Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
I have a 6yr old daughter and a 4yr old son who is quite a handful. He has a tendency to whinge and has tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. He does this a lot more with my wife that he does with me, and he’s for the most part well behaved at Nursery and with grandparents and other mums.
My wife ends up screaming at him and loosing it on occasion . She sometimes says some awful things to him like "I hate you" and "I wish I'd never had you" she knows its wrong to say these things out loud, but just cant help it.
So when I come home from work, she is often in a bad mood, and is short with me and both children, and often overreacts (In my opinion) to their naughtiness. She says herself that she was not cut out to be a mum, though she does a great job in all other areas.
I work quite long hours and I think she resents me for it and for not being there to help more, but the job at least allows her not to have to work. She has a gym membership, and is friends with many of the other Mums, so it doesn’t look such a bad a life to me!
If I tell her to reign in the anger, I get comments such as "Easy for you, you dont have to do the school run every day, and deal with his bad behaviour. Don’t judge me" etc etc
My wife regularly complains about how awful her life is, saying she feels trapped, that I treat the house like a Hotel and she might as well be a single parent.
As soon as I get in from work, if the're not already in bed, I get involved with the children, and bath them and read stories, and I love doing things with them at the weekend. I’m definitely a hands-on Dad.
I take most of it on the chin, but Im really sick of the moaning and the aggression directed at myself and the children. It’s not a lot of fun for me coming home to this, and I worry about the effects of her outbursts on the children. I try to be understanding, to listen, but I often say the wrong thing which leads to huge rows.
So to finally get to the point, how can I improve our family situation? Is this just how it is? Is my sons behaviour feeding off of my wife’s tension and making it worse? Should I do more?
Thanks for reading. Any advice gratefully received
Hi There,
It seems like you are in a rut.
I think you are right in saying that your son is feeding off your wifes mood and reacting in sucha way.
You say you can't do anything right and I'm sure this is right for most of us, I'm sure you feel that her life is easy and she feels the same about yours, you come home and do the "nicer" side of peranting by doing the bed and bath routine whilst she has to do the feeding, cleaning and picking up after.
I'm saying either of you are right but it seems effort from both sides are needed to find a happy medium, you need to talk things through when things are calm and remeber the most important part of talking is actually listening and not interupting or dissmissing things she says.
If you can find a happy medium where your wife feels less stressed and cut off i'm sure your son will also calm down and life will be easier.
Darren
Hi
It might be worth you and your wife need to work together to resolve this, and to provide a united front to help your children and yourselves. It may be worth you looking at the TripleP program - http://triplep.familymatters.org.uk/about-triple-p - this could well give you the strategies to bring your son around.
Hi Darren is right about the house chores, just doing the nice bits . Do you help at weekends , cleaning , cooking etc. Do you and your wife go out as a couple and have some time together, does your wife go out on her own and have some time just being her , not mum not wife. You can get swallowed up and loose who you are . Maybe getting a part time job would help your wife I remember doing this and I loved it I also went to college part time just to keep me from going insane . I agree its not fair on your children to be yelled at out of frustration but I feel if you address your wifes frustations she will become a happier person and enjoy being herself, Mum and wife
Right now I feel like what ever I do will never be enough. There actualy isnt any more time in the evening to do anymore to help out. Its bath time, story time and then our own dinner time, and then bed. My wifes family help out on a regular basis, yet she even claims they should do more to help out.
In the old days, it was the men who came home and expected dinner on the table and kids in bed and the Dads were a bit grumpy after a long day at work. Obviously thats completely wrong too, but how times have changed!
At the weekend, I do make a conscious effort to deal with the children, and to take them off her hands if possible, but on a saturday morning as she goes of to the Gym for the 3rd time that week, I do start to wonder if the balance is wrong. Theres no doubt that she works hard to keep the house tidy and children well looked after, but I work hard also for the benefit of the family. The difference is that I am resented for it.
Hopefuly if she gets a part time job, it will give her some perspective on her life and a new sense of purpose, but time will tell.
Hi,
maybe you could try some counciling together so you are able to be open and talk with some advice at hand to help over come the conflict thats happening.
Darren
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.