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hey all first post so here it goes..
I'm 27 newly married(less than 4 months) to a wonderful women who I love without question.
Also I am a father to a wonderful 6yr old boy Nathanial...who I also love without question.
after trying with my new wife for almost a year now (un-successfully) to have a child of our own I have also recently moved to another provice almost 2 1/2 hours away from my son. at times I fell like I have abandoned him, and other times i can remind myself i did this so I could take a job that in the future will be a career. it will allow me to provide for him then. the problem is his mother and my wife are not the same women. my sons mother lives back home and my son is primarily with her. since moving I have not had the greatest communication (partly my fault, partly just bad timing) and am starting to feel the pull at my heart.
recently I have found out i will be moving and now have alot of work to do with cleaning current apartment and getting ready for move. my wife feels this stress more than I and has always seen my son as a reminder of my previous relationship, and with the lack of us being able to concieve to date also sees him as a reminder of this, we have talked and she is not 100% sure why she feels this way but does. she is un-comfortable when he is around and is unsure how to handle him when i am not here. I want us to be a whole family not me and one son on one side and her and I on the other..
I guess I am looking for suggestions...thoughts..anything really on how i can make my dream of a family reality...me, my wife and my son, and any future children.
Hi Natesdad
I'm guessing you don't live in the UK as you say you’re are moving to another province, makes me think you might be Canadian ?
Wow what a tough situation. I'm assuming that your wife had met your son before you were married so she knew she was going to be a step mum from the start. It sounds as if discovering that conceiving is hard/impossible is really difficult for her and that's not surprising. Has the Dr said a def NO to you conceiving or is it just "difficult"? It took my wife and i over a year and a half with our first child and that’s not uncommon. What test have you both had?
If it's a 100% No then i would get some counselling together to unpack how you both feel, show your wife you are connecting with this esp as you have only been married a short time. (congratulations by the way 🙂 )
I think time will help in regards to her and your son, she will get thought this but needs you to understand etc.
Your challenge is to stay in contact with the boy, despite all things esp the distance. Find ways to be part of his every day esp as he is 6. Texts, emails, letters, cards, send him small things in the post. You could mail him something every week that has been part of your week, small silly things like a straw from a drink, or a pencil you used at work, or a leaf from a tree that you picked up just for him or a photo of you eating your lunch. Kids esp that small just want to know you think of them. Play games via email like hide and seek (sort of 20 questions, are you in the garden, are you in your room are you under your bed... it’s all fun and he will love and look forward to everything you send and email.
Be creative.....
thanks for replying and yes i am in canada, its really hard to find any boards for dad support so when i found this one i jumped in.
i nver really thought about the idea of just sending small thinjgs from everyday to keep in touch right now i try and phone him atleast every other day. I'll try it and see if it helps some, and as for my wife and I we have not had a definate no but my wife has had a miscarriage before and other complications...we're currently in the process of getting to gether with a doctor to get some extra testing done. we didn't have any luck from where we used to live any doctors worht their salt were neigh impossible to get an appointment with.
thank you for the ideas i'll look at employing them this week.
natesdad
Hi Natsdad
I'm sorry that your partner had a miscarriage - that’s never a nice experience and leaves such a lot of emotional devastation. I just wanted to give you some hope. Friends of mine had several miscarriages and it took nearly 8 years to eventually have their daughter, they then went on to have twin boys too. For my friend the biggest change happened when she stopped working, she became lot less stressed and anxious and more relaxed, within the year she was pregnant. I'm not saying it will be the same for you but take heart and let’s see what the Dr's say.
There are several really good articles on this site that I’ve read about the role of dads and why they matter. The site has helped me see the wood for the trees and understand that from my kids perspective small and often is better than big and seldom. I mean that if I engage with them small and often that ticks their box. Yes I live with my kids so it’s easier but distance doesn't make it impossible just different. Check out the toolbox section of the main site. If I get some time today I’ll post some links here for you. Or maybe one of the moderators will !!
My kids are away this week in Devon with their mum visiting Nana so I’m taking my own advice and I’m going to talk on the phone to them, send them small postcards and Skype them at least once too.
I know your across the pond but do let us know what happens with the Doctors. Hope all goes well buddy. 🙂
Hey natsdad,
Here are a few links to articles on the importance of being a dad to keep you going...and remember even when it doesn’t feel like it, you’re still a huge part of your sons life just by being his dad. Hope all’s well!
http://www.dadtalk.co.uk/articles/why_d ... o_sons.php
http://www.dadtalk.co.uk/articles/dream ... father.php
http://www.dadtalk.co.uk/categories.php?cat=Why dads matter
Hi,
They're some great articles Harveys Dad- thanks for the links, I'm sure Natsdad and also others will get some help out of this thread. I hope so- All the best!
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