[Solved] in a seriously bad place

Hi there

....you are obviously very upset about what has happened and things sound as if they've got out of hand. As you say, you are suffering from depression, and that alone will make it difficult for you to see things clearly.

Try to concentrate your thoughts on your two children, who need their Daddy to be strong for them...if they could tell you what they want, what do you think that would be? I think it would be to have their Daddy well and happy and working hard to give them a good life. It will serve no good purpose to think about what your ex is doing, the only thing that worries me about this is the safety of your children ...that is what you need to be thinking about ....not your ex lying to you about going out and drinking. If your ex is going off the rails, all the more reason for you to get yourself better, so that you will be in a position to step in and look after them if things with your ex get worse.

How about going to see your GP and getting some help, maybe a referral to a counsellor to help you through this dark time, because there is light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to want to find it.

It sounds to me though that you still care for your wife, have you thought of marriage guidance, Relate or some other form of counselling? Maybe you made the mistake of not talking to her before, but is it really too late to rebuild your relationship? Show her how much your family means to you by getting your act together and being the strong one. You could try Mediation, that will give you both the opportunity to talk things through in a calm and controlled enviroment, with a trained Mediator to help you both...

Try not to dwell too much on the things you cant change, but on the things you can do, to make your life and the lives of your babies better.

What about your parents, can they help you through this low period?...It always helps to talk things through....At the end of the day though, theres only one person that can turn things around and that person is you...

Hi There,

NJ is right you need to talk, that doesn't need to be to a trained proffesional (though that would be good) you need to open up and allow all of the pent up emotions and anger to come out, its the anger and emotions that are making you feel how you are and your ex acting as she is, is just giving you a funnel to channel it out.

going to the doctors would be a good place to start but I know this can be hard to do as it feels like your admiting that you can't cope, but it's ok to ask for help and the doctors understand how hard things can be and are ready and willing to help you though this.

As NJ says your children need you to be a dad to them and that needs to be your focus for now and not what your ex is doing.

if you don't feel you can go to the doctors then keep talking here and we will keep chatting, we also have links to some support that may help.

Darren

Hi Karl,

How are you doing this morning? I would echo what the other members have said so far:

It is normal when a relationship breaks down to feel extremely low - Please go and have a chat with your GP. Nannyjane has given some brilliant suggestions.

Gooner

HI Karl,

You are not alone, and thank you for reaching out.

Let us know how you're doing this morning.

I echo everyone else words, and would also advise you to focus on your 2 beautiful children. They still need their dad.

hi guys

im doing bad today

i already have no access to kids sa wife had me arrested previously for attacking me! today she attacked me again. i have marks on my arms and my face. i am already in contact with the GP and receiving counselling but this is going to move further into me never seeing my kids again

im hurt because i try so hard to help her and do the right thing to help her mental health but the last three months i have been controlled whilst trying to see my kids, its been hrad but its always been her shot. i have no independance no confidence and im still in the same place.

i do want to crawl into a hole but i know my kids will need me somewhen, i just hope the dreaded inlaws dont f*** this up for me.

i love my children, and i love my ex i cant let go off her.

i worked to hard to get where we are now and i have to stop it. i dont want to be in another relationship but financially im in no position to be a dad or even look after myself.

thank you guys but i really dont know what else to do anymore

Hey Karl,

Thanks for coming back.

It's great news that you are receiving counselling - give it time, you sound like you have gone through a lot and are still dealing with a great deal. That would knock anyone for six, the fact that you're here and talking about it shows a real inner strength.

You need to concentrate on the fact that you have

2 beautiful children, a 2 year old boy and 6 month old girl

- however down you get (or angry for that matter) think about them. The only thing that will matter to them is that you are involved in their life (no matter how much or little).

You said in your first message that you get to spend time with your kids 2 hours a week (supervised) but in your last message you said you have no access - has the situation changed then ?

Keep in touch.

Gooner

Hi Karl....

We want to help you, and the fact that you have come here to share your problems is a sign that you are trying to do something about how you're feeling. Right now you're full of pain but it will get easier, you just have to give yourself time.

It might be a good idea for you to take a break from your ex, just to give yourself some breathing space...It seems from what you're saying that you and your ex are caught up in this circle of violence and recrimination and it needs to stop, for both your sakes. You need a rest from the chaos, to recharge and get back on track.

Are you eating and getting enough sleep Karl, its important that you don't neglect these basics, you need to build yourself up both physically and mentally.

