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[Solved] I badly need some advice

 
Tom Moore
(@Tom Moore)
New Member Registered

Afternoon all,

As the title suggests, I really need some help.

My eldest is 8 years old. Her mother and I split up when she was about 6 months old, on very bad terms. Since then, I've seen her generally2 times a month. There has been periodic interludes where I've had no access due to arguments. We previously had her overnight but that stopped as she was pulling her hair out due to stress, around 3 years ago.

Her mother and I have never been able not to argue, and I worry for the effect that this is having on my daughter. This all came to a head this week when we took her away on holiday. We argued and for 24 hours I was banned from seeing her from the point of our return.

Our relationship is strained. We have very little in common, and because the rules in my house are so different to home, I'm beginning to realise that every time she comes round she's on best behaviour. I feel that we are uncomfortable in each others company.

I now have another child of 18 months, and I wonder what the effect of "yes you can see your sister, no you can't" will have on her.

I'm sure the effect of unstable contact, arguing parents and different rules has had an effect on her. She's a very nervy, tearful little girl, and given the hair-pulling I wonder if theres issues deeper than those I can see.

I think what I'm asking is:
Would she be better off not seeing me until we can sort the access out between us and ignore her mum?
Would cutting ties now do more harm than good?
At this stage is she better off without me?

Any advice gratefully received.

Cheers

Tom

Quote
Topic starter Posted : 02/08/2014 8:59 pm
actd
 actd
(@actd)
Illustrious Member

Hi Tom and welcome.

In my opinion, not seeing her is about the worst thing you could do, your daughter will feel like you have abandoned her, and your ex will jump at the chance to enforce that point, so the chances of contact in the future will also be reduced. You are much better trying to sort out how current contact should happen, and to come to a working agreement with your ex for your daughter's sake. It might be worth having a word with someone like Relate to see if you can both find a compromise.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 02/08/2014 11:56 pm
Nannyjane
(@Nannyjane)
Illustrious Member Registered

Hi there

I don't believe she would be better off not seeing you and I feel this would cause her even more distress.

I can understand how difficult this is for you but perhaps your daughter is picking up on your anxiety when she visits. This could be happening without you realising it. Obviously as you are talking about cutting ties this situations has been going on for a while, she could be picking up on this.

Have you tried talking to the mother about the effect all the arguments must be having on her? Maybe writing a letter to her would be easier as you will be able to say a lot more than if you tried to have a direct conversation.

It might help to read through some of the posts on Karen Woodalls blog, she is an expert on the effects on children of separated parents in conflict...insight into this might help you. Here's a link

www.karenwoodall.wordpress.com

Best of luck

ReplyQuote
Posted : 02/08/2014 11:58 pm
HiyaDad
(@HiyaDad)
New Member Registered

Tom,

When I want to say something to my daughters but they are too young to understand, i send them a email to an account I have generated for them. If, when they are 18, and need to hear some truth of any history, at least i've captured my thoughts and love for them - you can control if you give them the email address and password once old enough.

I might be talking sh$t, but then again it might help to dump your thoughts and worries on paper.

Andy

ReplyQuote
Posted : 04/08/2014 1:24 am
actd liked
actd
 actd
(@actd)
Illustrious Member

Tom,

When I want to say something to my daughters but they are too young to understand, i send them a email to an account I have generated for them. If, when they are 18, and need to hear some truth of any history, at least i've captured my thoughts and love for them - you can control if you give them the email address and password once old enough.

I might be talking sh$t, but then again it might help to dump your thoughts and worries on paper.

Andy

Definitely not sh$t Andy - keeping a blog or emails is an excellent way of showing them in later years that they were on your mind.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 07/08/2014 12:15 am
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