Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: We are not open to new posts at this time
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Hello guys,
My wife of 11 years has decided that she wants to leave and get her own place as she says she wants her independence back. She has been a stay at home mum for the past 4 years as i work full time. We have 2 children 4 years and 2 years she says i can have all the visitation rights i want etc. She is an amazing mum but i dont want to lose my children and not see them other than a couple times a week and alt. weekends. She says she wants this to be amicable and everything and just wants space to see if this relationship is what she really wants etc. My only vice is that i drink a bit too much after work and on weekends. I am agreeing to everything purely on the hopes that we can get back together. She has already found a place (which will be supported by me and our wonderful government until she decides to go back to work as a teacher), which is about a 40 minute drive away. If i allow her to ge with the children am i already losing the ability to have them full time? I have thought about getting child care during the day so that i can keep the children and let her go re-discover herself, but how will the courts view this if we went down that road? Am i not just as capable to look after them as this is her decision to go? Their frinds are here and this is their family home so shouldnt that be better for them than being taken to a new place?
any advice would be great.
Thanks
OK, first advice is to see whether she is prepared to reconsider and to go to see Relate to see if you can work through any issues. Second - since you readily admit that you drink too much, you need to control this - if you are on your own, it will be too easy to drink more and more and that's a path you don't want to go down, plus if you cut down your drinking, then it may help your relationship with your wife, and definitely will help your relationship with your children, plus, if things ever do get bitter and end up in court, then you really don't want that held against you.
Whether the children should stay with your or your wife is a tricky one - the bottom line is, assuming you are going to split up, what is best for your children. Their friends are close by but, your wife has been a constant presence for the last 4 years for them. Perhaps a compromise is best, so that they spend some time at each.
The Children's Legal Centre are the best people to advice on the best steps to take - my own thoughts are that while it's still amicable, now is the best time to sort everything out in case it doesn't remain so, but comminucate what you are doing and why, so that the proceedings aren't the cause of friction.
Dear Adviceplease,
Thank you for conducting the Children’s Legal Centre, we apologise for the delay in responding to your query.
As you are married, both you and the mother have Parental Responsibility and therefore the same rights regarding the children, which means that the mother can legally remove them from the home without your consent (so long as they remain within the UK) and you can also attempt to have them remain with you. This can be very difficult and it is best to try and agree what should happen, but you are both within your rights to remove or keep the children and this can often cause difficulty.
If this causes conflict the police may be contacted but would be reluctant to choose where the children should be unless they believed that they may be at risk of harm with one of the parents as there is nothing legal in place stating with whom the children should live.
It is best where possible for you and the mother to attempt to agree on where the children should live. Unfortunately, the practicalities of you having the children full time whilst working may be difficult as the mother has always been the main carer it is unlikely to be considered best for your children for this to change and to be placed in day care if it is not what they are used to.
It may be that mediation is suitable in these circumstances to try and help you to reach an agreement that you are both happy with. The contact number for National Family Mediation is 0300 4000 636.
If you and the mother are still not able to agree where the children are to live or the mother refuses to attend mediation with you, then either one of you are able to apply to the court for a residence order at any time. This is an order granted by the court that states where the children live, and will often provide for contact times for the other parent, and this will be legally binding until the children are 16 years old.
The court will consider all the circumstances and will make their decision based on what they believe to be in the best interests of your children. The court will pay particular attention to the fact that the mother is the main carer of the children during the day and may be reluctant to alter this unless there is thought to be good reason.
Both you and the mother can also bring up any concerns you have, and the court may consider whether the amount of alcohol you drink affects the way you care for the children and if so whether this should have an impact on contact if the mother raises it.
The courts can put in place a residence order for the children to live with one parent, and a contact order which states when the other parent is to see them. They are also able to consider shared residence but would only do this if it were practical in your circumstances, such as you both being close enough to the children’s schools etc. The court will make all decisions based on what they believe to be in the best interests of the children.
Any order put in place by the court is legally binding and enforceable until the children reach 16 years old and can decide on these matters for themselves.
If you wish to apply to court for an order, whether it is for residence or contact, you can do this yourself by filing forms C100, CB1 and CB3 at the Family Proceedings Court closest to the child’s home and paying the fee of £200 (forms available form www.hmcs.gov.uk ) or by instructing a solicitor to do this on your behalf.
We hope this information is useful to you. Should you require any further advice please contact the Child Law Advice Line on 0808 8020 008 and an advisor will be happy to help.
Kind Regards
Children’s Legal Centre
- Samaritans – call 116 123
- Shout – text the word ‘Shout’ to 85258
