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Hello all,
This is an heartbroken and desperate situation.
I created an account for my boyfriend, we're not residing in UK, but I'm looking for advices about a difficult fatherhood situation.
We live in Bali, I am french and my boyfriend is Indonesian.
8 years ago he was with an American girl, they've been together 3 years and get married.
She get pregnant, and as she was announcing the news to him, she also announcing him that she was going back to America and also, that she was actually lesbian.
She's been abused by her father and her brother when she was a kid, she always been lesbian (she is now in an established relationship with another woman) and didn't trust men, but somehow she get in love with him but since she knew she's pregnant, she had the fear that, because he is a man, he could hurt their child.
She left when she was 3 months pregnant, so my boyfriend never seen his daughter, but she agreed to let him having a place in her life.
He was present through the phone the day of her birth, and he could skype with her every week end.
But since 3 months, the mother decided that the daughter is getting too old and want to avoid the questions of why she never meet daddy (the kid is almost 5yo, and has been asking already my boyfriend when he was going home, but neither him or a mother did explain the situation to the daughter and just reply "soon" or "later"). So she told my boyfriend that they won't skype anymore and he should forget about his daughter, for her own sake.
My boyfriend is heartbroken and tried many times to make the mother change her mind, but she replied that if he loves his daughter he should forget about her, it is better for her to think that he never been there instead of suffering to not see him or that she would have to answer to her hypothetic friends at school why his daddy is in another country and never visit her, or this kind of [censored].
Though, he loves his daughter so much, his wall is covered of his daughter pictures, he talk about her endless, and turn cheesyly crazy each time he sees a little girl who remind him her.
This situation being already hard, it has now a really bad effect on our relationship. These last days he became emotionally unstable, he is easily irritable, became cold, provoke me and get easily upset, aggressive and angry. And his angry crisis are really really strong.
As we get closer to his daughter birthday (5 years beginning of January), it is getting worse and worse.
I'm seeking for advices about how to help him (I'm not myself a really patient person when I feel insulted), and get him manage his anger (he's angry all the time, he started boxing and go to gym, but I see that, instead canalizing his aggressivity, it increases it).
Of course, ideally, he will fly to America, hire a lawer and make his rights respected, by the meanwhile he could see a professionnal to talk about what he feel, but this is Indonesia, and the average salary here is 120$ per month, to give you an idea of the situation.
He feels powerless, I feel helpless. If you know a forum of fathers in the same situation than him, who can understand what is living, where he could share his pain, where he could seek for hopes and maybe handle a little better the situation, I would deeply appreciate it to let me know.
Thank you.
Hi, your story touched my heart. I have no legal advise as like you said living so far apart and with very little money . you are both welcome to come on here and chat to other Dads and mum and grans, we do know the pain you feel. Your boyfriend is taking his anger of not seeing his daughter by skype on you and this is not fair on you and you need to explain this to him, you are there to support him not to be his punch bag(so to speak). I wouldnt give up on his daughter as the mum might think its best for him to disappear but this is not in the best interest of the child, they were wrong to pretend to the child that daddy was just away. I think in these circumstances skype is great with, letters, the odd phone call on birthdays etc. Have you tried writing to the mum direct, is there any free legal advice. I know in America they encourage both parents is he on the birth certificate
Hi ak57,
Thanks so much for your answer. My boyfriend just broke up with me this morning, so I guess I am no longer concerned by this problem.
I hope he'll find a way to deal with his problems and will have contact with his daughter again soon.
I also hope for himself that he'll take time to come here or on other forums on internet to share his pain and experience, but from my side, there is obviously nothing more I can do.
Thanks for your time and concerns.
Hi so sorry you have broken up. I think at the moment he is not going to be good to be around and you do best to let it be for a while. He does seem to have become obsessed , having hundreds of photos and constantly talking about her. He has never met her and proberbly never will whilst she is young. hard to do but he has to let go and accept the situation ssso he can move on with his life and hopefully get married and have a family of his own. Im not saying he should forget his daughter but he needs to put it in prospective . I hope you find happiness
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