one she has gone along with for a few weeks until she then reverts back to doing what she likes…..every time there are weeks and months before I see my little one again!
I’m now at the point of no return….Committal / transfer of residence is all that is left for the courts.

I'm so sorry to hear you are treated so unfairly dad-I-d!

Fortunately for me I'm seeing my daughter virtually every other day for 4 hours and I know how much pain that causes me as i want to have her 24/7.

I respect and admire you, your courage and heart for all you have been through.

Good luck.

Hi Just Me

If your ex's new partner is putting up photos of your daughter on the net, you can disagree with it, you have that right!

As I said, I do appreciate you don't want to put your contact with your daughter at risk, but at the end of the day, you cant be ridden roughshod over either!

Of course it is your decision what you decide to do, but there must be a nice way it could be done that she has to listen to?

Hi JM 🙂

Consign those nagging doubts to the bin please! Your little princess will never decide she doesnt need you anymore, and she will never replace you... In fact, as she gets older she's likely to decide its Daddy she wants to live with!

Dont let anyone push you into doing anything you're not totally comfortable with....I sense your gut feeling tells you to keep chipping away for now, that called intuition and I'm a firm believer in listening to that! 😉

I also sense that you are playing the long game here...no knee [censored] reactions! It really helps to talk things through and we all need reassurance, I feel you've found that here.

Good call by the way JM, changing your name! 😉

Hi JM

I'm a bit late to this conversation - one thing I would do (and forgive me if this was already advised and I missed it) is to keep an accurate diary of all contact you have (times, dates etc) - if you do go to court, the courts generally don't reduce contact unless there is a good reason, so you would have some hope of at least coming out with a defined contact order for what you already have, and possibly more.

Thank you once again for your great advice NannyJane.

I think you know me as well as I know myself because you have hit the nail on the head. I believe gradually chipping away is the best way forward and I do think every move through.

Your also correct in saying I have found great help and comfort from this site (And to be honest mainly you and your words of wisdom) Its a shame i dont have your address so I could send a bouquet of flowers as once again you have helped me alot.

I think I have needed advice on 3 occasions and each time you have come forward so thank you very much.

Hello actd thank you for your advice also. Fortunately I had been informed from the moment my daughters mum and myself split up to keep a diary, so for the last 2 years I have kept a dairy of the days I have my daughter, the times I pick her up and drop her off, where we have been and who we have seen and as any proud dad does I take thousands of pictures of my little princess as they grow up so quickly.

I keep all text messages and e-mails and I also write down every conversation I have with my ex including the date and time acurately when its a conversation about holidays, overnight acces etc.

Thank you all for your help.

I dont need flowers JM. but that was a lovely thought and made me smile! :kiss: ...just knowing I have been able to help is more than enough. Bless you 🙂