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Now I've introduced myself in the newbie forum I thought I'd get this off my chest.
Dad to 3 little ones, all under 3, the youngest at 4 weeks. I separated from mum in April / May amid financial turmoil (on my part) and general lack of attention to the relationship on both our parts. However it was on good terms and we still are good friends. There in lies the problem, it still feels like we are together. She talks to me very differently than the rest of her male friends and is still questioning areas of my lifestyle that to be honest have nothing to do with her.
I also only work part time and have a considerable amount of time on my hands. Where I can I spend this helping her as I am aware that 3 young children is very hard to cope with on one's own. The dinner, bath, bed routine is particularly difficult but even things like going for a walk can be tough. All this means I'm there a lot but where do I draw the line?
I'm aware I get the easy end of the deal, as I can go home and not have to worry about them. I can go to the gym when I want, I can go watch TV when I want but I end up feeling guilty about not being there to help her. How do I balance being helpful and useful without spending my entire life feeling guilty when I'm not there?
Any adive would be gratefully received! Rant over... time for a beer!
Cheers,
FD 🙂
Hi there
Separations are never easy and never the same. I think it is sometimes easier when it is not amicable however you need to think about all parties concerned.
Do you feel that there is a chance of reconciliation? If so is it worth some level of mediation to try to talk about where it went wrong?
If not then you should establish a routine with the kids maybe consider away from the home, whilst this may be tough it will get them to understand the routine
Money is often the issue as is lack of attention but remember she was pregnant and probably needing some at the time - show her you want to be part of their lives but you both need to learn to cope if you are to be apart and make it work.
Hope that helps and good luck
I have been married twice previously, and they divorces were very different. My last wife the divorce was very acrimonious and it's only because that we have children together that we have to have anything in common, I never have any communication with her if possible (my phone blocks her texts and phone calls, and she doesn't know my email address).
My first wife, on the other hand, is a different story. We separated simply because we grew apart, we never fell out at any time and we remained good friends (we didn't have children), and now she is like a sister, and we've supported each other through some tricky times. We speak regularly and I visit her (often with my wife) whenever we're in the area, and to me, this is a much nicer arrangement.
I will add a word of warning, although things are going well at the moment, when one of you meets someone else, or begins dating, it can put quite a strain on the relationship you have. If I was in your position, I'd try to talk about how you'd both feel when either of you moves on before it actually happens, and be open and honest with each other - if you can stay friends, it will be much better for all of you, especially the children.
- Samaritans – call 116 123
- Shout – text the word ‘Shout’ to 85258
