Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
I'm in the same boat Except my son is 5. He has apparently told his mum he doesn't want to see me. I have a daughter with her who is 3 and comes along very happy and excited. When my son is here he is very happy and has fun doing fun stuff with me. My situation is their mum uses him to hurt me and tries to make a better offer the weekend that I'm supposed to have them. Her and her boyfriend blackmail the kids and manipulate them for control. It's upsetting. I don't no what's best leave him to it till he sees what's going on and me risk loosing my bond or fight for it. If you get any advice please may you let me know. Hope it all works out for both of us 🙂
Hi Nathan
It's always a difficult one - at that age, they are very susceptible to bribery of a "better" offer. I would say that you shouldn' give up though as both you and he will lose out in the long run.
Hi Nathan
You poor lamb. And how sad for your son.
Don't give up.
My husband and I split in December. It's been v v messy and traumatic for our children. So, my duaghter, 15 initially saw him of her own volition, then saw him because I made her, and since July, has had no contact with him whatsoever. He was very badly behaved in front of her and she simply had enough. So she wouldn't take his texts, hides when he comes to the house to collect her brothers, won't talk to him and wants to totally disconnect her life from him. Initially he texted every day - crappy things to be honest that made her cringe. Then he went to a text a week. Then nothing. In August she got A*'s for her GCSE's. I emailed him to let him know and he told me how fab she was. But he didn't text her or tell her she was fab. When he is at the house he never asks for her or where she is. He makes a great show of contacting her tutor at school and reading up on 'A' level stuff. This is a show of what a great parent he is. But he's missed the point. He's not sufficiently bothered to text her every week/day; to send her a card to say 'well done' or a teddy that he saw which made him think of her. She is hurt because he has given up. I know this is what she wants, but - she's a female - contrary goes with the territory!
He should stick at it and be ignored - no matter how hurtful, rather than fade to zero in the background. Even being cross about a text is a connection between two people. No text, no connection. Some day she'll get a grip on her anger and be inclined to see him. But only if he has been constantly there. Out of sight (and text) out of mind. Every day she grows a little further away from him and I can't help because he won't let me.
I'm telling you this because I'm witnessing the other side and how it feels for my daughter.
Your ex is clearly engaging in parent alienation - loads on the web about it - I know because I've been accused of it - v v unfairly. It's a hard one to tackle, but just keep going.
Every so often drop them a note. Letters are more real than texts. You don't need to bribe with gifts. Draw a picture of a tree for each child and ask them to put leaves or flowers on it for you. Send a picture they can colour in. Send a badge, a fluffy toy, a shell from the beach. Use pictures because of the age - you'd don't want to have to rely on the ex to read a letter to them. Say to them when you see them next I am going to send you the biggest leaf I can find and you have to find one that's bigger and if you do I'll give you a sweet when I see you next. Then stick a leaf in an envelope.
However you do it - whatever you do - use every channel to them that's available if you can't see them. Ignore the rubbish about not wanting to see you. My son used to cry like a banshee when I dropped him off at nursery, but howled when I picked him up. He always had a ball.
Be constant, be calm, be loving, don't lower your dignity or do anything that you would not be proud for your son to know when he is older.
Don't give up - you might actually have a better time thn you think using the Royal Mail. You'll be excited anticipating them getting the post and they'll start to look forward to what comes next. You'll be thinking of what to send them next. They will remember this. It's special.
Good luck
xx
Hey elvis, that's really good advice thanks a lot. Problem is she is in a new relationship and is not allowed 2 tell me her address or the kids schools or gp's. so can't send letters there. I've decided ill still see the kids and I my son wants to come along then he can. Just hope one day he will see he's been brainwashed. 🙂
The woman concerned with me has lied all thro the pregnancy telling everyone I did not want to know about the pregnancy and end result registered the child without telling me and even to,ld me I was on the birth certificate what a women eh
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.