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Hi there. I'm a Dad of 3 children aged 15, 14 and 10 and my partner (who I live with in her house) also has 3 children of similar age. A few months ago my partner and I split up after a bad argument which I foolishly told to my kids , thinking at the time there was no going back.
However such is life and we are now back together but my kids want nothing more to do with her which is putting a lot of strain on our relationship.
We have been together for 3and a half years and my kids have enjoyed holidays with us all in the past and days out etc including regular sleepovers but now they just don't want to know.
I used to see my kids on Wednesday evenings on my own and they used to come and spend every other weekend with me and my partner at her house. Now my kids won'y integrate at all with my partner or her kids which means I'm only seeing my kids on Wednesday nights for 4 hours and when I take my middle son to sports on a sat or sun.
I've tried explaining to them that I miss them but as time goes on my partner is also less interested in having anything to do with my kids as they believe she is the bad guy (again my fault for telling them too much info about the split).
I would love to see them more but it would just mean myself and partner lead separate lives.
Any advice?
Hi,
Have you spoken to your kids individually about how they're feeling since the news you shared with them about your partner? What do you think it is about the news that has meant they want nothing to do with them. All kids are different and process things differently, which is why time on their own chatting things through may help. How's your relationship with them now?
Hi,
My relationship with my kids is great and when I see them every Wednesday we try to do different things like swimming or cinema or visiting my parents , park, walks etc.
They all tell me they love me but don't feel like they can come back into my life and integrate with my partner as they saw I was hurt big time and because I told them too many details of the split they can't trust her and would rather just see me on my own.
The eldest of my kids (15 yrs) was the first one to make a stand and he seems to have dug his heels in more than the other two. I have tried to say that sometimes life isn't that straightforward and sometimes people split up and get back together but he can't forgive or forget the circumstances of the split and therefore wants none of it. He is quite angry about it and now is blaming my partner for not seeing me more often.
I asked the middle son (14 yrs) to come on holiday to Wales with me and my partners family last month as I believe he would have enjoyed it and while I know he would love to spend more time with me and would soon have forgotten all the bad stuff (we did have some really good times as a big family) he chose to be loyal to his brother I think. My middle son doesn't ever say much or express many feelings but has always been very close to me.
My daughter (10 yrs) seems to repeat her moms opinion. My ex wife has made sure that they are all dead set against my partner as there is no love lost there.
I have spoken to my ex about this and apologised for involving the kids so much when the split happened with my partner. She just says "it's their choice".
I just miss them and feel we will grow apart if this continues.
It seems as if you are really trying to do the right thing for your children and your partner. With any relationship split there can be various problems, especially when children can see that one or both parents are distressed. This can be hard on your children, as they have now seen you upset and unhappy for a second time. They might also see your partner as the cause of your break up with your ex and that she has now come between you and them, so they might have started to blame her for everything that has happened. As you have spoken honestly with your children about the split, and seen you get hurt and upset too many times, they might be using your partner as a scapegoat for the hurt they might be feeling themselves for not being able to see you or having both of their parents together.
You might like to see if you can be honest with them again. By demonstrating your trust in your partner and how much she means to you and your children will eventually come around to seeing your point of view. While it might be difficult for your children to hear you talk to them about how you feel about them and your partner, it is better for them to see that you and your partner are together and are going to make things work. Talk to your partner about this as well, as she will need to agree what you will both be talking about to your children. When it comes to getting together to talk with your children, rather than try talking to them at your partner's home, initially agree on a neutral place to have a 'family conference' and show your children that you and your partner both want the same things, including having them in your lives. If you don't include your partner, they might not see this as you and your partner not being together and your partner not liking your children.
If you find this a challenge, you might want to see a family counsellor. Relate offer family counselling where you, your partner and your children can talk about how you and they feel about the situation in a safe and comfortable place. You will also need to inform your ex that you will be taking your children to see the family counsellor to help resolve this situation. You can make an appointment by calling 0300 100 1234.
Alternatively a good book for both you and your partner to read is the Relate Guide to Step Families. This is a good book with clear advice and direction on how you and your partner might be able to work together to make your children feel part of your new family.
Whatever you decide, take care of yourself, your children and your partner.
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