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Hi, this is my 1st ever posting, so bear with me! My son will be 3 in August. His mother and I never lived together, but agreed prior to his birth we would be involved co-parents. Needless to say, the agreed rules of the game changed soon after he was born, and co-parenting became reduced to me having access. Fortunately, I insisted on being named on the birth cert, which at least gives me miniscule rights to be consulted on larger issues. The frequency I see my son has been entirely determined by his mum, and has varied from 3-4 times weekly, to its general current pattern of one overnight stay over the weekend most weeks.
The question I have relates to school holidays. I assumed I would get to see more of him over the school holidays, particularly as he's now in nursery (since last autumn), but what has happened to date is that his mum either lets me know they will be away for the entire half term holidays, including the day(s) I would normally have him, or as in case of this summer holiday coming, gives me a long list of times they will be away. The little gaps remaining effectively leave me struggling to maintain the normal level of contact (let alone have extra time with him), and because these gaps mainly fall during the weeks, I'm having to take days off work to facilitate this. I have yet to spend a Xmas or New Year with him.
I'm planning to construct an email to my son's mum, but would like advice on whether determining some method of holiday division is a 'right' I can push for, without it being another thing she can automatically quote she's not legally obliged to consider.
Hi there Toks 🙂
I think it would be a good first step to write to her and request that she gives serious consideration to a defined schedule of contact to encompass school holidays and shared Christmases and birthdays. It might be an idea to point out that it is in the child's best interests to have some consistency and that he would benefit from the sense of security he would have knowing when he would be spending time with you. At the moment she isn't legally obliged, but if you were to apply for a defined contact order or shared residency through the courts then she would be obliged to abide by the contact schedule set down in the order.
If you get no further with her after writing to her then you can try Mediation. Hers a link to their website
www.nfm.org.uk
There's a charge for using this service but if you are in receipt of benefits or on a low income you will be eligible for legal aid. Here's a link to the legal aid calculator, just input your details and you will find out if you qualify.
Applying to the court is always a last resort, it puts huge strain on everyone involved and can often make an already strained relationship between the parents even worse....but sometimes its the only option left.
Thanks very much for your advice Nannyjane. I did send her an email a few days ago expressing my disappointment my son would be away for most of the summer holidays. She has responded this evening making no reference to my disappointment, but at least confirming the dates within the limited remaining holiday time my son is 'available' (as she puts it) that I have said I can see him.
I did suggest mediation over a year ago, but she said this wasn't relevant, as we were not in a relationship! I was left speechless by that, as she is an intelligent woman. I have resisted the very strong urge to go down the court route. I used to work in Social Services, so I have some insight into how emotionally messy that can get for all parties concerned, but there have been really low moments when I've come close to succumbing to the urge.
I will draft an email to her re consideration of how contact over holidays etc is determined/shared, though I have to work out the best time to send it, as I sense some degree of curtness in her agreement to my contact time with my son this summer holiday,so will let the dust settle a bit.
www.gov.uk/check-legal-aid
Oops I didn't include the link to the calculator! Sorry Toks.
I think shes confusing mediation with Relate! Perhaps when you write you can include some information about the mediation service and its role in assisting separated parents to reach agreement concerning issues of contact etc. I think she needs to be aware that you will do whatever it takes in the end to sort this situation out, even if that means going to court to get what is after all your childs right, and that is to have both parents fully involved in his life.
Best of luck.
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