You came here because you're a Dad, and thats a really important thing to be....dont ever forget just how important you are to those two babies of yours and how much they need you, Although you cant see it right now you have such a lot to look forward to...

i can only look forward to it if she actually talks and arranges me being able to see them, no i dont have any contact now as she has gone off the rails and is denying me anything.

its one of those scenarios where i dont want to pay maintenance because she is blowing it on getting drunk and her self yet i do because i love the kids and need to give them what they need. BUt my money is being squandered. it hurts.

i have spent two days tryying to sort things so we can offer the kids the best of both worlds but she wont work with me, sorry to be childish but mummy and daddy have been told the wrong things and are now protecting her..... from what im not sure!

i do appreciate your advice and yes im sure time will help but as you understand right now its hard to see it and hard to focus.

she has removed all contact points except phone so i can only ring or text but she either hangs up or doesnt reply.

why is it that no one ever listens to dads? why does no one help us? why does the system only fight for women? she is receiving domestic violence support for beating me up!!! how is that fair??

Hi Karl,

You need to keep paying maintenance. The truth is that you have no say in how the mother decides to spend the money. Why not check out our articles regarding maintenance :
Child Maintenance Options
child support - maintenance

It may be worth having a look a this article as well about Communicating with your child's mother The advice might be helpful.

Keep talking to us.

Gooner

Hi Karl

....Its good to hear from you, and youre right, as I've said in previous posts, the system is biased against Dads... and it is unfair! You're not alone, as there are plenty of Dads here that have felt exactly as you do...but there are also Dads here that can tell you to hang on in there, because with hard work and the right kind of attitude, they've managed to turn things round...but it all takes time!

Its good that you are still paying maintainance, and again you are not alone in feeling hurt when your hard earned cash isnt going where you would like it to. Its to your credit that you can rise above it and continue to support your children financially. Keep it up, as in the future it will allow the professionals to see that you are a responsible Dad who only wants the best for your children.

I'm sorry to hear that your ex isnt ready to work with you yet, but as I said before, this situation needs some time and a bit of distance between you both, just let the dust settle, as your emotions are running high at the moment, but this will calm down. As a Mum of grown up children, I'm still their first port of call when they have problems and I will defend and support them totally....even when they're in the wrong! So try to understand that her parents are just protecting their little girl at the moment...just as you will when your little girl grows up and needs your help.

I completely understand how hard it is for you right now, and yet you're here and you're talking and that is a step in the right direction...its one step at a time, but you can get through it.

Although it feels like it right now, you are not alone, there are Dads on here that have walked the same road that you are on now, you can come here any time and let off steam, ask for advice and get help to move forward.

Morning Karl.

Right. You're not going to sink any further. You are going to be a winner! I am NEVER wrong! 22 years of working with people. I've read your posts - they're a little confusing as you say she lied, but you did too.
First of all. Accept guilt for what you have done wrong. Guilt is based on those are things that you would prefer other people not to know. Regardless of how you were provoked or why you did them. They're still wrong.
The only way from here then is up!! definitely.
Your children as has been said need you. But equally, you need you. You cannot enjoy being this person.
Talk to your doctor - if you don't like the first one you see. See another.
Accept that you and your ex are seperated. Often it's a fear of not being with them than a preference to actually be with them that is the foundation for the perceived loss. She sounds a nightmare and the only benefit that I can see to your being together is familiarity. I work with lots of people who are made redundant. The shock at first is unbelievable for these guys. But in time they realise that actually they didn't enjoy the job anyway, would have left immediately if they'd won the lottery and without exception (22 years experience here) have ALL gone on to do something that they love. People stay because they fear loss of status, income, isolation. When forced to face this, they grieve and then they fight - they find something they wish they'd done years ago and look back thinking redundancy is the best thing that has heppened to them. Relationships are no different.
You are clearly not happy with her but you're clinging on. What if you are missing the most wonderful person in the world just by staying with her.
So, take stock. You're clearly good at being honest with yourself - fab - people struggle with this. Look at what you like about yourself and what you don't and how you can change the latter - in small doses here - don't run.
Now, having looked at why you stayed with her, look at why you wouldn't have stayed with her. Let this be the foundation of your new you.
Do something. Anything. Don't dwell. Exercise is the worlds greatest anti-deppresant and distracting.
Allow yourself a moping time each day - and reduce it until you can't even concetrate on the problem becasue your mind is full of all the good things that are going on. The rest of the time you need to be focussed on how you're going to be a sensational person and a sensational dad. You're halfway there already because you want to be.
Keep your dignity and your temper - shout at a friend - or the dad's forum instead of her - no matter how wild she makes you.
Do ONE new thing each week that you have NEVER done before - regardless of how poncey you thought it - listen to opera, read a poem, climb a hill, try a food you've never tried, borrow a dog and walk it - amazing how many people you meet. Get a list going. Becasue we broke up i did this that I would never have done. I have a similar list and if I ever feel a low moment I look at it and wha-hoo - get me - I'm actually fab!
Maintain your calm. Apologise to her - sincerley for being a prat with your lies. Not in an attempt to win her back but to wipe the slate clean for you, but you are going to show her what she is missing and find yourself at the same time. Dignity is the root. She will want you back but you will not want to go back. You will ALWAYS be able to look yourself and your children in the eye and say, yup I was a bit of a git, but I looked at myself and decided that that isn't me so I changed and brought out the good bits. Always (even through titghtly gritted teeth) reply to texts and emails nicely. Poison begets poison. If you're being horrible to her she'll be horrible back. If you write nice things, you feel nice. Write horrible things, you feel horrible things. It takes a little time to get the rewards, and you need to be very disciplined. Your friends will respect you, your family will respect you, your children will respect you, but most of all YOU will respect you. Deep breaths, come on - it's the start of the rest of your life. Like my redundant guys - the decision has been made for you - and for the first time you are free to be who you want and do what you want. How can your children not love you for that. And before you know it, you'll be stumbling on a life you never knew was there - and who knows, a new lady who is as grubby or issue-laden as your last who is going to love you because you're gorgeous - in and out. How many people would swap with you for the chance to have a totally fresh start at being Karl.
Go for it! Right behind you.
I know. One - I'm experienced, two - I'm no spring chicken and three - I'm female and a parent.
Shout yee-ha and go be new
xx

