I will try to make as much sense as I can but I might write as it enters my head. Firstly I am not a strong man, I hate confrontations, arguments and always try to keep everyone happy. I am a new dad of 10 month old and step-dad to a 5 year old and 8 year old, to say its been a hard year is an understatement. My daughter was born in January, much to my delight and to the delight of my parents (their first grandchild). But from day one its been so hard, my baby was 10lb 6 at birth and squashed up in her mum so had a bad back, this took 9 months to fix and was not able to travel during this time, but my parents kept on about us bringing her down to them we explained we couldn't but my mum especially kept on. I then found out later that my mum had not told my dad about my babies back.
A few weeks after my baby was born my partner had a hemorrhage and I thought I was going to lose her. My partner has also suffered with PND. When my baby was born we asked my parents to give us a few weeks to get settled before they come up, they saw her the day after she was born in the hospital but my partner was serverly drugged up after having a c-section. So I dont think it was the visit my parents expected. But again my parents kept on about coming up to see us, but my partner asked for space (I have to admit at this point that I tried to convince my partner to let my parents up but she wasn't ready), my parents were not happy and kept pushing, in the end I convinced them to back off.
Time has gone on and my partner is suffering with PND she doesn't want to travel, but my parents keep wanting us to go down to them (we live an hour away), I work near my parents, work with my mum so I have been the buffer between my parents and my partner (who struggles with my parents anyway). It has dragged my down and I too am suffering with depression. I had a vasectomy in May which has left me with infection after infection even now.
In April my mum had to have a life-saving operation and also suffers with depression quite badly.
Anyway recently my parents came up and I texted them not too mention Xmas (I had told my mum at work that we wouldn't be down), they did I was not feeling well due to another infection and was spaced out, so did not say anything. My parents focused on my partner and she felt attacked, my partner said we wouldn't be down on Xmas eve, my mum said she wouldn't be giving the kids their Xmas Eve boxes (contain things for Santa etc) infront of the kids. My parents left in a huff, my partner and kids were very upset, my partner doesn't not want to see my parents at the moment and is very upset with them. She has felt through the whole of her pregnancy and birth as a vessal for their grandchld and nothing else. My partner is a strong woman and very stubborn, she has not made things easy either so dont think I am blaming my parents for everything and I have not helped either, instead of trying to keep everyone happy I should have been upfront with everyone whether it upset them or not - I am too blame.
Last week I was so low, I considered suicide i phoned the samaritans for help. I am on antidpressants and arranging counselling sessions through work. I have told my parents we need time and space to sort ourselves out. I am also looking for a new job to get away from the area and a fresh start. Having a family was supposed to be amazing and easy and happy. It hasnt been, I have not enjoyed my daughter at all not had chance.
Feeling lost and low and so tired.
hello and thank you for sharing what seems a very difficult situation
Have you tried sitting down with your mum and dad alone and speaking to them about the situation in hand and how you feel? does your partner understand how you feel?
I can understand your mum being excited about her 1st grandson as all grandmothers usually are but she must understand that if there have been problems then some space is required but this may be hard for her if she too suffers from depression.
Does your mum speak wth anyone about her depression?
DI agree with mavic, it's not too late to sit down with your parents and open up to them about what's been happening.
Even with the problems you've had, as a grandparent I can understand why your parents have felt pushed out and as you didn't keep them in the loop how were they to understand how difficult things have been for you. How often do your partners parents get to see their daughter and grandchild?
It's a difficult situation, made worse by the PND and your own health problems, I think if you can get your parents to understand how it's all been affecting you they should give you their support. Getting yourself back on track is also important... it's good that you're getting help and hopefully the counselling and anti depressants will help. Does your partner know how low you've been feeling?
Blaming yourself isn't helping mate, you're not to blame, events have overtaken you all and you've all had loads to deal with in the past year, give yourself a break and don't be so hard on yourself. Talking helps and I'm glad that you called the Samaritans, they are great at listening.
Tell your parents the truth, once you have them back on side, you can concentrate on getting to know your little one a bit better. Could you not take her up to see your parents without your partner? It would give your partner a break and give your parents a chance to get to know her too.
All the best and keep talking.
Hi both,
To be honest I haven't felt up to sitting down and talking to my parents at the moment, I feel so overwhelmed and scared. I just wanted to keep everyone happy, I have kept them in the loop as regards to how my daughter is and whats been happening with my partner's PND and me, but I suppose on somethings I could have been more upfront with them.
My mum has suffered with depression for as long as I can remember and takes tablets, but dont think that she talks to anyone about it.
My parents have been coming around every 5/6 weeks to see us, we live in a house owned by my partners mum (her dad is not in the picture) next door to her. But we barely see her as she is very social person and is out more than she is in, by her own admission she is not maternal person. We had to move due to the cheap rent as my partner had to give up her job before she became pregnant.
With my partners PND she is struggling to let the little one out of her sight, which doesn't help.
I havent told my parents or partner about my suicidal thoughts, I feel devastated about feeling like that and scared that I will be pushed away for having those thoughts so that nobody gets hurt.
I am just generally feeling weak at the moment and feel in a but of a whirlwind and not sure how to get out of it.
Thanks for replying.
trust me when i say this...you need to talk to them
also make an appointment with your gp as men can also suffer with PND
Hi There,
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You have had a lot to deal with, so you are going to feel a bit lost, trying to keep everyone happy isn't working for you, so you need to try a different approach.
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Telling those around you how you feel and your thoughts of suicide, is important, though your partner needs support through her PND you need some too,
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Though your mother in law doesn't come round often I bet your folks think that she is always there so they are feeling left out, I know that my mum felt that when my son was born as my mother in law lived over the road from us.
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Hopefully the counselling will help you to make sense of things and you can keep talking to us here as well.
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GTTS