Hi, I really need some advice. Not sure if this is the best category choice...
The brief history to put the current situation into context: The mother of my kids left us when my son was 4 years old and my daughter was a few months old, very irregular and little contact was made for about a year until I insisted on regular contact or none at all (an agreement of contact was drawn up through court), this has worked out fine so far.
My son (11yrs old now), has started refusing to go and stay with his mother, mainly because of his mother's boyfriend shouting at him (according to my son), which is backed up by my daughter and, to a certain extent, their mother.
So far I have been gently persuading him that he has fun while he is there and that he knows the number if he needs to call me. This is not working anymore...
On one side I have my family saying that it is totally up to him and if he doesn't want to go then he doesn't have to and his mother implying that I am turning him against her and that is why he doesn't want to go. She says he is only 11 years old and has to do as he is told.
His behaviour has been getting worse in school and home with seemingly random aggressive outburts which may or may not be related. I really don't know what to do...
Many thanks in advance π
Perhaps you could suggest to the mother that she has some one to one time with your son away from her partner to try and encourage him to spend time with her and they can do some work on their relationship?
Failing that, you could suggest mediation?
If your son really is unhappy and you think there might be a safeguarding issue, you could return the matter to court to apply for a variation. At age 11, his wishes and feelings will be heard by Cafcass.
It's better to be pro active than to just stop contact. If you do stop it, and she takes you to court, the court won't look so favourably on you. I really would consider mediation and if that doesn't work, the mediator will sign the C100 and you can apply for a variation and get Cafcass involved.
Thank you for your reply π I have been very clear to his mother as to why he is unhappy to stay with her, but she is extremely defensive on her partner's behalf. I must add that I have kept up a very good relationship with her (and her partner) for the kid's sake, but I still have to be careful so that I don't inadvertently aggravate things. I would never just stop access, they love their mother and I would never get in the way of that. I have been tirelessly working on allowing them to maintain as normal a relationship as possible since she left, I have never said a bad thing about her to them and always kept conversations about her positive. Last night after he refused to go, she phoned him up to speak with him and he got upset and couldn't speak, tears in his eyes. She then phoned me up complaining that he had just been very rude to her and refused to talk. I explained what had happened and her response was a sarcastic βYea, right.β She doesn't seem to understand. I don't really want to start anything too formal at the moment as I wouldn't want to put him through CAFCASS again. As he is at the moment, to have any control over the situation, I would have to literally drag him into the car, which I am not willing to do. To add to this my daughter (7yrs old) is starting to not want to go if her brother doesn't go. I don't know if there is anything else that I can do. Is there a special child-friendly mediation that could try and address the issue, all I can find seems to focus on the parent's relationships...?
I hear what you're saying, sometimes these situations can snowball... For what's it's worth, I think you are doing the right thing, not forcing him when he is obviously upset.
His mother is probably hurting right now and is on the defensive, perhaps it might be a good idea to meet her somewhere neutral with the children, to see if you can break the ice....maybe meet up for coffee or a pizza.
Relate do provide family counselling I think, they're not just for reconciliation between struggling couples, they can also offer support to help families going through break up and may be able to help with this situation... it's worth giving them a call to,see what they might be able to offer. Some mediators also offer child inclusive mediation, this might also be a way forward.
www.relate.org.uk
www.nfm.org.uk
Best of luck
Thank you so much, I will look into it π