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[Solved] Daughter doesn't want to come this weekend

 
smileysmile
(@smileysmile)
New Member Registered

I am new to this forum.
I am almost 50 and I have a 9 year old daughter who lives with her mum and step dad an hour away, As I type this I should have just arrived at her school to pick her up for the weekend. Since her mother relocated to be with her new husband 5 years ago I have been travelling up and down the motorway more times than I have hot dinners

Too pick her up for the weekend or sports day, xmas play, parents evening or to take her to swimming lessons and tea. I enjoy being a hands on dad.

Last night I get a call at 9pm from her mother telling me our daughter doesn't want to come over. I speak briefly to my daughter who only turned 9 two months ago.
She was quite quiet and I asked her what's wrong? Anyway her step brother of the same age will be their on Saturday so I feel this is the main reason that when she's here the boy is there. I can't change my shifts and the boys mother won't change the weekends so that the kids are there together.

I strongly believe that my daughters mother manipulates our daughters free will. Hearing my daughter won't be coming after waiting yet another 11 days we saw each other had put me in a very emotional state. I can't stop crying, eating comfort food can't focus etc

My daughters school has recommended nuture classes because of her immaturity and behaviour. She's blonde with big blue eyes and gorgeous. But lacks social skills etc for her age. Her mum has cast aspersions at me but I have been a great dad. I could go on but we have to work with the nuture class to find out what our daughter is feeling. I seriously can't go on like this as I am human with emotions. I have planned alternate weekends and holiday for next 8 months and I arrange time off to cover these weekends which I have been doing for 5 years. 4 nights a month isn't much is it. Yet what has changed? The ex wife tells me our daughter has 'struggled' with leaving her 'home' with her mother when she knows she's coming here but when she's here she's great!

We have been separated for 8 years. All that time my daughter has been coming here. The first 4 years she lived local with her mother.

Has anybody had a similar situation? Cheers

Quote
Topic starter Posted : 08/01/2016 7:11 pm
actd
 actd
(@actd)
Illustrious Member

Hi and welcome

Unfortunately, manipulation of children by the resident mother is all too common, though if he step brother is there on that day, that might be an added complication if they are of similar age and get on well together. At this stage, is there the possibility that you can talk the situation through with your ex to see if there is a way forward that is acceptable to both of you? If you can do that, then maybe you ex might be a little more encouraging for your daughter to see you.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 09/01/2016 9:40 pm
Mojo
 Mojo
(@Mojo)
Illustrious Member Registered

I agree with actd, but if you find that the situation doesn't improve you might like to think about using mediation to try and get it sorted out and some agreement down on paper for a defined schedule. Here's a link to mediation services

www.nfm.org.uk

After mediation, if it doesn't help, you do have the option of applying for a court order, however this should always be the very last resort as it can put a great deal of strain on the relationship between separated parents.

It might also be helpful if you were to suggest that you both work on a Parenting Plan, you will find a sticky about CAFCASS Parenting plans, with a template that you can use, in the stickys at the top of the legal eagle section.

Best of luck

ReplyQuote
Posted : 10/01/2016 7:59 pm
smileysmile
(@smileysmile)
New Member Registered

For 8 years my daughter has been coming to me. The last 5 she's had alternate weekend's plus half holidays as the mum relocated an hour away. Apart from a blip when ex bought a puppy the night before I picked my daughter up which ruined my weekend with her I think she was 6 at the time this weekend I've been an emotional wreck. It will be 25 nights before her sleep over. Today is 14 nights without seeing her though I've arranged to drive up pick her up from school and take her for tea for 3 hour's.

My ex says it could be a phase or the start of something baring in mind she wasn't well in the week leading up to the Friday. I hope so as I couldn't cope. We have a fantastic relationship and are like two peas in a pod. Her school has recommended nurture classes because of certain issues.

She's never been withdrawn with me always happy but her mum has said she struggles with leaving her home knowing she's going to be away but she says she loves me and is happy with me when with me. My theory is that she thinks she's missing something ie I believe her step brother of same age visits for the day when she's here. The boys mum won't swap weekend's. It hurts when I'm told my daughter 'struggles' with leaving. But all 8 years she's been happy here. We always have great times.

The distance is a factor as all her friends are up there and ex is friends with all my daughters frI ends parents. If this isn't a one off I think outside help should be involved? Maybe the nurture classes will find something?

My ex isn't stopping me having her as we have a rota from the past 5 years it's worked pretty well apart from a few blips but ex couldn't care that I've gone so long without seeing her. Not even offered to bring daughter to me just for a while. Only when it suits ex as her folks live by me.

I don't want to feel I have to bribe my daughter to come here. I mean when I've the odd occasion told her off or not given into a demand she has said "I won't come here again " which I've replied that's not very nice. Wish I could turn back time. I've never felt so much pain being away from my miss sunshine 🙁

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 11/01/2016 1:12 am
actd
 actd
(@actd)
Illustrious Member

If the boys mum won't swap weekends, will your ex be prepared to swap weekends instead? This means that your daughter would send time with her step brother, and also, for your ex, she'd get alternate weekends without any children, which could give her some valuable time to herself.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 13/01/2016 11:56 pm
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