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I have been with my partner for over 6 years now and instantly fell in love with my two unofficailly adopted children now aged 12 and 7, as well as having another child after a few years together who is now 3.
My kids are my absolute life I've given up every ounce of my former-self and just count down the hours at work to see my kids, i don't drink, smoke or socialise away from my kids other than going work and 2 hours a week palying badminton, which i arrange after my kids are in bed, they are so close to me that they will always come to me before there mother.
My partner on the other hand over the last few years has become so lazy and dependant it is unreal and if i ever dare confront her about any issue, she immediately gets nasty. Things that happen in a typical week inc.
She distributes all money including my wages in a way that best benefits her (leaving me around £20 a week for 40 hours of work @ £10p/h) whilst she smokes £50 of fags a week and has left us with some amzing debts and unpaid bills.
She, until forced a week ago, resfused to let me formerly move in (as it messed with her benefits)
She doesnt get involved in any trips out with me and the kids, thus leaving her free to do what she wants over the weekend.
She has a gambling problem even tho she denys it (£180 gambled in less than 2 weeks)
She has 3 hours a day to herself why the kids are at school / nursery in this time she doesnt do any tidying, cleaning, ironing and does just enough washing to last the next day.
She smokes in the house infront of me and the kids despite numerous efforts to stop her and also did this when i quit back in February this year making it twice as hard.
She treats the kids like little slaves just constasntly getting them to bring her things or fold the clothes up and put them away, wash up, run her baths etc.
She makes every decision when it comes to the kids - schools, punishments etc.
She is an absolute slob to the point she's having food in bed and leaving the remnants to go moldy.
Major attention seeker - / Hypocondriac
Feeds the kids pot noodles as main meals.
So In summation - She spends what she wants, says what she wants,does what she wants, does barely any housework and has evenings and weekends off, whilst I am left working, cooking, cleaning and entertaining - and despite all this i overlook it as all i care about is time with my kids.
She acts like the world owes her a living and despite 6 months working on a very good salary that she buggered up, she has spent the majority of her life living and scamming off the benefits system and if ever asked what she does for a living claims she's a 'full time mum' but says it in a way that she thinks she's earnt this money by barely looking after her own kids.
This lifestyle obviously causes a lot of stress and tention, but the reason I barely complain about any of these issues is that if i pipe up she immediately get's on the attack and goes straight for the kill " there not your kids, your never seeing them again and i'll tell 'our 7 year old" that your not his real dad, and i'll move back home" (150miles away)
sick sick sick sick! How does she not see how sick this is whatever the problem between us why bring the kids into it i've always been there for them and always will and it doesn't 'just' hurt me it hurts them too.
And this is a statement she makes in absolutely every single argument knowing full well i'll submit apologise and go back to normal and because she has selfishly never formalised our living arrangements I have never been able to go for adoption (1 years residence required) and i cant say in court that i've been there for my kids for 6 straight years because there's no proof and if she did get in trouble and fined it would be my kids that suffered with loss of money.
The only reason i opened my mouth this time is because when I came to pick her up yesterday she asked me to carry a sack of potatoes to the car, i said yes just hold out 3 years olds hand (which i had been doing) after a couple of steps he ran past me towards the road, she made no effort whilst i chased him carrying the potatoes, when i snapped asking why she hadnt held his hand she just replied "i never do he's 'usually' fine!" - So admitting there could be a day she's wrong - i replied it's not worth the risk waiting for that day, you need to start holding his hand she just said in her sarcastic smary tone "no, i've brought up two kids thanks and they've never been hit by a car"
.......COW!!!!!!
Sorry for the rant but the arguments have become so frequent and she's used that statement so many times i've had to call it a day, hoping at some point she'll relise she had life so easy.
What drives me mad the most is that even tho I have done everything possible to keep my kids happy and house respectable this split will leave her with both my kids and our home, this from a woman that wont tidy and openly says (infront of the kids) "i'm not a kiddie person"
Anyone have any advice on what i can do in terms of seeing my kids in this capacity?
If it involves talking to her i get more mature responses from my Cat.
Hi,
This is really tough and I sympathise with you a lot, I had an ex who's daughter I got on with really well, we spents so much time together and I'd do anything for her, when we split I think I was more up-set at loosing contact with her daughter than I was at ending a relationship.
