MIL used to stay 2 nights a week for years. It started off as childcare but as daughter got older if became something she enjoyed.
She lives alone and she has a great relationship with our daughter. But, and even wife agreed, 2-3 days was enough and we used to joke about the "3 day limit" with her mother. Shes good as gold but living with her fulltime she had some funny waus.
Of course, its been hard during lockdown when shes been stuck home alone. So now its relaxing we thought we'd see if she wanted to resume. I'm wfh so know I'd see her more but agreed.
So wife offered "so I'll pick you up wednesday then take you home friday" silence.
How about "tuesday then I take you home thu... " Yes take me home friday.
Another day added on? how did that happen. Since then shes phoned my wife a few times and said things like "so maybe monday would be a better day for me to come up? And or sunday even?
Hang on now - 5/6 days per week! Wife is the most laid back person in the world but does let her get away with a lot.
Am I being mean here - after all shes been stuck home for months?
Or is this a bit pushy?
Can guarantee I'll be the bad one if I push this? Wife wont tell her straight and if I moan it'll be a case of "well I dont want to impose so I wont come at all"....
Families eh? Way too clever for me.
Hello Paulfoel,
Thank you for sharing your dilemma. How lovely that before lockdown you were able to enjoy a positive relationship with your MIL, and have her stay for two nights. Also lovely that she has a special bond with your daughter too.
Lockdown has been such a unique experience for everyone, and it could be that your MIL maybe feeling very lonely or insecure at the moment. Or she may have just missed you all so much! Seriously, keeping communication open with your wife about your feelings on the situation is very necessary, if you want to reach some kind of compromise. It won't be easy I'm sure, because you are discussing a person that your wife loves very much - her mum.
Perhaps because it has been such a long time since your MIL has seen anyone, you could run with your wife on this one and let her stay for a longer period of time, but stress that before another date is arranged, you discuss together the amount of time the next visit will be. Be brave and say why you would prefer a shorter visit. There will come a point when your wife will have to chat to her mum, but for now, re-connecting to her mum, and your MIL reconnecting to her family would to me be the most important thing. I wish you well, let us know how you are getting on.
Kind regards, Fegans Parent Support Volunteer.
Hello Paulfoel,
Thank you for sharing your dilemma. How lovely that before lockdown you were able to enjoy a positive relationship with your MIL, and have her stay for two nights. Also lovely that she has a special bond with your daughter too.
Lockdown has been such a unique experience for everyone, and it could be that your MIL maybe feeling very lonely or insecure at the moment. Or she may have just missed you all so much! Seriously, keeping communication open with your wife about your feelings on the situation is very necessary, if you want to reach some kind of compromise. It won't be easy I'm sure, because you are discussing a person that your wife loves very much - her mum.
Perhaps because it has been such a long time since your MIL has seen anyone, you could run with your wife on this one and let her stay for a longer period of time, but stress that before another date is arranged, you discuss together the amount of time the next visit will be. Be brave and say why you would prefer a shorter visit. There will come a point when your wife will have to chat to her mum, but for now, re-connecting to her mum, and your MIL reconnecting to her family would to me be the most important thing. I wish you well, let us know how you are getting on.
Kind regards, Fegans Parent Support Volunteer.
Thanks for the reply....
My daugher and her gran have such a nice relationship. She loves her to bits. Which is why I feel a bit mean.
Yes MIL struggled a lot and did miss up and does seem really depressed so I'm trying to think of that.
I just think more than anything its the way she did sort of manipulate that extra day. I guess I should let this go though?
My wife and I have had a chat. I might prefer it to be shorted but wife is OK with it being 3 nights. BUT shes said no way is it extending even more than this. I guess I'll have to trust her to be firm. She has been so far to be honest.
At the moment I'm thinking if we moan about the 3 nights its going to upset her a lot. My MIL. Probably not what she needs right now.
