[Solved] Some advice please!

Hi there,
Its completely possible for a child to behave in a different way for each parent! My son has custody of his 5yr old boy and he is an absolute delight when hes with us, but on his visits to his mum theres a different story....apparently he swears and trashes the house and is always answering back! There is an older half sister that is still resident with his mum and she is favoured by the mother and her family, and I've often wondered if his bad behaviour has something to do with jealousy...at 5yrs old, its not possible for them to have any self awareness, or explain how they're feeling inside.

Its great that you've got so much overnight contact and you take a full part in his life. As you said, your ex is prone to exaggeration and this is probably whats happened with regard to the text you received from her. you have discussed it with the school and they have reinforced this by their response. Bright children are often more "energetic"!

You say your son is a happy little boy so I think you're providing him with the emotional support that he needs, just continue being a great Dad... You cant control what his mum does, but you can and are mitigating this by giving him your full attention, and the fact that you have almost 50/50 contact means that you are able to provide a fair level of continuity.

Just keep an eye on the situation....maybe talk to your little boy about the effect babies have on people and try and play down the whole favouritism issue, in the simplest terms of course. Its really quite common for the elder sibling to feel jealousy where their baby brother/sister is concerned. Perhaps you could get more information about this so that you can help him if need be.

Good luck and try not to worry too much....you're doing great!

Hi FM

Congrautlations on the film - sounds like a real achievement 🙂

Dad.info are involved with the TripleP process, and I wonder if your ex (with your support) might benefit from this - it might be worth taking a look to see what you think http://triplep.familymatters.org.uk/forum/index

Hi ACTD,

The film has been a bit of a bonus really. It's been a difficult few years, but it feels like we've turned a corner 🙂

I incorporate a philosophy not-too-dismilar to the Triple P. His mother is a qualified early years practitioner, which actually doesn't help matters. She looks after babies, but hasn't much experience of older children and gets defensive when I suggest that we look at our respective parenting to see whether we can support each other more.

I don't have any issues with his behaviour and I've never seen him act up with her. She says he's worse after being with me, but where else would he be? He's either with me or her. It's not like he stays with several people.

I'm sure there's a solution, bit it feels like I just can't see the wood for the trees at the moment...

Hey FM-70 - bravo you on the film - congratulations!

NJ is right. Children are often worst behaved with the people with whom they feel most secure - bceause they know love is unconditional. A bit like rowing in a marriage. If you row it's becasue you're confident it won't be the end of the relationship - if you don't row there is the element of doubt - this could be it... Or by not rowing in a marriage or relationship you're still on best behaviour and haven't reached the stage of being completely yourself.

So, there is the possibility that he is being a nightmare for his mum - totally secure in her environment. This doesn't mean that he doesn't love you - at all. It's more the familiarity of home breeding contempt.

I would suggest that you keep on doing what you're doing with him. Making this little boy feel really important and really special. Don't worry about whether his mum is giving more attention to her daughter - there isn't a great way to tackle this without incurring the wrath of Khan - especially with all the post baby hormones and the new tiger instincts we mothers get with a baby. I'll tell my lot off - but if anyone else says a word about them - I'd shred them. Just how we're made.

