[Solved] Need advice from other fathers who's been through the same

Hi Confused86, On one level it sounds pretty normal reaction to the split to me... Sept last year is only 10 months ago and I think they say it takes upto 2 years to come to terms with the impact of something major like that. It sounds like you are on the money with the

Personally I think things moved too quickly as he met my kids & vice versa, mainly because of circumstances it meant somedays the only time we could see each other is when the kids were around but obviously we never got intimate infront of the children.

It sounds a shame though as you clearly got on well but that he is going though what would look like 'grief' - which i guess is entirely normal.

I would hang in there for him, and treat it a bit like you would a bereavement and give him space to be angry, numb, despondent etc etc. It kinda comes and goes in waves and so I suspect there will be much of the time when everything is fine.

My only other tip is to help him find a way to express it - I like to journal or go for a run.... or being totally honest have a drink... I guess i've learnt this is similar to 'self-medicating' which as long as its not for a prolonged period is how many of us handle stressful situation.

Let me know your thoughts

Ron

Thankyou for your reply.

I am now thinking more along the lines that he just doesnt want to be in a relationship - not specifically the kids issue like I suggested.

I briefly spoke to him the other day & I mentioned the children & gave him my opinion on how I think he may be feeling over the kids & his reply was 'Sorry but your way off the mark, my heads just telling me I shouldnt be in a relationship right now". That confused me even more as I thought I had it in my head why we couldnt be together but then that was blown out of the water.

We had no contact for 2 days & then he texted me yesterday morning just a friendly text asking if i was ok & how work was going. We swapped a few friendly texts but I started to read more into it - maybe he was texting as he was missing me. But I wasnt sure so in the end I just texted him saying I wanted to stay friends but in the meantime I'd prefer it if he didnt get in touch, not unless it was because he wanted to sort it out & not just cos he was feeling guilty maybe. He just replied ok, which got on my nerves & I ended up saying that was the reason u texted me wasnt it, guilt. Your probably not missing me at all. To which he replied "You need to stop doing this to yourself. If u want me to be genuinely honest then I havent been missing u in the way u want me to miss u, I've been with the kids all week & concentrating on them".

I just dont think he wants a relationship - I find it hard to understand because I found someone who was perfect for me & hes said I'm his perfect woman. So in that case why let the opportunity to pass by?

I can't really talk to him about anything like you suggested as we're on no contact as its easier for me to deal with. Not only that but when we 1st split I used to try to talk to him about it, but he used to just say he cant or doesnt want to talk about it cos he doesnt have any answers.

Hi, I'm new to the board & I am looking for some advice. I am a female who has recently split from a guy who was perfect, everything to me but he said he needs some space, & he feels stupid over it as I'm the perfect woman for him but his head just isnt in the right place at this moment in time.

To give a bit of background - he was married to his ex wife for 2 years, they were together for 10 in total. They had 2 children together who are now 5 & 4. They split in Sept last year after what he describes as a numb past few years, the love had gone & she started going off the rails so he left her.

I met him in April this year & for the first few months things were going fine. Personally I think things moved too quickly as he met my kids & vice versa, mainly because of circumstances it meant somedays the only time we could see each other is when the kids were around but obviously we never got intimate infront of the children.

Weds last week he sat me down & said he was struggling to deal with being in a new relationship & he didnt know why but the kids was a big part of it - which I was already aware of.

So what Im looking for here is advice on if it'll get better for him - not the relationship because as it stands that no longer exists.

But I know he feels an overwhelming sense of guilt over his children. He left their mum & feels terribly guilty over it as he isnt there all the time. He sees his children a lot, they live across the road, but he just feels sometimes like hes done wrong by them. He feels guilty for not being with them when he has spare time - like he should devote every minute to them. I have tried to make him see that he is a fantastic father, his kids dont miss out whatsoever & they wont hate him for leaving their mum - its just circumstances & theres nothing he can do. He needs to have a life as well as being a dad but he doesnt see this.

Is there any advice u can give me on how to help him??

It's true the guilt is keeping you two apart. And he misses them more as he stays just across the road. He should not be guilty sometimes things work and sometimes it doesn't. You need to spend more time with him. Give him some time to recover.

Thankyou for your reply.

I am now thinking more along the lines that he just doesnt want to be in a relationship - not specifically the kids issue like I suggested.

I briefly spoke to him the other day & I mentioned the children & gave him my opinion on how I think he may be feeling over the kids & his reply was 'Sorry but your way off the mark, my heads just telling me I shouldnt be in a relationship right now". That confused me even more as I thought I had it in my head why we couldnt be together but then that was blown out of the water.

We had no contact for 2 days & then he texted me yesterday morning just a friendly text asking if i was ok & how work was going. We swapped a few friendly texts but I started to read more into it - maybe he was texting as he was missing me. But I wasnt sure so in the end I just texted him saying I wanted to stay friends but in the meantime I'd prefer it if he didnt get in touch, not unless it was because he wanted to sort it out & not just cos he was feeling guilty maybe. He just replied ok, which got on my nerves & I ended up saying that was the reason u texted me wasnt it, guilt. Your probably not missing me at all. To which he replied "You need to stop doing this to yourself. If u want me to be genuinely honest then I havent been missing u in the way u want me to miss u, I've been with the kids all week & concentrating on them".

I just dont think he wants a relationship - I find it hard to understand because I found someone who was perfect for me & hes said I'm his perfect woman. So in that case why let the opportunity to pass by?

I can't really talk to him about anything like you suggested as we're on no contact as its easier for me to deal with. Not only that but when we 1st split I used to try to talk to him about it, but he used to just say he cant or doesnt want to talk about it cos he doesnt have any answers.

Couple of things here. I know it's easier said than done, but couldn't you take him texting you, on his own terms, as a good thing? At that time he was obviously thinking about you to have taken an interest to see how things are going for you.

Obviously if he's been busy with the kids, he isn't going to have the time to even think about you, I find this out from experience. With my partner, when we first got together, I found it strange and tough that when it was just her and the kids, she didn't have the time or thought process to text me back, it's something that happens.

Maybe he doesn't want to be in a relationship at the moment because in his head he can't be a the partner he wants/you would like, and be the best dad he can at the same time? Maybe he is finding things difficult, so try and give him the space and the help he needs.

Personally i'd say to you don't cut your nose of to spite your face, take a step back, but still be there. Answer texts if/when he texts you, text him after a few days if you haven't heard anything to see how he's doing, perhaps even offer to do something as friends, with the kids. Yes I know it'll be hard for you, but it could all be worth it in the end.