[Solved] My boy is unhappy and I don't know what to do.

Some similarities with my daughter, relatives said that she would end up with me, but its been a long time and she is now 12. It makes it harder because I work and have no partner.
I guess that you think that your ex will not relent, so keep in touch with school, because if it is affecting his behaviour, they will know.
In my case the social worker is pushing things in my direction, but I get the impression they normally try to stay neutral.
I didnt have a good experience when involving the courts. Just try to keep posative, someone else might have some advice?

He's not in school yet as he was just off the cut off date, that's another issue I'm dreading, he doesn't want to go to school in her town he wants to go to school near us. He doesn't understand why he can't live here and seems to think that we don't want him because I keep taking him back. He goes to a very large nursery and although it is excellent, he doesn't get enough individual attention for them to notice anything.

At one point social services were involved and suggested I go for full residency with the mother not seeing him at all but changed their minds. The times I have him was agreed through solicitors, we managed to keep it amicable and out of the courts as neither of us wanted the decision to be taken out of both of our hands as to what happened to our son.

Everyone who knows me and knows her has said since I left that he'd end up living with me one day. I know the courts won't listen to his opinion until 8,9,10+ and I can't wait that long seeing him like this. Plus the mother and I have worked very hard at being civil towards each other, if I go to court it'll wreck all that work and bring out the nasty side of her. I don't want my son to be caught in the middle of a war but he's not happy. It's not that I want him so he's got to live with me - although I'd be over the moon - if he wanted to live with her, I'm happy with that if he's happy. I don't know how much longer she'll be in denial for and stop avoiding the issue, I just want to talk to her about it but from past experience if I push her she'll snap and alienate me more.

Hi there and welcome 🙂

My grandson was exactly the same, he was four and he lived with his mum, my son had him every weekend and during the week. He was so unhappy and he used to cry and cling to my son when it was time to go, it was so distressing, I know what you are going through....
However, his mother was mistreating him, physically and mentally, there were drugs and constant parties at her house with my grandson right in the middle of it all. My son went to court and got custody. Even with all the abuse my Grandson was subjected to, it was still touch and go wether my son would succeed, but she tested positive for cocaine and that was pivotal.

Its good that your little boy isn't being mistreated, but it makes it nigh on impossible to get custody of him. Its a catch 22 situation....You could try Mediation, having a neutral place to talk, and having the guidance of a trained Mediator might just allow you both to speak openly about the situation. If you could talk it through in a calm and non judgemental way it might help. There are child counsellors, and it might be a good idea to suggest this to the mother during Mediation. The GP can refer him and it might help him. You could suggest that the mother comes and picks him up at the end of his stay with you, if nothing else it would give her insight into whats happening. If she stayed for a cup of tea and made the whole situation more casual, it might help....just changing the routine it might help break the habit of his behaviour at leaving time. anything's worth a try.

I hope you can find some answers for your little boy. Best of luck with it all 🙂

Heres a link to the Mediation Service ~ www.nfm.org.uk

I know she has very little patience with him, he's supposed sit down, shush and do exactly what she tells him, she snaps/shouts/slaps as soon as he puts a toe out of line. He gets very upset here if he breaks something, is sick, spills a drink and wets the bed because he thinks we're going to go off on one at him.

Unfortunately there's no chance her coming to the house. I travel 160 miles and spend a fortune every weekend picking him up and dropping him off, she won't even meet me down the road with him to make it a tiny bit easier. Most weekends she actually goes to a town much closer but refuses to let me pick him up from there, it's from her front door or nothing. She also hates my wife and can't be anywhere near her incase she starts something which she has done before.

There's also no chance of mediation. She can be very irrational and flies off the handle easily. She's got me picking him up at the worst possible time of day every weekend, I have to get three buses to pick him up and spend nearly two hours waiting around for connecting buses. I've asked to pick him up an hour earlier which'd mean just two buses and ten minutes between buses but no, she flew off the handle. I waste so much time I have with him travelling it's ridiculous, especially in this weather it's no fun for him either. At the moment I don't get back here with him until nearly 3pm, if I could pick him up an hour earlier I could be back around 11.45!