But, what I would suggest is that you sympathise with his mum. Support her. Who wants advice from a knowitall? But who wants sympathy? 'oh you poor thing'. 'Must be so hard what with having baby girl too'. Tell her that often children play up for the person they love the most. Look it may make you grind your teeth, but who cares it's a means to an end and won't make any difference to the relationship you have with your son, but it could make a huge difference to him.
Tell her how I dealt with my 13 year old son who was having the most diabolical tantrums every day with me, but not his dad. I took a step back and stopped 'nagging' about everything. Instead I 'asked' him to do things. If he didn't do them I didn't get cross - I just said I was disappointed. I sat and watched every To Gear episode with him - some of them twice - still can't tell a DB9 from a washing machine - but it made him happy and gave us a bond. I made sure that I said thank you for everything that he did - even if he should have done it anyway - emptying the dishwasher etc etc. If he did something without being asked I would find hi in the house and in front of his siblings tell him how brilliant his help had been and what it meant to me. A glowing child is a sight to cherish. I gave him small responsibilities that were extraordinary to him and not his brother and sister - and not onerous, but a little manly - putting logs on the fire (that trivial). It made him feel important and valued. And I kept him in the loop. I once read that with children we treat them as passives and don't do even the most basic thing. The key one was you tell the children to get in the car - but you don't tell them where they are going - or why. They are unable to anticipate the end of the journey and are sitting in the unknown which can stress them. Tell them what's happening just as you would want to know.
One of the biggest ways to make a difference is to give yourself more time. Tempers fray much quicker and even the most strong-willed can lose the plot if you're under pressure. So don't tell him he's going out with 5 mins to spare. Give him 3 advance warnings. As soon as you know; an hour before hand, and 10 minutes before hand. If it's not a planned trip - say 'I'm really sorry we have to hussle, but thank you for being so good about it!' I kid you not - thank you goes a long long way to having a child not in a temper. The other time thing is to get him up 15 minutes earlier for school so that there isn't the mad rushing round on a morning.
If she can do any of the above - Because you are being sympathetic - not a wise-[censored] condescending know-it-all - she'll have an easier child and the child will have an easier life. How you approach it is key. If you are blaming her (hypersensitive) it's simply going to get her back up and she will resent you both more. 'can I do anything? Do you want me to have a word with him? Oh you poor thing. It's only because he loves you and feels secure'. 'Call me if it's getting too much etc' It's not patronising, confrontational or aggressive. It's what everyone wants - understanding, sympathy and support.
I promise this works. My son hasn't had a single tantrum since March - having had perhaps 2 a day. He has gone from sullen and introverted to laughing, extroverted and chatty. Now, just off to get the sheets out of the neighbour's Aston Martin... must pay more attention to Clarkson.
Good luck
xx

Hi Elvis,

I've reassured her over and over again. I tell her how much he loves her and his baby sister. And he does. He talks about them all the time and he asks for his old toys so he can give them to his his little sister.

All I see is a normal four year old, but his mother has told me that she doesn't think that he respects her and that he acts like a 'possessed' child. His teachers have said he's an intelligent, sociable little boy and have reassured me that there isn't a reason for concern, which was totally at odds with what his mum told me they'd said. He helps me tidy up and we prepare food together. We even plan our weekends together. We have a very close bond.

His mother and I had a fairly acrimonius split a couple of years ago and she made allegations about me that weren't true. I didn't see my son for several months as a consequence. It took what felt like forever before people began to see that the allegations weren't true and I'm not prepared to put myself in a position like that again. Contact was restored when she got dumped mid way through her second pregnancy. So whilst I'm supportive and friendly, I do believe that I have to draw a line somewhere and keep aspects of our relationship at arms length. I never speak ill of her and I do everything possible to ensure that our son sees that Mummy and Daddy get along. I think we have a positive, civil co-parenting relationship. I wouldn't say we were friends though.

I know she doesn't receive much support from her family. She sees her mother fairly regularly, but she lives 200 miles away. Her father and her step family only live a 15 minute drive away, but it's her who has to take two kids on two buses to go and see them. I believe her father only came to see her and his grandson twice in the time that we lived together and he only lives two miles away. I live a quarter of a mile away from the supermarket they shop at, so there wasn't really any reasonable excuse for not visiting her.

That's not to say that she doesn't have support. I know that whilst she's not with the father of her daughter, his family live locally to her and she's friends with his siblings. I'm also on hand in the event of an emergency. When her daughter developed a concussion a month or so ago, I was the one she rang in the middle of the night to pick my son up and take her to the hospital with her little girl. She knows if she needs anything, then all she has to do is ask.

I guess I just need to keep my eye on the situation and hope that it improves.

Just back with something of an addendum to my previous posts. I had wanted to post this earlier, but didn't have the time.