Wow - what great advice. :cheer:

I'm loving the positivity and you make a lot of sense elvis.

Simply AWESOME post , Elvis 🙂

im exceptionally greatful for that post but unfortunately it doesnt help

i have found out after receinging abuse from my ex mother in law that ultiple lies have been told putting me in a place were i may never see my kids again and you know what i cant physically deal with that! after everything i have been through and put up with her why should she be the one to get the best thing that ever came into my life? why should she experience the joys of them growing up and growing into beautiful people and i never see that because she liecdd cause she was angry? what justifys any of this

im at breaking point and hate to say but am not revceiving any help any more. nothing is working and yes right now i do feel like perhaps this world is better off without me, cause right now there is nothing giving me any reason to feel any different

Karl,
you need some perspective. If you can look in the mirror and know that the lies are just that, lies; if you can say to yourself that you are doing the best you can for your kids, even if you can't see them right now. Don't give up, just don't. You keep trying. Have faith in your wee ones. If you have a record of the efforts youve made to get in touch then one day, maybe not soon but someday, have faith that the kids will know you never gave up on them and they will love you for that. I have nothing but admiration for you mate; take a step back, and knock things down one at a time. Sort yourself out first; it'll give you strength to fight for your kids.

I'm obviously no expert, I just know that your head must feel like a skip full of rubbish right now; time to step back, step back. Take the rubbish out and start again. I like this site as its a chance for a perspective from people removed from your own specific situation. What part of the country are you from mate, just out of interest?

Come on Karl, you mustn't talk yourself down like this.

Who has said you wont ever see your kids again...the social services, the court...or is it your ex mum in law?

Do you think that the authorities just take someones word for it when making important decisions about whats best for children? Well take my word for it, they dont! The courts want both parents to be in their childrens lives, and if a parent has problems, then they can arrange for supervised visits at one of their family centres... thats not a permanent situation either, when they see that the children feel safe and secure in a parents company, they will start to allow unsupervised visits, and then home visits.... you mustn't believe its all over, far from it!

If your children are the best things in your life and you want to see them grow into beautiful people then prove it Karl....get some help, go back and see your counsellor and stop giving up!

You say the world would be better off without you, and there is nothing giving you any reason to feel any different... You are so wrong about that....you have two beautiful kids that need you, they truly do, and as they grow up they will need you even more...Please dont think about leaving a Daddy shaped hole in their lives because they will never be able to fill it.

