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I am posting this on behalf of my partner. He has a son who is 16 months old. When he was born, around 4 months after, he and his wife separated, she made him move out of the family home as they both agreed the relationship was over and that there was no love anymore. It was a difficult pregnancy for her, lots of IVF until they conceived, and a very long labour and I know things were tense for them after the birth because it appears that the relationship was already dead.
She allows him one morning a week for around 3-4 hours and one day on a weekend, usually a Sunday, for 8 hours, as access every week.
He tried in the first 6 months or so of separation to be there for her, kept going round and he would help her with household chores like cutting the grass and washing up etc and in turn she would allow him to feed, bath and put him to bed which he really enjoyed. She even commented that she found it hard being a single parent, her parents live abroad, and that she would allow him to have their son overnight within a few months. I am also aware that in this time he told her he still loved her and wanted to come home and live with them both, i believe he tried to talk to her a few times, but she refused and said she didnt want him.
In the last few months divorce proceedings have been issued and she has turned nasty and said that she will not allow him any further access for the foreseeable future. He managed to get her to meet him yesterday on her lunch break and he asked her about halloween, bonfire night and christmas and whether she would please be willing to let him have any further access. He apparently said to her, if you dont like me and wont let me and want me to f off then just say, so she did exactly that - she told him she didnt like him, that there was no way she would allow any further access and that she wishes he would just f off for good. He says every time he goes to his old home to pick up his son she looks at him like dirt, never thanks him for any of the clothes and things he buys him or for changing days of access when she has things on.
The thing is, sometimes he is rational and can get his head around the fact that his access is as it is for now and that in future he can apply to court for more access, then other days he is suicidal and I dont know what to do/say to him. Its quite scary at times. He says things like that he wants more children etc and he is fine with his access and looks forward to the future, then other days he just cant stop crying and says silly things like maybe he shouldnt see his son altogether as although it will be hard in the short term it will be ok in the long term. I've told him he cannot give up on his son because of her and he has to rise above her childish behaviour but i dont think he can. Some days i feel like he is losing it, I cant make things better and I have been trying to find support/counselling groups for him to attend so he can talk to people in the same situation as him. I just want some help for him as i am really worried about him and dont know what to do.
I would appreciate any advice from anyone that can share their experiences with him/me/us. Thank you.
I can say that I went through absolute [censored] during my divorce, and later on through custody proceedings (I originally agreed that my ex-wife should have custody, before I knew better) though, to her credit, my ex never prevented access at any time (what she said to the children about me was a different matter). The one thing that helped me get through it all was my then girlfriend (now my wife 😀 ) - she was brilliant at supporting me through it all, and giving keeping me from climbing the walls, and getting into arguments that were best avoided. It was a huge strain on her, so I would suggest, if you are finding it hard at this stage, that you both seek support if possible otherwise you could find that it could break your relationship.
As for your partner giving up - don't let him do this. He will regret it in the long term and it is certainly not the best thing for his son.
May be worth trying to get him onto this forum - he will get lots of advice, legal and otherwise, and he'll realise that a lot of people have been through it and survived the experience.
Hi and welcome to Dad Talk
Like Actd has already posted there are people out there that can help and we can offer free legal advice on this site.
Ask your partner to log in and post and I will forward any questions to our legal centre
Regards
Mario
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