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[Solved] Anxiety over kids

 
Bigfra45
(@bigfra45)
Eminent Member Registered

Am living with my wife and 15 month old. I said to wife other day about my two kids 19 and 16 who live 80 miles away staying for weekend and it caused a row. Wife ssys they arnt welcome. Im meeting them todsy in my mums and if they ask im dreading telling them. They had been coming down to stay before i married wife but i had fallout with ex and solicitors were involved
My older kids were invited to young daughters christening but they didnt go saying thew would feel uncomfortable despite fallout being between me and ex. My wife was angry and kids wernt allowed to stay in our house. I asked her for months to give them another chance but she was stubborn. I walked out one day and she agreed to give my kids another chance. Things went ok. I paid for their buses to visit some weekends. Wife complained about them leaving sweet papers down back of sofa but no major problems. On our wedding day we booked them into the hotel and paid for it. Wedding went good but next day wife complained my son was videoing on his phone and felt uncomfortable. Was he bringing it back to my ex-his mum? It all kiced off at my daughters 1 year birthday party. My kids asked could they leave party to buy more sweets downstairs. I said yes but be quick. When my 1 year olds candles were being blown and happy birthday being sung my kids were still away for about a half hour and my wifes family noticed this.but after party photos were being taken of my daughter with people. My wifes mum asked my kids to get their photo taken with my 1 year old, my son said ok, but my 19 year old daughter refused, my wifes mum got angry and gave her a mouthfull. My famy would defend my daughter and later said its cos shes shy. My wifes family dont believe this and said shes on facebook in pics with friends and my ex wifes new daughter. If only my daughter hadnt of refused these pics things would be fine. Im always left to sort the mess.i pulled both my kids after the party and said this wasnt on but they accuse me of taking wifes familys side always.if i say they cant stay they will moan they cant see their sister, but if i manage to persuade wife to let them stay will their be more rows? Am i better just visiting them in my mums? I know their behaviour needs to improve but if i dont let them stay they will prob not see their sister as we live 80 miles away and my stubborn wife prob wouldnt go to my mums if my kids were their as she feels she was good to them and they let us and our young daughter down a few times and we gave another chance. Why does this make me anxious?

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Topic starter Posted : 23/12/2016 5:26 pm
Mojo
 Mojo
(@Mojo)
Illustrious Member Registered

I think I've already shared my opinion of this situation with you Bigfa45... you're probably feeling anxious because you're caught in the middle and one of them will be hurt whatever you decide.

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Posted : 24/12/2016 12:50 am
Bigfra45
(@bigfra45)
Eminent Member Registered

Yeah. Its a hard situation. Do i call wifes bluff and threaten to leave. She may back down as she did last time, but what if it doesnt work out that way and i end up without wife and daughter for two kids at 19 and 16 who could soon be doing their own thing.

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Topic starter Posted : 24/12/2016 1:30 am
Mojo
 Mojo
(@Mojo)
Illustrious Member Registered

Only you can decide...I personally think you should be honest with your wife, tell her how much it hurts to feel you have to choose between her or your children, as you love them all..ask her how she would feel if she were put in a position where she had to choose between a child or a partner

My kids are in their 30s, but I would choose them every time...luckily I have never been put in that situation.

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Posted : 24/12/2016 1:52 am
MotherofaFather
(@motherofafather)
Honorable Member Registered

Hello Bigfra45,

You are in a most unenviable position where I think you need to sort everyone out by talking to each party on an individual basis. Communicating is 50% talking and 50% listening, the latter being most important as you should then be able to get to the depth of the problem and begin to build bridges which may take a bit of time.

Communicating with each separate group needs a cool head and expect all parties to be FAIR and REASONABLE as you yourself must be. If one of the parties is not fair and reasonable tell them so. Do not let your emotions take over when communicating.

You love all your children and must maintain contact with all of them, irrespective of their ages.

I would not use the shock tactic of walking out on your wife as this could rebound on you badly as it is not the way to solve this problem.

The parties involve:-

1) Your Mother in Law, it is not anything to do with her. She is just fuelling the fire and I personally would tell her that. In a polite way I would tell her that her opinions are not welcome. She is a guest in your home and should behave like one.

2) Your older children, they appear to be lacking in consideration and respect for others at times. They need to be told this and that you expect better behaviour from them in the future.

3) Your wife, doesn't appear to understand your position at all. She married you knowing full well you had older children and needs to welcome them into the fold and be more tolerant. Does she speak directly to them in a polite way if they are ill mannered and correct them or ask you to? Does she engage in friendly teenage social talk with them? Does she come over as openly hostile towards them or is she welcoming?
Your wife needs to be told in a non confrontational way the anxiety she is causing you.
To present you with the ultimatum of it being them or me is totally out of order. Is it possible that jealousy is the issue here? It needs to be remembered a human being has an enormous capacity to love. Loving your children does not diminish the love you have for her.
A further point I would add is, she is a mother and her child when older may behave in the same way your two older daughters do whom she and her family are so critical of.

Talk to all parties individually, try and get them to see reason and understand the difficulties it presents for you.

In my opinion your wife is out of order with her demands and I would NEVER SEVER contact with the two eldest children because of her.

You ask quote, "why does this make me anxious?" The reason is you are being put under unreasonable pressure primarily by your wife, her mother and at times by your eldest children lacking consideration at times. The issues you describe which cause the conflict are quite trivial and I believe there to be a more serious issue underlying this which you need to get to the bottom of.

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Posted : 24/12/2016 11:32 pm
actd
 actd
(@actd)
Illustrious Member

could you pay for your older children to stay in a hotel near you when they come to visit - thay way they can still visit, but it gives you all a bit of space and might diffuse the situation. I would say that calling your wife's bluff is not going to make for a healthy marriage in the future, so you need to find compromises on all sides.

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Posted : 25/12/2016 2:31 am
Yoda
 Yoda
(@yoda)
Famed Member

You need to have some communication here. I'm with Mojo on this one. My kids who are 16 & 19 would hands down win every time, they might seem old at that age but they're still very much children who are becoming young adults. I think your wife is being unreasonable.

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Posted : 27/12/2016 2:01 pm
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