[Solved] The risk of losing my son

hi grant and welcome

Is there any chance you could work things out using Relate? If so, we can ask someone from there to pop on.

Otherwise, you will need to contact the Scottish Child Law Centre - http://www.sclc.org.uk for advice, but keep us posted on here.

Yes that would be great thanks.

ok, I'll ask Relate to pop on - keep checking back here tomorrow.

Ok.

Excuse my ignorance but how does that work? Will thy reply to this topic?

Thanks for your help.

Grant

Hi Grant

Sorry, I've been on here too long to remember what it's like posting for the first time 🙂

Yes, Relate will post a reply directly in this thread in response to your posts.

Grant, it can be very difficult to leave any relationship, especially if there are children involved and I can see it is breaking you up to be without him. Actd has given you details of Scottish Child Law Centre, which is a good start from a legal point of view. But I do wonder why your relationship has broken down now and not before. Before it got really bad, what was good about your relationship with your wife? What has changed between you and your wife and why is it is “impossible” to live with your her now? At times it can be impossible to live with someone when there are significant differences and arguments. Relationships can also change when a child arrives, and can certainly disrupt a relationship that was once good.

You mentioned that you would give anything for your relationship with your wife to work. It also a big leap in walking away without both of you trying to make it work. Leaving your home may be a spur of the moment thing, but try talking to your wife about how you feel about the problems you are having.

Have a look at the tips on how to deal with arguments here on Dad Info, as they will help you to start thinking about how you might be able to talk to your wife. If you both find it difficult to talk to each other, it’s worth thinking about getting some help. Relate’s sister organisation in Scotland, Relationships Scotland will be able to help. Give them a call on 0845 119 2020.

For something immediate, list all the reasons why you should stay with your wife, other than to be with your son. There must be some positive aspects to the relationship. If there are, speak to your wife about them and look for how you both might build on these good points. But also think about your own actions as well as your wife’s and how you got to this point. As you say, it takes two. So think about what you contributed to the relationship, both positive and negative, and think about what you can change in yourself that would improve your relationship. It also only takes one of you to start the ball rolling in trying to resolve your issues. So try to make the first step by thinking about some of the points above.

If you need more advice, drop us a line again or contact Relationships Scotland. Whatever you decide, I hope it’s the right decision for you, your wife, and especially your son.

Thank you for the reply.

There are lots of positives about our relationship. I have a decent enough job, my wife has a successful business which has grown massively over the summer. Of course we also have a gorgeous bi lingual son - which is amazing for 4 years old.

Everything was fine until my wife started her job.

Unfortunately, she sees her business as priority and nothing gets in the way of it. She works late nights, early mornings and then we have a war because I asked her to go halfers with the childcare. She thinks she is giving me the money for some reason.

I have had a terrible year. My mum was diagnosed with cancer in January and tragically passed away in June. 3 weeks ago my dad was diagnosed with the same horrible disease. I am physically and emotionally shattered and I feel as though I've had zero support from my wife as all she is interested in is her work - which she forgets I helped her build.

I have tried talking to her on many occassions. All I do is lay facts on the table but according to her, all I do is attack her with words. I can say hand on heart all I do is tell her the way it is.

It's a difficult one. I think a lot of it is culture. She was dragged up therefore she doesn't have a lot of trust in people (including me a lot of times) and she is always on the defensive. She sometimes does think the world is against her and I seriously think she underestimates what I have been through. It appears to me that she want to operate with what is hers is hers and what's mine is ours (I pay 95% of the bills and when I ask her for a wee bit help there's an argument. She is very reluctant to pay her way, and this is a major cause of our differences) although she does have the running cost of her shop, but this is why I pay everything regarding the house.

I know she wants to be with me and I want to be with her but to me, a relationship is about pulling together, compromising and meeting half way. I am the only person out of the two of us who is capable of doing this. To me, she will never change. It would have happened before now?

The only way we will work is if she changes a lot. Of course, I also have my faults, but its evident that I am not the issue.

Just read my post and It sounds like all I have done is moan about her until I am blue in the face.

She has a lot of good points and I do love her to bits, but most of the time I feel as though I'm hitting my head against a brick wall.

I will see how she is over the next few days. Me Moving out may be a wake up call for her.

While there are lots of positives, I can see that there is also a lot of loss and certainly stress for you. From what you have been going through and are currently going through, I would recommend that you do seek some help to get you through through this: either on your own, or more preferable, with your wife, as your wife needs to hear what you are going through and it would help you to hear what she is going through as well.

There may be cultural differences, as you say, which can cause differences in how you both understand each other. While your wife may have a different view in how you both contribute to your relationship, your financial needs and your emotional support, she may not fully understand what you mean when you "lay down the facts". If she sees the "world is against her", she will certainly see that you are against her by laying down these facts. This might mean to her that she could lose her business, financial support, her son, her family that she might also be trying to hold on to. She may also see that the roles in the relationship should remain the same before she had her business, where you support the whole family financially and that you support her in what she wants to do. If you feel she can't trust you, then you both need to revaluate what is in the relationship and how you both can build that trust that you both have lost in each other.

As you say, this might be a wake up call for her, but it also seems like one for you, too.

Give Relate a try and see what they can do for both of you, whether it is by yourself to see what has going on for you (losing your mum, fear of losing your dad, your wife and your son), or with your wife. If you love her, tell her and say you want it to work, and list the positive reasons as to why it should work.

Whatever you decide, take care.