I don't know what to say to him when he asks to live here, I'm running out of excuses. She's phoned me countless times in the last few months to talk to him because he's "going mental" about wanting to come here, it's awful having to tell him he can't come here until the weekends when all I want to do is run out the door and go and get him. She refuses to acknowledge it's a problem though.

I don't know what to say to him when he asks to live here, I'm running out of excuses.

Dont make excuses, tell him the truth, or a 4 yr olds version.

Children normally live with both parents, but mum n dad didnt get on, dad would love for his little boy to live with him, but when parents split, its usually the mother that is best at looking ater the children. When you get older you might live at dads more, but when children are small its the adults that makes the decisions ???

Hi again....Is there perhaps a member of her family that could mediate between the two of you, a nanny, grandad or an auntie or uncle? It seems unreasonable to me that she wont allow you at least to pick him up earlier, so that the trip is quicker and less arduous for him...after all its for his benefit as much as yours...if not more, in fact!

Could I suggest that you start a diary and make a record of all contact between you and your ex. What is said, when she flies off the handle, everytime she is unreasonable... and record how your little boy reacts, what he says etc. If she is rude or abusive make a note of it, in fact log everything and anything to do with it. It might help if the situation escalates, as it could do, to have a record of events.

You mentioned that Social Services have been involved, you could contact them and discuss your concerns for your son and the fact that it is getting worse and has been for over a year now...tell them that you are afraid that he may suffer some serious psychological damage if the situation continues, and you fear he is at risk of this. Tell them how unresponsive his mother is and the unreasonable behaviour she displays and as an example tell them about the extended journey you are forced to make, and the fact that it is not in your sons best interests, in fact its detrimental! They may not get involved, but make sure they record your concerns on file. Again this may be helpful at a later date if you need to act, and maybe feel you need to go to court.

I just wish I could give you something more constructive....Good luck with everything 🙂

She's turned her whole family against me over the years, she was very abusive towards me and they only heard the one side of her story. Plus she'd go mad if I spoke to anyone else about her.

Basically social services were involved because my son was terrified of her, she had anger problems and would have my son 2-3 days at a time before phoning me and telling me to pick him up or she'd leave him in the street. I'd race over to get him to find him in a stale full nappy (even when he was fully trained) and very upset. He's always been a happy, bubbly, constantly on the go boy but during this time period he turned into a nervous wreck, would wet himself if a door was shut or it was too dark or he thought he was in trouble. His Mum took class B drugs socially at weekends with friends and she convinced social services that the only problem she had was the drugs. She stopped them immediately (wasn't difficult, she wasn't an addict or anything), social services gave themselves a huge pat on the back for being so clever in helping her and stopped their involvement. I had kept a record of everything in that time period, had to get a new phone because my old one had all the incriminating texts from her saved on it, social services weren't interested in seeing any of it and when I saw a solicitor, social services had stopped their involvement and nothing could be done because they deemed him 'safe'. His Mum knows she could've lost him forever if social services had known what was really going on so makes an effort to tidy up, make sure he's dressed ok, etc. Now he sees me regulary and spends most of his time with his Mum in childcare he's much happier and come out of his shell again but still wants to live with me.

He won't say anything about her apart from she scares him when she shouts at him and won't say anything else because "Mummy said if I whinge at people about her I'll get in lot's of trouble". I don't think it goes beyond her having no patience and shouting/slapping/punishing too much because it's obvious when he's being mistreated. He's still happy, bubbly, chatty and says she's nice to him most of the time. Before he'd say she was a horrible monster.

I've completely lost faith in social services and how they handled the whole situation previously. Now his Mum is very careful what she texts me (although social services were never interested in seeing the texts from before), for example she'll text all week and say he's been really good, had lot's of fun, done all this stuff then when I pick him up she says he's been an utter b*****d and hasn't done anything because he's been so naughty.

I really want him to have counselling of some kind after everything he's been through, I mentioned it once and got a tirade of "are you saying my f'ing son is f'ed up?! I haven't f'ed up my son thankyou very much!!" and so on. She's in denial about how her previous actions have effected him now. He still talks about what happened before.