My son was scheduled to be at his mothers this weekend just gone. We each have him alternative weekends. I received a call from her step sister at about 4.30 on Saturday afternoon telling me that I had to go to where my son lives, because he had been involved in an accident and his grandmother had become hysterical. When I asked where his mother was I was told, "Erm... she's on holiday".

I dashed over to the house and whilst enroute I had a phone call from my ex to say that her mother was looking after the children whilst she was away for the weekend. She said that my son had cut his head open, but didn't know how bad it was and could I go and see that he was alright. I told her that I was already enroute.

I arrived to discover an ambulance and a second ambulance responder vehicle parked outside. I naturally freaked out when I saw them and ran inside. Thankfully my little boy was conscious when I arrived and being attended to by the paramedics. He had slipped whilst trying to get something for his little sister and cut his forehead wide open just below the hairline. It was a massive 3-4 inch gash that went through to the bone. I knew instantly that he was going to need surgery. I could literally see my son's skull. He's four and half years of age.

After we got to the hospital and the A&E doctor saw the wound he asked for a plastic surgeon from the max fax team to consult. It was agreed that my son needed to go into surgery to repair the wound, but as he'd eaten prior to his accident, they wouldn't be able to do it that night. They dressed the wound and I was advised to bring him back first thing for surgery.

I had him back at 7.30am. I hadn't really slept as I was petrified he'd develop a concussion :boohoo:

Anyway to cut a long story short, he had a great max fax surgeon who closed the wound and did a fantastic job. I'm told he probably won't even have much of a scar 🙂

I was able to take him home around 4pm. His mother still hadn't returned and I had no choice other than to leave him in the care of his grandmother. What happened was an accident that could have happened anywhere. I accept that and don't blame his grandmother.

However I would like to know why his mother couldn't cut short her trip and return home? I have my son 26 weekends a year, as does she. According to her Facebook profile she has palmed him off onto friends or family for 9 of those weekends so far this year. And she wonders why he might be playing up?

Am I overreacting?

She left my son in the care of someone else and didn't think to give them my contact details in the event of an emergency. He was on a surgeon's table yesterday for over an hour. It took almost 30 stitches to close his wound. You'd think she'd be devasted by what happened and looking to nurse my son and pamper him a little bit today, wouldn't you? Nope. She took him to school this morning, because, according to her, he 'wanted' to go. If he wanted to play with matches, I'm fairly confident that would be alright with her too.

This is what my son and I have to put up with...

No you are not overreacting! ...Would you be in a position to have your son on the weekends that the mother wants to go away? If so you could suggest that you could be the first port of call when she needs to go away, and if you are free, you would be happy to have him for the extra time. In light of this incident, this would be an ideal time to broach the subject....

Its very traumatic when our children hurt themselves but as you acknowledge, it was an accident. I would keep a journal though, and record everything that happens and is said concerning your son...you never know in the future, it might just come in handy.

Isn't it funny how they know who to call in an emergency...My son is belittled left, right and centre by his ex but he's the first one she calls when she needs something...She has a daughter to a different father, but in an emergency its my son she calls for help....then after the event its back to abusing him again!

She knows I'd have him in an instant and have done so in the past. I think the real issue is that she doesn't want me to know the extent to which she goes out galavanting.

My understanding is that she goes out most of the weekends that my son is with me and I assume her daughter is cared for by the biological father or his family. I don't have an issue with that really, as one of the benefits of our shared residency arrangement is that it allows us both to have healthy social lives. What I didn't know is that she's been palming the kids off onto friends and family for most of the other weekends too! I'm quite shocked about that. I've been on the site long enough to know that what she's doing, whilst questionable, isn't actually illegal and won't attract the protracted interest of children's services. I don't have a problem with him being looked after by her mother, but her step family is another matter altogther. They're straight out of the Jeremy Kyle show, but even they raised an eyebrow when they heard my son was sent to school yesterday.

She has made repeated comments in recent months about my son's behaviour, although no one else seems to experience these issues with him. I certainly don't. She's made several veiled accusuations that his behaviour is somehow my fault, but it's becoming fairly clear to me that if there is indeed a problem, it's one that she's created and doesn't seem equipped to deal with it. I struggle to understand how a trained early years practitioner with 4 years of experience can have such poor parenting skills?!?!?!

