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We all know the advice that the arguments and the whys and wherefores behind any split should largely be dealt with away from them, with a united face put on in front of them// both parents love them// it's not their fault // etc etc - which seems sane to me.
However, my wife has decided that 'he deserves to know what a #### his father is' and so when he asks a question she answers it fully from her standpoint, or in very sly fashion - "Why has daddy gone away, does he not love me?" - "When you grow up and have children, would you go away if you loved them?" "No, mummy!"
Last time I was visiting, she said to him that it "upsets her to hear him and his little brother screaming 'Daddy' excitedly when I walk in the door' , thus putting that whole pressure on him to almost choose between us.
Then when it was time for me to leave to go back to where I am staying and go to work that evening, she suddenly came out with a suggestion that I ring in sick so that I can stay and look after our younger son rather than her having to take him with her on a trip with the older boy and his friends and said to the older one "That would be a nice thing for daddy to do, wouldn't it?". When I refused to put my new job at risk and said I couldn't she said "that just proves where your priorities lie, doesn't it?.
How do I handle these sort of things without resorting to the same and slagging her off to him? I cannot talk to her as she reckons I have forfeited any right to comment on anything, and she doesn't even listen to any independent advisors (relate, mediation, etc) who dare to place themselves not entirely on her side of any dispute.
She disputes that seeing both us after a separation would be the best thing for them, and tells me that I am not welcome and will do all that she can to stop me seeing them again, or that the best I can hope for is supervised access at a contact centre.
Any suggestions for strategies?
You need to first consider mediation - take a look at www.nfm.org.uk
At this stage, your ex is annoyed at you and using the children to get back at you. When you do see your children, make sure that they know that they are very important to you - don't sink to resorting to the same games she's playing. Also, start keeping a diary of all dates/times conversations - you may find it useful later.
Thanks for the reply.
We tried mediation, but she couldn't handle the fact that they kept wanting to hear my opinion as well as hers, so we didn't get very far.
I have been keeping a diary, and very colourful it is too!
It is difficult saying what I want to say to the children without it coming across as overly critical of their mother, who of course is always on hand to pick up on anything she doesn't think fair. Of course it is me not being there that will be most confusing, especially to the younger one, as they weren't party to a lot of what was going on before I left, and just saw us trying to keep things normal for them, though still of course had to live with the atmosphere.
I just hope we can come to some sort of arrangement before they forget who I am, or come to believe everything she is hinting to them about me!
You would be amazed at just how perceptive children can be about what is wrong, even when you are trying to keep things normal.
If your ex won't stick with mediation, then if she does restrict contact, then you can go to court for a contact order. It might be worth trying to let things settle for a few weeks if you are getting access at the moment, to see if it eases off it little. Whatever you do, don't get into any arguments with her, however much she may provoke - eventually, she may realise that it's not worth her energy to continue to spite you.
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