[Solved] woman seeking advice on saving marriage

Hi Irishgirl,

I think the fact that your admitting you have issues is a start, like you say changing who you are isn't easy, however it also isn't impossible.

I don't think your situation is an unuasual one, I found the same thing when my son was born, after 6-8 months I felt I didn't count in my relationship and that I was an outsider. It felt as though as long as my wife (now ex wife) had our son she was happy and if I wasn't there it wouldn't matter, I aloud that to stew over and never did anything about it until 4 years later, we tried relate then but I think too much damage had been done to retrieve any relationship, things got better for a while after relate and we lasted another 6-8 months but couldn't get back what was lost.

I think you are in a better situation, you know there are issues and are facing them and trying to find a way to get around them, I would recomend relate or similar as a counsilor will normally pick up on any under lieing issues and help you to discuss them.

But maybe some other ideas might help, If you find discussion turn into arguements maybe try writting things down in letter form, talk about feelings, what frustrates you, what you enjoy or don't enjoy. Maybe there will be things that neither of you realised you did that a small change could make a big difference. I know it might sound corny or cheesy but it might give you both a way of expressing how you feel without the pressure of an instant reaction, when the letters are read they can be digested and taken in without the need to react or defend, they can also be written in a calm enviroment so nothing is said in the heat of the moment that may be regretted.

I hope you find a way to sort things out and that others have some ideas to help aswell.

Darren

Hi Irishgirl

Welcome to Dadtalk. I'm glad you've found us. I'm really sorry to hear that you feel your marriage is on the rocks. I know you feel as if you can't change the way either of you are, but as Darren says it is possible to look at the causes of why you may be a control freak and why your husband is so insecure and pessimistic. Often these types of behaviour have their roots way back, perhaps even to childhood and I do think you should both give it your all to get your marriage back on track, if you can, if only for your son's sake to start with.

Relate would be a good option and you may be interested to know that they offer free online help and advice via live chat for problems affecting family relationships. You can find out more at http://www.relateforparents.org.uk Please do give it a go, you've got nothing to lose.

Many men feel left out when their partner becomes pregnant with her receiving increasing attention, and then may feel pushed out by the new baby who needs so much of your time. He may be struggling with the changes in the relationship with you and their lifestyle. Men can also feel stressed by the increased responsibility, financial pressure, and workload at home at the same time as being sleep deprived. Do you think this may be true of your husband?

I hope that if you can sort things out, the intimacy will return. Please let us know how you get on and good luck.

I

Hi both, and thanks for your replies. I will give Relate a go but we spent time with a friend of my husbands at the weekend and as usual he caused issues where even his friend was embarrassed, just general rudeness at a pub where we were having lunch, just handled it all wrong and if you say anything he always believes you're attacking him. It kinda sealed it for me i just am not right for him, i'm more easy going and just like to get on but he would argue with his shadow.

My husbands mother has a [censored] of a lot to answer for and his grown up niece too who has spent huge amount of her life in her care, they're both arguementative and rude. I will however give Relate a go but i do feel i would be happier walking away even though being a single mum scares me more than anything. Thank you both for your replies xx

Oh also Mikey, my husband doesn't have to do anything at home, yes he works so i try to sort everything at home, and as he sleeps through my son if he ever wakes he isn't sleep deprived. He really does have it good in comparison to some people. thanks

Hi Irishgirl

I'm not sure whether everyone would necessarily agree with my comments here, but my opinion is that you go to Relate, and pretty much ignore all other advice - every relationship is different, and the only way to work it out is by talking it through, and it has to be a compromise that you are both prepared to work at and be happy with.

If you can't work it out there (assuming you've exhausted talking it through together, which it sounds like you have), then walking may be the best option. My personal opinion is that staying together because it's a frightening prospect being a single mum (actually, it can be quite frightening for men as well) is a waste of the rest of your life. Being happy in life is much healthier for your son, as well as for you - the trick is to make sure that your husband stays in your son's life and not using him as a pawn in the middle.

I wish you the best of luck at Relate, I hope that you both can work it all out.

Hi Irish girl

Sorry to hear about your situation and I hope you resolve it one way or another soon.

Many men are jealous when a child is born, they dont get the attention they want and also feel they have been relegated in the pecking order.

Actd's view is a realistic one - you both need to ask each other the following questions

Do I love my husband/wife?
Do I want to stay together?
Do I feel that I can make this work?

If not then you need to seriously consider Actd's advice

I wish you all the very best and hope you can make a go of it - but dont stay together for the sake of the child - you will end up hating each other!