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Hi all, this is my first post so please go easy on me. Just a bit of background info, I'm in my late twenties, got 2 step daughters and a son (who's just turned 2) to my fiancee. I've been so stressed with all this on my mind for a while now it's really starting to bring me down. Basically it's a problem with my mum and sister. I don't think my sister likes my fiancee & vice versa, which i can handle but there is no relationship between my son and his aunty because of this. Now that brings me onto my main concern. As i moved to the other side of the country years ago and settled down where I am now, I don't get to see my family much and only phone once a week/fortnight. Anyway, my mum sent my step daughters some money for their birthday's this year in the post which was really appreciated. But, for my son's (biological) birthday, she had sent double the amount than that of the girls. Now I know they are not her biological grandchildren but surely I class them as my own so she should to. She always treated them as her grandchildren before my lad was born. It's the same for any phone calls, she's always asking about my son and not the girls, and again, on the odd occasion that we've met up, there is a lot of fuss over my son and not the girls. I'm so angry about this, why is she being like this? She has denied it in the past. As you can imagine, it's caused loads of arguements between me and my fiancee. My fiancee gives me a hard time if I want to go and visit my family. I've said i'll go by myself then if you don't like my mum but she then says that we should go as a family but when we do, there is an atmosphere between my partner and my mum. Even if I phone my mum up for a chat, i've got to do it when my partner is there so she can hear whats being said, and only then it feels like i've got a script to read from as i'm not allowed to say certain things. It's doing my head in, i feel like im in the middle. What do I do???? Any advice???
mikeyd,
What a tough one mate.
First of all I would have a discussion with your mum. I think you and your other half need to have a sit down with your mum and have a honest conversation. Explain that what how she has treated the girls in the past has been great and that you don't want that to change now that your son has come along. Ask her if she could make a real effort to treat all the kids equally.
It may be worth having a conversation with your other half to discuss how you will deal with the talk to your mum. It's really important that there are no accusations made or the whole thing could descend into an argument - which would be counter-productive.
A couple of questions for you mate.
Is your step daughters biological fathers parents involved in their lives ? If so do they receive presents and cards from them ? Does your son ?
Gooner
Thanks for your reply gooner. My step-daughters biological father and his family have nothing to do with the kids. No phone calls, presents, cards etc, not even CSA payments!!! It's as if the girls don't even exist to that family. I could never abandon my kids.
Hi Mikeyd
I'm sorry you are caught between your mum and your sister and your partner. I do think you need to have a quiet talk with your mum and explain to her that you'd like her to be consistent when giving gifts, money etc because eventually your stepdaughters will pick up on this and it will make them feel bad about themselves, especially when you say that their biological dad and family have nothing to do with them.
Even if I phone my mum up for a chat, i've got to do it when my partner is there so she can hear whats being said, and only then it feels like i've got a script to read from as i'm not allowed to say certain things.
It's interesting that your partner wants you to speak to your mum when she is around. It all sounds a bit controlling. Does she feel threatened by your mum? It sounds as if she's quite insecure and a little jealous too. It's unreasonable for her to make these demands.
It would be interesting to know what her relationship was like with her ex-partner's mum/family and indeed what her relationship with her own mother was like too.
I hope this helps.
Mate i wonder if when you talk to your mum, which i think is the best way forward, you should tell her how important a role she has in the girls lives.
I would lay it on thick that even though she isn't their Grandma by blood that they think of her that way and due to their real granny not being around it would break their hearts to lose the only Gran they have ever known. Give her a purpose to engage with them again.
Hope the conversation goes well!
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