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Hi all, first post on this excellent forum... would welcome your throughts.
I am trying to rebuild my relationship with my son. His mum and I divorced 3 years ago, and he has blamed me for the family breakup (justified, certainly to an extent). He lives with his mum, his sister and his new step-dad.
I am now married again (to a lovely lady who was not a part of my marriage breaking up). My son came to our wedding, and I hoped that this was a sign of a thaw in relations. He wanted nothing to do with me after I left the original family home, for three years, and I saw that him coming to the wedding as a sign of a thaw in relations. I have tried to keep in touch with him since the wedding but he has always been busy or unavailable, and not returned emails, and the one time I got agreement to see him (to see the new Bond film - via his sister) the date had to change unavoidably, and my ex wife took the opportunity to take him and his sister to see the film, before I had received an agreement to the date change. This change of date was seen as me letting him down, and when I tried to clarify what was happening over Christmas (ie when I would see him), he told me when I called (as I got no reply to the email) that he only came to the wedding because he felt he had to, and he didn't need me as a. he was still annoyed with me and b. he was getting all the support from the new dad figure in his life that he needed.
My ex-wife tells me that she has done all she thinks she can to encourage my son to keep in contact but doesn't want to push him etc etc, distinctly luke warm support I feel. I have been hoping that time would heal things, but not so far. My new wife points out that if I was living with him still, I probably wouldn't see much of him!
I recognise that all teenagers go through an angry period (I remember mine clearly!) and I am a perfect candidate for this role in his life at the moment. I am just trying to find a way firstly for him to get past this situation with support, and selfishly so I can start to rebuild my relationship with him, as I love him and miss him very much. I know he can only get help if he asks for it himself, and it won't work at all if I suggest it ("Dad it's your problem, I don't have a problem" - I can hear it now!).
Anybody have any ideas about how I can encourage him to talk to someone, like Relate, who have programmes for situation such as this?
Thanks in advance.
Hi newforestdad - sounds really tough. Only thing I can think of is whether you have admitted your mistakes to him (although figure even if you tried right now he may not hear it). It is really hard to say we have messed up but guess you could try 'sorry'? Email might be good - even if he doesn't reply you know he has it & might read it again & again.
Could try www.gotateenager.org.uk - more from parents angle though unless he sees there is a problem he isn't going to talk to anyone.
All the best - keep trying.
Bud this sounds a tough one...
I would tend to agree with Fred - really you can do something about your own actions..... and although trying to find support for him is admirable i guess as the proverb goes "you can take a horse to water, but you can't make him drink"..
I would definately write an apology letter and send it do him... if you can i would do it in your own hand writing... there is something powerful about apologising to our kids i think..
Your situation feels a bit like a friend of mine that has 3 kids he never sees or hears from. He was talking about keeping a diary (not every day) where he was effectively writing to his kids, telling them what he had been up to, and letting them know how much he wanted them to be a part of his life.... It was as much about therapy for him i think, but if those kids ever get to read that diary there will be months and years of entries of him telling them : -
"NO MATTER HOW IT LOOKED AT THE TIME, I LOVED YOU AND WANTED YOU IN MY LIFE".
I think as Dads our biggest challenge is to connect with our kids... from birth to death they always know their mum will be there, but as Dad's we have that constant choice to engage or walk away.... My thoughts for you predicament is do all you can to connect with him regardless of the responce.... I would say write to him, email him, send him a card and tell him what you've been up to and how you would love to see him (even if some of it you just keep in a box under your bed for when you do see him).... obviously you can't harrass him and sounds like the last thing you would want to do is guilt him into seeing you, but go after him and leave that bridge open for him to walk over when he is ready....
I know for me my relationship with my dad really changed when i had kids, maybe it will take something big in his life to make him question his relationship with you.. the best thing you can do is be there with open arms waiting for him...
Hope this helps, if you want to chat more send me a 'private message' via your 'user control panel' and we can arrange to meet on the forum and chat some more..
Go for it..
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