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[Solved] Wife says my kids not welcome

 
Bigfra45
(@bigfra45)
Eminent Member Registered

My wife has said she doesnt want my two kids 19 and 16 from previous marriage to stay in our house some weekends. We have a 15 month old daughter together. Kids had been comi g down to stay some weekends and i paid bus fares as they live 80 miles away with ex who i dont speak to. Trouble first started last year when my daughter was getting christened, my kids snubbed this because i was having fallout with ex even though they were invited. My wife wouldnt let them visit again , one day i walked out in anger and my wife agreed my kids would get another chance. At my daughters one year birthday in sept my two kids came but disappeared during birthday party, when photos were being taken of my young daughter my 19 year old daughter refused to have pictures taken with her, wifes mum yelled at her because of this, my family said its because my 19 year old is shy. I told them i wasnt happy with this and at my wedding to my wife in august my 16 year old son was videoing on his mobile and laughing according to my wife. When i complained to them they accuse me of taking the side if my wifes family. My wife says when they stay over she finds sweet papers stuffed behind sofa and they sit on their mobiles all day.they asked me last week about visiting and staying and i said ok but new wife says doesnt want them down. Im fed up being stuck in middle of rows. If they were allowed down could be more rows. I can see wifes familys point of view as daughter 19 shouldnt have refused to be in a pic with my new daughter. Recently was my birthday and my two kids got me nothing, not even a card. I told them i was unhappy.they said had no money. I said even a 50p or pound card would do as they can afford sweets. My daughter is 15 months now and starting to walk so walking out on her and my wife who i love isnt an option.if my kids arnt allowed to stay they wont get seeing the 15 month old. I call to my kids town once a fortnight to see them in my mums and doubt my wife would let my kids see the 15 month old there either as she and her family are angry at them. Her family say my daughter 19 who refused pic with my 15 month old is in pics on facebook with friends and her mums new daughter with her partner. Kids will keep asking me can they visit to see 15 month old and get angry with me and wife when i say no but last time it took me walking out for a day to get them another chance and they blew it. I cant do this again. Seriously fed up stuck in middle.

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Topic starter Posted : 18/12/2016 7:56 pm
Mojo
 Mojo
(@Mojo)
Illustrious Member Registered

Hi there

It's a dilemma for sure, but I think you have already decided that you can't intervene with your wife and her family again.

In my opinion your wife and her family are wrong to involve themselves with your relationship with your kids....getting angry with a couple of teenagers is counter productive and the reasons for the fall out are petty, so your daughter didn't want to have a pic taken, its immature but nothing more and certainly not enough to ban them forever. It wasn't your wife's mothers place to yell at your daughter, who's the adult here! The best way to have dealt with it was to have ignored it, which makes me think that your wife and her family were probably looking for reasons to take the stance that they have.

All of this is after the facts.... what should have happened isn't relevant, you are dealing with a situation where there is no middle ground and I don't envy you as you are being made to pick a side. I'm sure you love your kids and I understand that you love your wife too,

You have to remember that your children are probably being influenced by their mother, they too are "stuck in the middle" of two warring parents and they are just children, ill equipped to deal with the situation...think about how you feel and just imagine how hard it must be for them, having had to live with being "stuck in the middle" for years.

I think you're going to have to be honest with your children, but I would also hope that you will promise them that you are working to try and sort it out. Could you arrange for your wife and your kids to meet somewhere on neutral ground to talk it through and try and start building some bridges? They are old enough to realise that there are consequences for their actions and if you are truthful with them and ask them to think about making an effort to make it work, might that be a way forward? At the same time you must ask the same from your wife...and your mother in law, well I would politely tell her to butt out!

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Posted : 19/12/2016 12:08 am
Bigfra45
(@bigfra45)
Eminent Member Registered

Yeah i love my kids and wife and 15 month old baby, my wife is a great girl but very stubborn. First time kids missed the christening she was angry and was adamant that kids wouldnt see our daughter.they didnt see her for months I threatened to walk out and i did one day, i jumped on bus and was going to stay away for night. My wife text later that kids could get another chance. If my wife refuses to let kids stay do i do the same thing? She said if i walk i wont see her or young daughter again. It would kill me to leave them so i dont want to do that. And my kids at 19 and 16 soon be leading their own lives soon and ud be left on my own. Hard dilemma.

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Topic starter Posted : 19/12/2016 1:59 am
TashasHideousLaugh
(@TashasHideousLaugh)
Estimable Member Registered

Hi Bigfra45

The dilemma you're experiencing is one that many step (or 'blended') families may experience at one time or another. I know that your teenagers do not live with you, but the same principles apply.

I think it is important to hear/realise this, as it simply is a difficult situation - I don't think it is necessarily down to the actions of one party: either your wife, kids or you!

That said, my take is as follows:

In an ideal world
1. Your children do have a right to a relationship with you, and to be part of any wider family. This is "their" right (if you like), and not really your current wife's "right" to obstruct.

2. Your current wife, presumably knew that you had children before becoming your wife. When you married, she married the whole you - including the part of you that loves and supports your children from a previous relationship (as you married the whole of her).

3. You and your wife should show mutually support for each other.

I feel it is a bit unfair of your current wife to make that ultimatum in that way, and it suggests that perhaps she has/had unrealistic expectations of what "marrying someone with children from a previous" means. Sweets down the back of a sofa - is annoying, but not personal or vindictive. Burning her belongings and ripping up all her clothes...(for instance)...would be "personal". It sounds like she is taking certain things too personal.... Similar for not wanting to be in a photo. Teenagers can be "odd" sometimes. Or perhaps their mother may have made them feel guilty at having "a good time" without her and dont want pictures to spare her feelings...Or perhaps they did not feel genuinely included? Calling it a "snubb" is perhaps making it more personal that it warrants?

But I think it is also important to examine why your wife has got to this point - in order for you both to move forward.

Being a step mum can be really tough - especially for those that are not/were not parents themselves. Having to deal with:
1. forming bonds with kids that hate/resent/are hostile towards you (but not your partner)
2. the ex-wife from hell who makes the children into weapons against both the "step mum" and ex-partner
can be draining and extremely difficult. Add to that when the step-mums partner does not experience her reality (hostilities from step kids, etc), can make step-mums feel isolated and distant from the person they feel they should be closest to. Add to that the normal "ups and downs" of running/maintaining a (biological) family.....you get what I mean!

So just as your teenage children need your support - so does your current wife. Especially if she is an "inexperienced" parent. Perhaps she feels that you are "not on her side" - so I suggest maybe make time to:
1. Ask, and listen, to how your wife is doing. What does she think about your teenagers? What does she think you are you missing/not seeing?
2. Make time to convey/show that you do support her. If she thinks that you are not on "her side" then you need to change that perception.
3. Also explain how the teenagers are part of you - and that while you separated from their mother - you did not divorce your kids.
4. Convey how much it would mean to you to have your wife support you to support the teenagers.

hope helps
See here: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/step-parenting-blended-families.htm

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Posted : 19/12/2016 3:33 am
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