Fight for them Karl, get yourself back on track and fight for them....They will only have one Daddy and thats you, too late to back out now. One day when they're older, you will be able to tell them that through the bad times your love for them carried you through and nothing and nobody could stand in the way of you being there for them... and they will look into your eyes and know that it is true, and they will be so proud of you for not giving in....if you give in now you are giving up on them too.

while i understand that - my son barely knows who i am anymore, and his mother is only filling his head with nonsense. my wife has said that i am violent agressive and have hurt her and the kids, yes we have had altecations but i spent a year being beaten, and yes recently i retaliated. i shouldnt have and i know but i did. but since she made the call i now dont get believed by anyone

guys i appreciate that you admire me i do i really do and yes its f**king hard it really is!!!!

im from guildford in surrey btw.

i supposed my biggest worry is my ex finding a new partner and because i dont see much of the kids him being viewed as better than me and being called the one thing they call me. 'dada' and yes i sit here crying writing this, im not ashamed of it but its the only way of deling with it

Get it out there pal! They will only ever have one Dad - you. As I and others have said, get your own stuff sorted out, then that will give you the strength to do everything you can for your kids. Chances are your ex will meet someone else, so what? Might bring some stability for her which might have a knock-on benefit for you and the kids. You will meet someone else too mate! Its going to be a long road for you, so start walking. Look at what you can sort first, then move on, one step at a time.

i kno i appreciate that i just have it stuck in this circle that we were meant to be and that we would spend our lives together. and i guess cause i feel like that it angers and upsets me that right now she might love someone else.

...Tears are good Karl, and ranting and all that stuff....let it out and stop torturing yourself with the stuff you have absolutely no control over.
There is no point thinking about what ifs...what if she meets someone else, what if they call him dada.... these things havent happened yet, and if you get yourself up and running again, I can predict that at least one of those what ifs wont happen, your kids will only call one man dada, and that man is you.

Prove them wrong Karl, and just think how much it would get up your in-laws nose if you turned it all around and got contact rights with your kids, let that thought drive you forward.

what she says Karl!!!!

thank you everything is appreciated

just to put it in perspective for you all, its 0252 and im sat here not sleeping cause all i can think about is the problems we have had, the problems that could have been avoided and the simple fact that something so good has been wasted over really little things that could have been avoided. i pine for my kids i pine for my wife and all i want is to turn the clock bag hug her tell her i love her and that she is my world and erase the mistakes. i would literally give up everything to be curled up in my marital bed next to her knowing that when i open my eyes in the morning she is there and in the room next to us are our children. just to know that i had made the right choice two and half years ago when i said i do, when i told her i could see the head in the hospital, when i told her that through all our troubles everything would be ok and that we would work through it and come out stronger as a couple.

i just wish there was that magic button, she was meant for me and i have blown it and i hate myself for it, i truly detest everything i am.

i know your all trying to help and im not just whining this just feels like somewhere i can write my thoughts and share with someone who might or does understand. someone that can make it better, or maybe the vain hope that she knows i use this forum, reads this thread and realises just how much i care and that i truly am sorry. im sorry for talking to other women when i needed comfort im sorry for not communicating my emotions and discussing that i dont feel close and im sorry that i lost my temper at times when i should have kept it. you have meant the world to me and now my world is falling around without you in it.

i love you lisa barrow forever and always

Hi Karl,
you sound like my brother did 4 years ago, he split with his wife and 3 very young children, he was in a very dark place and he would phone me at 3am crying and distraught and threatened to kill himself , he said his life was over. I am going to ask him to join this sight so he can talk to you as he will know how desperate you feel. His story is the same as yours, his now ex use to hit him and one day he hit back, and yes she then turned it around and used it againts him and became the battered wife. She used the kids as weopens the youngest only a few months old, she stopped access did what your wife is doing. He also felt like you, he just loved her he wanted to be with her and his kids he would have put up with her moods her temper her jealousy, she was even jealous of me, Im his sister he had my number under a mans name a work mate , for goodness sake that was sad. I would sit for hours talking to my bro, I phoned the rest of the family to rally round, I lived 200 miles away, I was helpless all i could do was listen and be there, I was terrified he would do something stupid. Karl you will look back, it will take time and you will wonder why you let the relationship go on for so long. You now need to focus on you , just for a while, have you got family, friends. I got my bro to join a site it was one for parents and they used to meet up in different areas, it wasnt a date site but a lot of people did end up together. My bro being one of them. He didnt see his kids for 18 months he then took her to court he did it himself and he then got contact, it was at first in a contact centre as the mum was still saying she couldnt trust him, then she got fed up of hanging around for two hours so he was then allowed to pick them up. He is now HAPPY , he is with a lovely women and has his kids alt weekends. His biggest regret is he let her win for 18 months, she used his raw emotion to keep him from his family . Karl you are heart broken and yes cry its good to cry but it will get better but it takes time. Concentrate on you, you have had some great advise on here., , you are grieving and its a horrid desperate feeling but when the pain goes and it will, then you have to get strong and concentrate on a new life with you and your children and maybe a new lady one day.

im not just whining this just feels like somewhere i can write my thoughts and share with someone who might or does understand.

You're not whining - you're venting, this is healthy - feel free to share your thoughts whenever. Better to vent here than bottle it up.