[Solved] Struggling to Bond with Second Baby
I just wanted to bring my 2 cents in too, since I'm thankful to all of you for talking about this. I have a 3 year old daughter I adore, and with whom I never had this problem.
But my son is 10 months already, and I have accepted that he is there, but don't feel any warmth towards him. He is nice, handsome, intelligent... but I somehow feel he is not into me either (even though he crawls towards me when he sees me). When he was six months, I even felt anger towards him, to the point of rocking him a bit too hard when he cried (I didn't hurt him, but it scared him; I put the baby down and still feel guilty about that, it happened a handful of times). I was at loss to understand why (well, I wasn't in a good place back then either).
It started to get a bit better as I started playing with him more as he started crawling. But still, not there.
I play with him, I throw him in the air (which he loves), and tell him what everything his (he is always pointing at things). I hope it gets better with time. It's just, I can't understand it; I have such a great relationship with my daughter... By this time, I was already all in with her. I've read somewhere some fathers don't bond until kids reach "little league" age. Well, it should get better. It has to, come on...
Anyway, I leave this here so you know you are not alone, you are not a bad person, and, my own reflection: it has to get better. I'm sure it will. Probably for some of us when the kid starts speaking and we can get to know him better.
Thanks for your honesty, and for sharing what must be a difficult subject for you. Have you ever talked to his Mum about how you feel?
It’s good that you can acknowledge things are getting better, but sharing this with your partner could also help...if you’re close, it wouldn’t surprise me if she already had some idea about it.
Keep making the effort and hopefully you will start to form connections with your son, once he’s on his feet and chatting away, this will be a distant memory.
All the best
I think that the father-daughter and mother-son bonds tend to be the strongest from my own observations, but given time, you'll be amazed how strong that bond will become if you work at it.
its a God-given bond. my 2 year old daughter clings on to my leg and just follows me all around the house. this was before the break up. and she is no different a year later, even though now i see very little of them. the biggest issue in bonding now would be the arrangements of every other weekend etc. no doubt the kids will naturally become more inclined to the mother as they spend most of the time with her. just have to keep that bond going, and never break it by doing anything silly like hitting children.
Just joined because I found this thread. Was wondering if the op had any updates. Currently going through a similar situation and am not afraid to admit I was brought to tears knowing I’m not alone in this. My first is almost three now and her and I are inseparable. Been that way from the start. My son is three weeks old and there is nearly zero feelings there. I’m lost. He’s a good baby, his mother is a champion, and he’s every bit as good looking as me haha. But I don’t have any feelings for him. Like, at all. Which makes caring for him and helping my wife the way I feel I should extremely difficult. When he cries I have no compassion for him. I can perform daily tasks completed unimpeded by his crying. Sometimes not even noticing it. And the guilt is killing me. I’ve been open about it with my wife and she’s been very understanding and helpful. But when it comes right down to it I’m scared that it won’t get better. Thanks in advance
The OP hasn't been on here for over 3 years, so probably best starting your own post, and hopefully you'll get some fresh advice.
Thank you for being so open about how you are feeling. It must have taken courage. You have done a great thing by talking with your wife about your feelings towards your baby boy. It's good that she is being understanding. Keep talking to her and telling her how you feel, then it keeps her included and she doesn't have to second guess how you maybe feeling. Just a thought - have you a health visitor you can talk to about your feelings towards your son? It maybe worth mentioning, as fathers can suffer with post natal depression too. I'm not a health professional, but I have experience of PND and also my husband has depression. They may be able to point you to a counselling team, that you could confide in and work things through. Or there maybe a group for dads that you could join?
It reads like you have a very strong bond with your daughter, that's great.Perhaps you and your daughter could do a task together that will help with baby? For example taking him out for a walk in the pram, or giving him a bath or sharing a story together? Babies are never too young for a story!
I hope things work out for you, keep communicating and just take one day at a time. It will get better.
Parent Support Volunteer, Fegans
Thank you clarinet. Yes my wife has been an amazing help. I’ve lately read extensively on the topic of ppd and others. But I’m not depressed, anxious or even remotely down. No more than anyone with a new born at home haha. I literally just can not connect with him. Daughter and I are very involved in feedings and such. I literally just have no feelings for him yet. I may start a new topic to discuss my feelings but for now was more interested in finding out how the “give it time” remedy was working for some of these commentators