Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Hi all I'm new to this forum and it's my first post so I'll apologise for the length of it now.
My partner of ten years and I are in the early stages of splitting, it's not like I wasn't expecting it or anything I may be an emotional dwarf but I'm not blind/stupid and have seen it coming for about a year now or at least confirmed since xmas (when you're laying in bed listening to your partner run you down to her sister while she's drunk it makes it kind of obvious).My problem is that I now realise just how lost/hurt/angry I am.
I'll be the first to admit I'm a hard person to live with,I retreat into myself when I'm confronted with anything emotional and no matter how much I may have tried to change that I just can't and if I try I just feel uncomfortable and stupid I think it's all down to my childhood (my parents split when I was seven and I withdrew into myself emotionaly).
Now a little background as to how I got to my current state.My partner and I have three young children together,we met on the internet ten years ago and when I first saw her I knew she was the last person I'd ever want to be with or love.She has her imperfections like all of us but since the death of her Mother four years ago she has got worse.
As you'd expect her Mothers death hit her hard she spiraled into a fit of depression (at one point she was self harming) and started drinking she's now an alcoholic.She also seems to be be bipolar (I'm no expert in this matter and she refuses to get help,she got help once and seemed to be a lot better but stopped taking the pills as she thought she knew better than the mental health professionals).She constantly sleights me on a well known site for Mums and she comes across as hating me and everything I do and I've lost count of the amount of times she's come to bed drunk and whispered how much she wishes I was dead or woken me up wanting other things if you know what I mean only to look at me with disgust afterwards or confessing on websites that she hates me touching her,she's constantly checking my computer/slash phone to see what websites I'm posting on or looked at and at one point after she caught the back end of a conversation due a pocket call she accused me of having an affair which is something I would never do (I can't even remember what the conversation was about let alone who it was with).
We have serious financial problems (for us anyway but I know there's people worse off than we are) and I'm in a low paid job.If I have any spare cash I spend it on her and the kids or get something we can share but if I buy anything for myself I feel guilty about it and feel like a bad person.Most days I never have enough money to buy myself a cup of coffee at work and if I ask her for a quid to get one I feel like [censored] and a failure,she even refused to get me a birthday present this year saying I never got her anything over the past few years (not true).
It just feels like it's my fault that she's like this and I feel like I have nobody I can talk to or ask advice from.My Mother lives a short bus ride away but she has no real interest in me or the kids and I've given up calling (usualy she make an arangement to come see us but most times she doesn't turn up or calls with a lame excuse and it's heartbreaking to see the look of disappointment on my childrens faces),my Father lives in Essex and I just feel his more interested in his kids from another relationship than he is in me.I've lost all contact with friends over the past ten years as my partner never really liked them (she accused one of them of being smug and never showed any real interest in the rest of them so we all drifted apart) and I can't really talk to the people I work with as they're more like aquaintences than friends,I'm sure that my children love me but they've always been more interested in their mum than me and after running me down in front of them I just feel like I'm here more in a baby sitting capacity than that of a Dad as most days she lays in bed until gone midday or later because she was up until three am drinking the night before (as I type this I'm wondering what to tell work as to when I'll be back next as I'm going to have to book some emergency leave while I sort myself out).
So with all my problems I'm just looking for a little reassurance that I'm not going to feel worthless for ever and some advice on what to do next ,who to talk to/see and I don't think I ever want to be involved with anyone again apart from my children.
Again my apologies for the length of my first post but I'm hurting badly and just feel like shutting myself away for the rest of my life as I feel I've wasted it on someone who never cared for me.
Hi there,
Thanks for being so honest and sharing, your going through a really tough time and I can see why you feel so down. But you aren't a bad dad or partner, you have been there for her and your children for the past 10 years and have worked to put food on the table and a roof over their heads.
I think you need some support though and I get the feeling you know this, I would speak to your doctor who can give you some advice and guidance and maybe refer you to someone trained to tall through your emotions who will be able to help you getting grips with where you are right now.
I'm sure that your children do love you very much a child's love is unconstitutional so you don't need to worry about what they feel for you.
You say you have no one to talk to and that's not uncommon for us guys as we don't tend to have close friends as women do, but you are now here on this Site and we are all open and honest and will listen (well read) and give as much support as we can, so continue to be open and honest and talk through your issues.
Darren
Have you guys considered making an appointment with Relate? They are professionals who can help with counselling, especially in relationships. We can ask them to pop on the Forum & share some advice with you. Like Darren. I think it's important to talk to people & try and find an interest where you can make friends and build some self worth back up. If you're not upto that then counselling would be a great thing to try, infact both would be great. You've been through a lot & really hope you find the break through you need!
I would go to some Al Anon meetings (they are for friends or family affected by someone who is alcoholic) as soon as possible - your ex is blaming you for a lot of things, and you believe it - it wears you down after a while to the extent you think it is all your fault (some of it may be, but not all of it). I have been there, and Al Anon was an eye opener. Believe me, it will boost your self esteem as almost certainly, your ex knows exactly which buttons to press to cause an argument so that she can blame you that she is drinking.
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.