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Hi, this is my first time posting on any forum.
My circumstances are that I split with my ex wife around five years ago leaving three children (now 11, 9 and 6). I initially had the kids stay with me one night over the weekend at my flat but when I moved in with my new girlfriend things became difficult with me and my ex. She became very stubborn dictating where I could take the children and that they could not see my girlfriend. As we weren't divorced and I was looking for an amicable (quick and cheap) divorce I reluctantly went along with this to keep the peace. When the divorce came through I pushed boundaries in order to get more of what I wanted but this then had a detrimental effect on my current relationship. "You do everything she wants" was a frequent phrase.
So now four years later I still live with my girlfriend and the kids stay over once a week. But the wounds from the past are still there.
My girlfriend is now pregnant. This was planned and should be a time where we both pull together and enjoy the coming months preparing for the birth of OUR first child however there seems to be resentment on both parts. She doesn't like the fact that I've been through this experience three times before albeit not with her. I counter this with the fact that this experience is completely new to me.
She thinks I don't care about this child because of the others when the reality is I can't wait but am overwhelmed with guilt in relation to my first three. I don't want them to think that they weren't good enough and I've substituted them for another. In fact my kids are becoming a real bone of contention between my girlfriend and I. A subject I feel that will only get more volatile when the new baby is born.
Things just seem to be going from bad to worse at the moment. I don't know when and how to tell my kids about their new brother/ sister. The usual issues of finances, living space etc are apparent but the worst thing is that my girlfriend and I are at each others throats constantly. I accept that she is hormonal, scared, angry, aloof, distant, emotional and all the other traits that come with pregnancy but the difficulty lies in seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. If I'm being honest I'm struggling to see it.
Hi Boggle00,
Congratulations on the expected baby, your right and you should be able to feel happy without guilt over the new baby, but then you are also going to feel some too.
I would imagine that your children won't think they were't good enough at all and will actually be excited at the idea of having another baby brother or sister.
With regards to your relationship with your girlfriend, have you considered relate or relationship guidence? people only tend to look at this option to save a relationship when things have gotten to the stage of breaking up, but it is a good way of building a relationship stronger. The councilor would allow you both to talk without things getting heated so you are able to be calm and explain all the things that bother you and how you feel.
Darren
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