Hi,
Sorry for such a long post - but there was a lot to include!
I just had my daughter for a few hours whilst her mum went to visit someone at the hospital. My ex told me that she would pick her up later, of if it got too late, I would drop her off at nursery the next morning.
My daughter goes to bed at 7 - at that point she starts nodding off by herself. So, she needed to go to bed here regardless at 7. I thought it would be unpleasant for her to be woken again and taken home on a cold bus, so I sent a text to my ex to say it would make more sense if she stayed the whole night with me and I dropped her off at nursery anyway, as not to disrupt her sleep or upset her. My ex text back at 8.30pm to say she was at my door. I had to prize our daughter out of her bed, and try and wrap her up warm for the journey home. To no surprise she screamed the place down, and I don't blame her. It was heartbreaking.
I calmly and very amicably said to my ex 'I don't understand how this is the best option', and she jumped down my throat sayin g things like 'No! Don't you dare start. I haven't seen her all day.' And then her bf joined in with 'Please don't bother, not on the doorstep.' And there I was with no intention of saying anything further, nor in the wrong, with these two people on my doorstep trying to make me out the bad guy.
My daughter was so upset as they dragged the pram out the door, and slammed the door, before I got to say goodbye. She was so unhappy with the situation, it killed me seeing her that way.
Anyway. I have become aware for various reasons that my daughter is regularly deprived of sleep, at least one night a week, and sometimes more. My ex takes her to her Granny's every weekend and they don't leave until late. I know because I drop her off there and my ex has told me they don't have dinner until 6 there, meaning there is no way she is half an hour home to bed by 7. This week is a week where she will have three late nights - tonight, as her mum is adamant on taking her home at 8.30 so she can spend quality time with her - tomorrow at the annual Bonfire Night in town that I know for a fact my ex takes our daughter too every year, which doesn't start until 8 (I'm not against staying up late once in a while for special events like fireworks btw), and Saturday night when she will go to her Granny's for dinner. Next week she will go to the Christmas Lights on Thursday night, which won't happen until 8, as my ex takes her every year (again special occasions are fine, but late nights so frequently?), and then to her Granny's as usual on the Saturday. This is just a sample of what ex does with my daughter regarding late nights, every week is pretty much like this. So, whenever I pick my daughter up she is always exhausted, with bags around her eyes that have been getting bigger and darker every week - she looks pasty and sick all the time compared to how she was a couple of months ago. She has pretty much been ill every other week so far this autumn, which I am starting to think might have something to do with the lack of sleep. I am also starting to get concerned that it is affecting my daughter emotionally, and is clearly making her very irritable.
As usual with my ex, and as was pointed out by Cafcass, my ex seems to be using our daughter for her own benefit, rather than putting our daughter's needs first. In my eyes this is neglectful and boarders on abuse. To put it more bluntly, she is making our daughter exhausted and ill because of her own wants. I am at a loss as to what I can do - as communicating amicably, as proven tonight, clearly doesn't work. I write down everything in my diary and our contact book for a record. But at what point can I/should I take things to the next stage in addressing this problem, and what is the next stage? Court? Solicitor? Social Services? Doctor?
Thanks in advance for any advice 🙂
Hi There,
.
This is a tough one, as anything you say to your ex will come accross as trying to tell her what to do, I don't think a judge would do anything i court, I know from my own experience that the judge that held my case was of the oppinion that how my child was cared for at either my ex's home or mine was down to us and the other didn't get to coment.
.
That said you feel as though her health is suffering which is possible as she could be run down through lack of sleep. That shouldn't happen from 2-3 late nights a week as she should be able to recover from the nights she isn't taken out.
.
I don't really know what to sugest with this one to be honest, as I think your fighting a losing battle with your ex, even though you are thinking of your daughter.
.
Maybe the others will have some sugestions for you.
.
GTTS
Hi there
I have edited your original post to take out your daughter's name, we are a public forum and this could be used to identify you.
You mention Cafcass so I assume you have had or are have ongoing court proceedings. If these are still ongoing you could mention further to Cafcass and perhaps consult with your daughter's nursery / school? If they are no longer ongoing, perhaps you could consider mediation to gain more time with your daughter or discuss the issues?
Good luck
Thanks for the advice.
Unfortunately (in this instance anyway), the court proceedings are finished. Cafcass gave me the impression back along when I asked for some advice, that it was no longer there place to direct us.
I am able to take my daughter to her GP myself now. So, if she falls ill during her time with me, I can take her and bring up the sleep issue then.
Any extra time with her isn't an option. My ex is beyond the epitome of stubborn, and it's been a hellish ride trying to get the two days a week I have now. At this point in the contact order she should now be offering me fortnightly weekly contact too, which of course she isn't doing, it's now been 3 weeks trying to move that rock, Giving her another week, having quoted the appropriate bit in the order in an email as she didn't believe me, then it might be back to the solicitor again. All fun and games - I wish!
Hi There,
.
It's a long slog, but worth it in the end, we will help and advise you all the way just ask.
.
GTTS