And your absolutely bang on about where they turn for support. When her daughter banged her head at nursery and developed a concussion a few months ago, it was me she called in the middle of the night. Her daughters father supposedly only lives around the corner, but wasn't 'available' to take his own child to hospital. I drove over there, collected them all, dropped her and her daughter at A&E and took my son home with me. Three days later when I had an opportunity to do a freelenace job, she utterly refused to switch our childcare arrangements to allow me to take the work. That's how she operates. One rule for her and another for me. I can deal with that, but it's the fact that it seems to be one rule for her daughter and another for my son that I resent...

... the effort it takes to be cordial with her is actually starting to sap my energy. I'm constantly preoccupied with my son's welfare, but I can't imagine that I'd win a residency order and I'm not prepared to risk her stopping all contact should I attempt to go for one.

I feel that I'm trapped between a rock and a hard place 🙁

...Perhaps your starting point could be that you get the impression she is struggling a little at the moment and that you just want to help take some of the pressure off by having your son a little more , just while she recharges her batteries... You could try agreeing how hard it is to bring up two? children alone and that your only desire is to take some pressure off.

I know exactly what you mean about a rock and a hard place...we just cant win either! Three weeks ago she told me that contact was none of my business and to f***ing [censored] out, that a day after my brother had died....then this weekend she phones me up all sweetness and light to ask me about what to do when kids have worms!!! Its exasperating and very very tiring...

You just have to keep on trying...keep calm and carry on!! Good luck.

Hi,

If I were to have my son one more night it would mean that we have a 50/50 split, which she's uncomfortable with as - and she hasn't admitted as much, but I know it to be true - she's worried that it would affect her supplimentary income from various benefits.

I had my son for a full week quite recently to make things easier for her. I make a point of taking him for additional days as frequently as possible and I intend to share all his school holidays. I'm satisfied that she gets enough support from me and other people, but it's her inability to balance her parental responsibilities with her desire to be out enjoying herself that seems to be creating the problems.

I'm infuriated that she didn't return home when she discovered he'd been in an accident. She knew he was having surgery. Thankfully he seemed to be happy that I was with him. I turned it into a big adventure and made him laugh a lot. I have to say the NHS gets some stick, but everyone was absolutely brilliant with him and I couldn't have wished for a better service 🙂

Sorry to hear that you've recently lost your brother. That must be a terrible wrench. How are you coping?

...Dads have to walk a fine line and the system really is weighted against you... You have my respect and admiration, that you can remain calm and balanced! Your little boy is lucky to have a Daddy like you and as he gets older I'm sure all the effort you put in will pay dividends.

Thanks for your concern, actually its a month since he's been gone and I feel pretty low....I miss him terribly. We had no warning, it was very sudden, but he wouldn't have known anything about it....I'm told thats a blessing. He was only 67 and had just been given the all clear from cancer. Actually coming here and reading about others problems, and trying to help in some small way, has been a big help....better than moping about feeling sorry for myself!

It's so hard when we lose someone unexpectedly. I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that he didn't suffer, but I gues it's not as much of a consulation as being able to say goodbye. My uncle passed away suddenly earlier this year and knocked my mother for six.

I know exactly what you mean about the need to do something positive. I started to use this site when I was initially prevented from seeing my son. At first it was for advice, but I started to get a lot out of sharing my experiences with some of the other dads and it became something of a lifeline really. It also afforded me an opportunity to see that my situation was recoverable, as long as I let go of the anger and focussed on seeing my son. I could see that my situation wasn't that far gone and with a little patience and common sense I was able to restore contact fairly quickly. The majority of dads that use the site are in far worse situations than me and I feel an obligation to help them as much as I can.

I think it's comforting, and really important, for dads to have the understanding of a woman. We don't have many of you on the site, but it's good that you're here 🙂

Thank you, it means a lot to me.