Whole situation not helped by the siblings who are hiding now and letting us do it all.
The concern here is that it appears your wife has agreed a new routine without consulting with you prior.
Unless you politely make a stand and put a stop to this early on it will continue.
Be firm, but fair.
"I agree to the previous arragements 2/3 nights a week, I feel it's the most appropriate.".
But... why... please... blablabla
Just repeat the above statement more or less.
Hi paulfoel,
That's great that you have been able to discuss the situation and agree on how long your MIL stays. Yes I agree, you will have to be firm, but with your encouragement and support, your wife hopefully will find it easier each time when speaking with her mum. Dealing with all the emotions that come with family is certainly not easy, but you sound like you are both trying to do this together so well done.
As for the other siblings, speaking from experience, my husband and I just got on with looking after my MIL at the time, because we knew we wanted to the best for her. We had to realise that siblings for whatever reason sometimes just don't want to get involved. As long as we knew we were doing all we could, then that was all that mattered. Hope things become easier and if you do need help from siblings then be brave and contact them, stating exactly what you would like them to do.
Best wishes,
Fegans PSV
Hi paulfoel,
That's great that you have been able to discuss the situation and agree on how long your MIL stays. Yes I agree, you will have to be firm, but with your encouragement and support, your wife hopefully will find it easier each time when speaking with her mum. Dealing with all the emotions that come with family is certainly not easy, but you sound like you are both trying to do this together so well done.
As for the other siblings, speaking from experience, my husband and I just got on with looking after my MIL at the time, because we knew we wanted to the best for her. We had to realise that siblings for whatever reason sometimes just don't want to get involved. As long as we knew we were doing all we could, then that was all that mattered. Hope things become easier and if you do need help from siblings then be brave and contact them, stating exactly what you would like them to do.
Best wishes,Fegans PSV
thanks once again..... Yes know what you mean. Part of the problem is that wife is so laid back. She'll agree to anything and then realise what shes agreed to. Its a nice part of her but so infuriating, The number of times I've said "you just agreed to x when you said you weren;t going to". "Oh did I? Sorry I didnt realise".
Shes been here a few days now. Its tough.
I've been trying to work out what the issue is. Shes behaved ok. Shes a nice enough lady.
BUT I just dont have that much in common with an 80 year old lady. I'm working in the day and go outside, shes there with my wife, they've got abba playing, MIL is drinking.
Whereas I've no problem with here I'm not interested in sitting there every evening like this for a few hours. I do feel like a spare wheel.
Tried to explain to my wife who quite likes this sitting around outside with her mother, And of course, my 7 year loves that shes here. I've said shes fine but Its not my favourite thing. If my best friend came around every night for 4 nights I'd be sick of them too.
Wife sees the good in everyone. She cant see how its just not for me. I've tried to explain....
Of course, what do I do about it? I can't say she cant come up because wife likes her there, kids like her there, she behaves well, helps out - only issue is I'm left out. It does feel like life goes on hold waiting for her to go home.
I would let you MIL stay for a week then take her home . then next time you can have that chat that you would like it to be like previous arrangement etc
Well shes going home today after 3 nights.....
Its been difficult. Not helped by the fact that we're all home (Im WFH).
Normally she'd stay 2 maybe 3 nights most weeks to be honest. Id be in work in the day, kids would be in school. I'd see her for a few hours in the evening and that'd be it pretty much. She'd sleep in same bedroom as youngest so would be up at 8pm. Of course, no school kids are up later too. So its 10pm now.
Part of the problem is the things she used to do she can't do. Getting her hair done on a friday etc. Getting the bus into town. And wifes siblings have used the whole covid thing to their advantage a bit much I think. So because shes so lonely it has fallen on us a bit - which annoys me.
Like I said, wife and I have had a chat and she knows how I feel. I think I'm resigned to the fact that, for now, the new norm is going to be 3 nights a week. At least for now. I'm going to have to cope with that I think....