I can see your concerns too with leaving the children to your partner if your not there.
I'll be honest and say that I'm not sure what to suggest.
couple of question though which may help anyone with experience give advice.
Are you looking at leaving and trying to stay in contact with the children?
Are you looking for advice on how to stay and make it work?
oh and don't worry about ranting it helps
Darren
hi SavageSquirrel
I'm not sure whether you have actually moved out yet - if you haven't, if the conditions are dirty and untidy, I'd be inclined to take photographs as evidence for the future (without being seen by either your partner/ex or any of the children) - you may not need them,but it's better to have them if you do need them, rather than not have them and wish you had.
If I understand it correctly, you haven't taken any action yet, and so I assumme that you haven't seen a solicitor, in which case the CCLC will be able to give you advice, so it may be worth giving them a call.
As far as I am aware (but may be wrong, so ask the CCLC), you have no rights at all to access to you 'adopted' children - however, since you could be looking at a contact order, I would say that you have a very good argument for retaining contact with them partly because you have a good relationship with them, but especially because your 3 year old is related, so a court would be eager to maintain a relationship between them. I would also say that the fact that you have proof of at least a 4 year relationship, you could certainly argue that you have a good argument for saying that you have had a relationship with the 12 and 7 year old. I would also ask whether you have any proof about paying bills etc - if you have, then this might all point to you living there for longer than the official records (which could also point to her illegally claiming benefits).
Finally, I would also say that it's important for you to be trying to get them all of the children included in the contact order, because it shows the children that you care enough to fight for them, which is important to them, as well as to you.
As I say, I'm nor certain of the above, but hopefully it gives you the basis for a discussion with the CCLC.
Thanks for your replies I am in such a weird place right now, one minute i'm glad it's over and I can look forward to a new life setting up a new home that will always have an open door for my kids, but then i think, they shouldn't have to be opening doors to see me. When they cry in the night it's me that runs to them when my 7 year old needs his inhaler at 4am it's me that's there - how can i do this from somwhere else?
The mood between my partner and I, thanks to my efforts, is calm and i 'think' for the first time because i've not run straight back to her, she is feeling remorse and regret and she broke down in tears yesterday, which as twisted as it sounds made me glad because it's always me having to deal with the emotions of loosing my kids whilst she looses nothing and knows i'll be back for my kids so never gets upset.
I want more than anything for her to go back to the way she used to be when i met her strong, energetic, independant and house proud, maybe it's my fault for being easy to walk over- the day she realised she only had to mention the kids and i'd back down in any argument was probably the day our relationship ended.
Should I hold out and hope it can go back as it was or is this a pipe dream and false hope? I know for certain all it would take is for her to apologise and i'd run straight back but only for the sake of being with my kids, there's nothing i want more than to be there when they need me.
I'm staying at the family home with all my kids tonight whilst she's staying at a friends so i think i lot of what she says is just words, but it doesnt stop it hurting. This time of year is making it especially hard to stay away, i've been dreaming about the upcoming Xmas for such a long time, i've been through some tough shitty jobs with little pay since being made redundant 3 years ago and finally this year i'm back on salary and can spoil my kids rotten.
Hi,
I feel for you this must be a real struggle.
Have you considered relate or similar relationship guidence?
Darren
I've never really though about anything like that but it would be nice to get an outsiders opinion or even just a moderator during discussions, because she just sees her own opinion and is never deterred from it even if you have all the evidence to prove she's wrong.
Thanks I will follow this up 🙂 )
I think it can help, I did counselling when my relationship with my son's mother was falling apart.
It left me feeling clearer on where I was, For me unfortunately it was that there was no future in our relationship but I'm sure that's not the case for many.
Despite the end result for me it helped a lot it allowed me to realise I wasn't wrong in how I felt.
Keep us posted
Darren
Thank you again for your responses, they mean a lot to me. I have since been in touch with relate and dispite the slighty more expensive price than i was expecting I have arranged an appointment I'd give everything to get back to a happy working family so £45 in that light seems cheap.
Thanks again will post again when I've been.
Hi SS
I think Darren has given you some excellent advice, so I'll simply add my "good luck" to his, and look forward to hear how you are getting on 🙂
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